Today we find ourselves in the end wanting to look MUCH MORE CLOSELY!
Friday, October 25, 2013 @ 5:49 am
Yay! We guessed what day it was and we were RIGHT! Yah ... one of those who has to check most times we use it ... I'm thinking no ... nothing happens on the 25th?
But, there is something happening soon!
Ok, more than even the part that we just turned on the fire place! WooHOO!!! But, we had to call Rich in - he's getting ready for work, but we need to know why it is more blue flames than yellow/orange. It's a gas fireplace, so I don't know if I turned it up too far or maybe not enough. We though in the past that bluer flames are hotter, at least thinking so, maybe too much gas. BUT, we'll wait for Rich to get dressed and come check.
Ok, but the exciting news? It's FRIDAY!!! That means that our new course is just a few days away. It is only four weeks and he said that you could get by with 2-3 hours, but you could also put in more. It does sound like there will be times though when we have to meet at the same time - so that means we're going to have to keep up. I hope I can do something. I know last week that I set a goal for Monday on something we were doing with the project and we weren't able to make ourselves do it until Thursday. It is going to be a very crowded week.
Ok, that was the most immediate thing to get out of our minds ... what else? Last time we wrote was actually last Saturday - so that's six days, but it took til Sunday to post. SO, we're probably going to have to figure out time from Sunday forward. We can do it right?
Hmm, grouchy Rich just came by and he said there was nothing he could do ... because he said it just depended on the oxygen in the air. HMPMF! Think he's grouchy because it's just after 6 am and he has to be in the city at 7:30 am so will be leaving in a few moments. He set the alarm for 5 am, but didn't really wake up until 5:20 am, then he felt rushed to get through the shower and dressed. Now we hear him outside fiddling with the radon parts. I guess it's going to be one of those days.
Ok, now he's gone, he said it was going to be a bad day. I never like that. He said, I know, I know they are all bad days, but we didn't want to hear that either. I think he's not planning on seeing his mother, because he's going to be in Chicago ALL day. The news there is that he went to a care meeting yesterday at his Mom's rehab hospital, and she's supposed to be released on Tuesday. They want her to have more care at home, and we believe it too, but Rich is sure there isn't enough money. I know he pays the bills so would know best, but I think for her safety, someone should be around more. He said he could move it so there is like a half an hour more both shifts, but I don't think that's enough.
Mostly, because of his Mom's inability to do for herself simple things like get dressed, use the bathroom, eat, and take medicine. Instead she does bad things like smoking and drinking. Rich also said yesterday, he got the checks back from the bank and found four checks written to a local bar, which means she ordered four bottles BIG bottles of alcohol in one week. He says he's going to go over there or call, but I'm figuring she'll just go to the next bar or the next. They should be held accountable though in that they sent her so much alcohol she fell and broke her neck. I know that Rich was throwing it away as fast as he could find it, and that she spent like $100 that week on it ... Just is a lot. I don't see that breaking her neck has slowed her down, because she's just ornery like she was before. I think this is going to go badly for her and I'm thinking that there is not much Rich can do.
I think if it were me, he would go through the courts to have her committed to a nursing home, but Rich is big on maintaining her rights. I know that rights are important, but she's proved herself dangerous each time. I don't have to beat that horse, so will let it go ... just that's what's happening now. We don't know where the Bud thing is ... before we knew the soonest he could come back to stay at the house was mid-November, but I don't see that situation as changing either. He doesn't want her to yell back at him, even if he's yelling at her and he doesn't want her smoking or drinking ... it's like yeah ... Rich has tried stopping all that ... and just can't do anything about it either. I don't know though ... very much look down on Bud for disregarding the care of his wife. I know, I know ... we've been around this pole before. Soooo ... moving on.
Hmm, Rich is out of the house? YES! That means ice cream! Very good stuff. We only had 3/4's of a serving though, because we wanted some more this evening and it was the last of it. It was very good though - our favorite! Rich gets us this low fat Edy's with caramel swirl ... I was just claiming to someone that the kitties were in the lap of luxury, but MAYBE it is us with the silver spoon!
*sigh* better move on ...
So let's see we pretty much finished with Rich and his mother ... let's see what else there is to be writing about. More than anything we just want to write and it's a matter of setting which thoughts trickle out the hose.
We should mention that we survived without Dr. Marvin. That was a pretty good deal, but we have five more days to go. It's too early to come up with much for a weekend plan, but I am thinking that we're going to be good to go. Maury called us this week to remind me it would be his birthday NEXT week on the 2nd, and he's invited Rich and us over. I think Rich has to move his boat by November 1rst, but otherwise the weekend is good. There is a chance that he could be picking up Jon after that to maybe stay a few days, but they are slow to be making a plan. I know Rich said he might come during the week.
There is no word from Thom, so I don't know if he's in DC, Houston, or Japan. Maybe Joe will know, but I don't want to be overly pushing him for information. I do know though that Joe wouldn't call and tell me information ... it's more like a by the way Thom's gone. Not sure if I'm really prepared for the information. I think if they didn't accept Thom it be more in the line of him drinking and they would know about that. Ok, Mom that's enough of that. Seems like drinking is on the mind this morning. *SIGH*
Let's go back to Dr. Marvin. We know he's been on vacation, but we didn't ask him where. Sometimes he'll tell us and other times not. He rolls like that. AHA! the sun is really coming out today! I can see the color of our house (white) and that the rose bush in the corner between our sitting room wall at a 90 degree angle from the sunroom has grown unimaginably. I don't know what to do about other things growing out there. LIKE the marigolds that grew by our light post are just a heavenly spray. They are still bright like it was just summer, even though we had snow earlier this week. Just don't know what to do about them. Maybe we're going to have to read up on that this weekend. HMM, ok there is a plan!
We told Rich yesterday too that it was going to be our 19 year anniversary on Sunday and that we should plan on it. Eventually, it came out that we will have dinner at our NEW favorite Mexican place - the one that serves those light chips baked in butter and cinnamon and ice cream. We thought that a VERY good idea. And, as to our gift ... we asked Rich if he could give us a "sex card" which would allow for us to ask for it ANY time of the day on Sunday ... just once ... but Rich is a traditionalist and not going any further, I do want to have my way with him. I guess it was good planning, because last night was pretty good too! We didn't want to wear him out, but definitely when he's in the mood, so are we. OK OK OK OK OK I know ENOuGH! BUT, it was pleasant thinking about it ANYway!
Next?
Hmm, must be better oxygen because we have a nice yellow/orange flame in the fireplace now ... good thinking there fire!
I should have taken our medicine though last time we got up for coffee. Maybe we better do that now since we're in a stall mode.
Ok, good good ... take special note. Kid's gather at bus stop across the street between 7-7:15 am, AND that it's a good idea not to go beyond the fill line of our Herbalife shake! See we're moving along. It seems like the kids were bigger than smaller - so either junior or senior high. It's hard to see them because we have some trees out front that obscure the view. I have to be thinking too ... If I can see them, they can see me. We'd be a lousy point of interest to them, but would like to keep OUT of their conversations!
GOING BACK ... we seem to be avoiding the Dr. Marvin conversation. I think the majority of that is that we have thought about him maybe 100 times during this last eight days and he is sorely being missed. There was more time this week to get things done and that was nice, but we found ourselves over eager to talk to our computer friends, because we missed him. Part of that was a little more loneliness and the other part was that we have our most stimulating conversations with Dr. Marvin. Without him we got bubbly without knowing how to slow down and get some of the thoughts out quietly. I know I know ... it's a problem. I don't think it's going to hit the priority time when we finally get to see Dr. Marvin next week. Monday is start of the 4 week course, and then Wednesday and Friday we'll see Dr. Marvin.
I suppose we should move on ... lets see how did the days arrange for us this week? Saturday was a writing day, and we think then a cleaning day. We washed dishes last night, so today will have to empty the dishwasher and by principle it is a clothes washing day, so the NEXT time we get up we'll have to stick a load in the washer, k? That just makes good common sense. Other than that, we have some blankets to take care of, but I'm thinking not that much. However, Rich has been working in the sunroom, so we should check to see if that floor needs vacuuming. We know for SURE that this floor in the sitting room needs it. The cats went crazy this week shredding the cardboard scratching box we have for them in here. It's probably the worse week ever for that. I've got to think that it's either the colder weather, or that we've had the fire going, and the box is right next to that ... so maybe getting the cats in the mood. We've got another box like that in the kitchen and we discovered last week when vacuuming the edges that we could make it neater by vacuuming out the pieces shredded from the box itself. We'll do that today when we do this floor.
I know sex straight to shredding of cardboard, what's the glory in that? Ok, girls let it go!
If we get to the laundry today, then maybe today or tomorrow we'd be able to get to the bedroom floor too - you know the floor cleaner shark. Never made it last weekend so the task still waits for us. But, maybe the REALLY special tasks should go toward doing something outside before its too late. The snow melted, but we're thinking its too late for Rich to do the lawn once more. He got to two sides, but he didn't get to the front, which means we could have to live with it all year. We were a little scared too for the farmers. There was still a lot of crop to get in ... the thought of snow must be horrifying for them!
There washroom AND clothes ... :) I think just two loads today IF I can get one more load out of the laundry soap, and then save a half load for tomorrow's clothes. I think I washed more of my pajamas than clothes - see that's another Dr. Marvin conversation! Without going in ... we are much more comfortable in pajamas. Hmm forgot to check the floor out in the sunroom. At this point, I can safely guess that it needs vacuuming. Rich is taking off labels off of the radon plastic units - and now instead of using that waterfall like thing, he's using a drill with a brush on it and it seems to be working out fine. If we were being a really good Ann, we would help by surprising him with the removal of the inside label. He suggested this week, but we weren't really speedy about getting back to him on that level. Maybe for his anniversary gift we could do something like that. Hmm?
We'll wait for Rich to come home to remind him, that we forgot to tell him, that we need laundry detergent. That be a smart Ann. :)
Let's think over the rest of today, and the weekend. Is there anything we really need to get done? Rich already stopped and bought a pumpkin. He always likes one somewhere near the kitchen and this year it is on the middle of the table rather than a counter. Suits me fine! Let's see Sunday out to dinner, and maybe outside both Saturday and Sunday? Any extra physical activities? We talked to Maury about being at his house like 10-10:30 am the following Saturday for his birthday, Jades, and it turns out Lady's too. It's like Friday, Saturday AND Sunday birthdays :) I think we are going to do a brunch. We'll have to think through birthday gifts too. Usually it's money, but not too much, sadly not much at all :( Ok, that was enough thinking of that!
Looking around the house again ... I think we have to do something with the bills going to Medicaid though we got some paperwork in last week from Medicare and it seems that we could be eligible if not already, soon. I didn't understand what they sent me, but we brought it in to Dr. Marvin and maybe then he could help us sort it out. He read it and didn't understand it either though and he said he was going to bring it to the woman that does the billing (Carol) ... lots of Carols? So maybe we'll just straighten out the stack and bring it into him. I think we are getting behind, and I still don't know if they applied the $500 to one of our accounts to show Medicaid we paid. I don't like the woman doing UIC billing, because she's not on top of things, nor is she proactive, nor does she seem to follow the big picture, and again she takes forever with not good results. What does it say about a hospital to say they messed up billing (sent a letter), but they didn't do anything to correct the problem? BLAH!
But, that's one of the things still sitting undone.
We haven't done anything with the sewing and we're back to where we left off last week. We would like to sew on Cari's quilt, but it interferes with after dinner computer. BUT, we would really like to get that project out before Christmas. It's the only quilting going out this year and I want Cari to know it's hers without Christmas because she should have had it three years ago. And, then there is those baby blankets. I think the best we did in that direction was to keep the door open to the sewing room somedays, because it's TV is just 10-12 feet away from my recliner - SO, we could listen to the Sirius music. Sorry no further there.
We did do pretty good with the dieting ... We've discovered that if we start dishes before bed we're more apt to do the double shakes, because we then have two clean glasses specially for the blender. That makes obvious sense, but until you think of it ... just really gets disregarded. We did try new batteries in the scale, but the new batteries didn't seem to work. The scale said "LO" which I took to mean low charge on the batteries. I had thought Rich picked up some newer ones just 3-4 weeks ago, but I don't know where he put them. We will have to ask over the weekend when he is home while we're thinking about it. The other alternative which might be the better one, would be to wait until going to Joe's again to be tested on his special scale that does other numbers besides just weight. We'll see which comes up first.
I think that's about it of our physical plans ... I did notice a gathering of dust by the TV this week, so maybe we'll add that too - to do a good dusting around the house and ask Rich if he can get some high stuff like above kitchen cupboards and fan blades. It's going to be dry enough during the colder months not to be pushing around dust too. I think beside another pile of Rich's paperwork all the surfaces are clean. We did a little better especially toward the last couple of days in keeping up with general chores. We didn't, however, keep up with bed-making. SO, maybe we'll put that on the priority list too. Hmm, one more thing I just thought of. We need to have our oil changed - Rich said he'd do that, but might need reminding ... and then whether finding a place here in town, or stopping in LaGrange on Wednesday after Dr. Marvin's we want to get the car cleaned once more inside and out before the snow sets in. The carpet and dash really need some work AND we should do it now that there isn't anything else in the car. Maybe one empty fast food bag, but that should be it. Really makes a difference at long last to have the sewing machine inside.
Anything else?
Hmm, for good measure should go over the bathrooms really well. I'd like to think it can be done in-between NOT having guests hehehe. Ok you! Get on the Ball!
Hmm, Rich said something about cleaning windows in the sunroom before it gets snowy ... not sure if there will be time for that, but if he's going to be working out there all winter - it really should be better insulated. BUT, we're in terrible shape to be doing it with him. We'll have to bring it up though. I think he did call the insurance people and I think he has to go in for some reason with something. Just remembered he'd talked to someone and that whatever had to be done next was on Rich. He's going to have a really hard time of it with his mother coming home, but some time and attention HAS to be paid to the roof before winter and that is soooo close from now.
Oh that's something that could tie him up too. The doctor agreed to order a hospital bed delivered to his mothers place as part of her treatment, and they are supposed to be sending some different kinds of therapists. Rich is going to need somehow arrange the room so that some of the furniture comes out and the bed goes in. Right now she has a queen bed size and between that and several pieces of furniture crowds the room, so that when she falls, they are having trouble picking her up. Last time Rich had to do it, he needed to move both the mattresses off the bed because she'd jammed herself under the bed. I know more of that coming up soon.
20 more minutes and we'll have to turn off the fireplace :( ... that makes me unhappy, but I know the rules - between 8:30 am and 4:30 pm, we've agreed to turn it off to save money. By then we'll have to switch laundry loads too. I think it's toward the end of its rinse cycles.
SOOO, have we finally gotten toward the end of physical tasks?
I think the most important thing in consideration of the weekend is that we need to have our plate clear so we can go into Monday with the course being really ready for what shows up there. I think there will be discussions to participate in and there will be more things to read. The teacher opened the registration in the room on Monday and we were the first student in. That's not unusual for us, but we haven't been back since to see how the enrollment has gone ... maybe we'll try to find that place again now. BRB.
Hmm, looks like we're all up to date there ... nothing new has been added by the instructors, we've read the intro material ... and did a little light housekeeping there. It looks like so far there are two teachers, though we think that only one is teaching the course though the other can jump in. AND, there are 9 of us students. Most of the people there are owners, CEO's or other high level positions. I'm pretty sure we're coming in as the only one out on a limb. We listed ourselves as Curator of information on Dissociative Identity Disorder. Good enough!
Ok, time to make the next transition ... laundry, fireplace ... AND bed? Woohoo you go girl!
Ahhh back ... but hurts, hurts!
That was a lot of up. Forgot to fold Rich's blanket by the chair that by now Chief's captured. Did do all the rest. So next time up we will fold the clothes in the dryer, AND maybe hang up some clothes. Things were washed last time that were folded, but not hung up. Like to get that done so I could do that area of the bathroom. That will be enough of that trip. And, then? I think the dusting comes next along with folding the towels, and then we will take maybe two times to vacuum floors. It be nice to wash the kitchen floor too since it's still early and Rich is out for the day. Maybe that will be around ... umm ... shoot, if we include the two and a half baths ... we'll be into this afternoon. Well, on the good side it will be done for tomorrow, right?
I think the general plan is to do the majority of the housecleaning on Friday and/or Saturday while we're doing the blogging. Seems that it is a working combination.
During some of the conversations this week - maybe by Tuesday or Wednesday, Rich let me know how much happier and stress free he is when we keep up with the house like this week. He says then it isn't something that he has to think about so his thoughts go to other things he can be doing like paperwork, his mother's stuff or even the radon housings in the sunroom. I think that is going well for him. He's been trying to train himself to at least work out there one hour each night and during the days he is home. It's got to be up to him to do the work he needs to do, but the one time this week he blamed it on me.
Basically, somehow we'd gotten into a disagreement. I think it was about his mother. The gist of that is ... he thinks she should come home because that's her preference, but we think she needs the care of a nursing home - W/O the booze. We do a few moments of that, but then pull back, because again and again ... it's not up to me. But, something happened in-between ... I'm not sure. I think his voice elevated to exasperated, and then our system shut down ... I think now that we are thinking about it that part of that was he was asking me what I was going to do ... it was after dinner/Sheldon. He'd spent most the day with his mother and NOT doing work, but I didn't want to have him choose me, just to get blamed afterward that he wasn't getting time for work. So, we pushed him to decide. But, he refused to decide so we thought fine ... You should go work ... you are going to blame me for it one way or another the next day.
That's pretty much what did happen. I got blamed for making him work. It is just not fair. That night though we didn't do too well. We shut down the house - made sure kitchen cleaned up and then we went to bed, even though it was only 8 pm. Younger scared parts were out and we were very still and hyper sensitive to all the sounds the part was scanning. I think that Rich stayed out in the sunroom for about an hour, or at least that's what he said. Then, he just came in the bedroom and leaned on the bed facing us just a few inches away. He seemed to have known that a younger part was out and he didn't rush her. I don't know how it worked from there. Somehow, I think it worked out and he probably got into bed so we could snuggle. We had a hard time talking or feeling safe. It's a possibility that both Gracie and Anna were out ... not sure.
Another day or two went by and we found something by chance that we emailed to Rich and asked him to read. This is what it said ... sorry for the length.
Starts here...
Martha Beck: How to Stop Taking Out Your Anger on Others
What do you do when you're stressed, swamped or seriously overwhelmed? Unleash hell on an innocent bystander, of course! But if you'd rather stop displacing your feelings and start facing your troubles head-on, Martha Beck has a game plan for you.
By Martha Beck
Read more: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Anger-Management-Tips-Displaced-Aggression-Martha-Beck/1#ixzz2idfrPMW7
stress rolling.jpg
Illustration: Dan Page
So your best friend at the office is suddenly let go, and you spend the rest of the day dreading that the ax is about to fall on you, too. Later, at home, you hold it together—until your 6-year-old pops out of bed for the fifth time, asking for another glass of water. At which point you hear yourself roar, "Oh for heaven's sake! Would it kill you to just go to sleep for once?!"
Or maybe as soon as you leave the office, you head to your parents' house for your second shift. Your mother suffers from Alzheimer's, and your father recently broke his hip. You manage to stay cheerful with both of them, but at home that night, when your husband innocently asks where to find the peanut butter, you snap, "Figure it out, Sherlock."
Or perhaps one morning, without even meaning to, you notice a series of intimate texts between your boyfriend and someone named Tiffany. You drive to work, glance through the papers in your in-box, then blast into your assistant's cubicle like a hurricane. "When will you learn to conjugate the verb to lie? Am I paying you to write like a moron?"
Psychologists call this phenomenon displaced aggression. Often when we feel powerless, we dump our anger on someone else—someone we know won't fight back. Military folks have a charming phrase for displaced aggression, which, for the sake of politeness, I will euphemize here as "stress rolls downhill." I'm sure you can recall times when people rolled their stress onto your unprotected head. And unless you're a saint, I'm sure you've rolled your stress onto others'. Learning to stop stress-rolling is one of the best things you can do for your relationships and your general life satisfaction. Let's start now, before someone else gets hurt.
Know How to Roll
The cause of stress-rolling is always the same: You experience a situation in which you feel too overwhelmed, confused or scared to express your true feelings. You're fighting for your life, and you're losing. The enemy may be a change in your work situation. Or your parents' increasing fragility. Or a shaky relationship. Whatever the problem, if it seems too big to solve, you may believe you have no choice but to internalize your fear and anger.
Unfortunately, feelings don't want to stay hidden. Like water held back by a dam, they are always pushing, seeking a crack to leak or entirely break through. The "cracks" in our ability to suppress negative feelings are relationships in which our defenses are lowest, our fears smallest. Our hidden feelings seep or burst out when we're with people we trust or who aren't in a position to resist us. This dynamic explains why upstanding citizens who never shout at a stranger will scream curses at a lover, and why people who take an undue share of grief from their boss bully their underlings in turn.
To eliminate a tendency to stress-roll, you first have to notice it in other people: the man who yanks his dog around every time he gets the shaft at work; the brand-new ex-smoker who shouts at her husband when she runs out of nicotine gum. Watch these people and get a feel for how disproportionately intense their behavior is. Then honestly identify the same sort of overreactions in yourself. Where does your temper flare? When do you weep hysterically? What situations frustrate you to the point of physical violence?
One excellent sign that you're stress-rolling may be a hint of sheepish guilt or shame. This will show up after you've rolled your negativity onto someone, or even while you're doing the rolling. Deep down, your conscience will be whispering, "I'm not being fair. This isn't about Priscilla eating all the toast. I'm just venting because no one's watching my kitten video on YouTube."
Unfortunately, many people, embarrassed by this tickle of conscience, actually increase their stress-rolling as a method of self-defense. They'll bring up old arguments and mutant grievances to justify the stress-rolling. For example, you might follow up your outburst toward your son by saying, "You've got to stop bothering Mommy all the time." You might keep pounding your husband: "If you ever cleaned the kitchen, you'd know damn well where to find the peanut butter." You might point out every grammatical goof your assistant has made since the day she was hired. This is like a general who opens fire on his own troops, then decides he'd better shoot a few more so they'll be too scared to stand up to him. Don't be like that general. Instead...
Identify the Real Enemy
No matter how much stress we roll downhill, no matter how we justify the rolling, ultimately we still have to deal with the situations that caused our discontent. The only thing stress-rolling accomplishes is the creation of new enemies out of old allies (or potential allies)—a classic lose-lose situation. So the moment you get the slightest inkling that you're stress-rolling, excuse yourself, take some deep breaths and figure out what's really bothering you.
Because the core issue is often so upsetting that you push it out of your consciousness, you may not be able to articulate it at first. Luckily, you have a built-in problem-pinpointer: discomfort. Identifying your deepest emotional triggers is like finding where a bone has broken; you poke at the general area until you find the epicenter of the pain. Ask yourself the following questions:
1. "What's really bothering me?"
2. "What's the worst thing about that?"
3. "What's the worst thing about that?"
4. Repeat question 3 until you reach the source of your distress.
You'll know you've hit upon your real issue when all your irritation with innocent bystanders disappears in a flood of fear, sorrow, or despair. You'll probably feel helpless about coping with the core dilemma—that's why you displaced your aggression in the first place. Looking squarely at overwhelming problems requires extreme courage and honesty. Solving them takes even more. You may feel you don't have such valor in you, but that's okay. Just look around.
Align Yourself with Your Allies
To find courage you don't possess, all you need to do is share real facts about your real problems with people who may be able to help. I reiterate: people who may be able to help. If you've stress-rolled onto someone who holds less social power than you—say, your child or your assistant—simply apologize. These are not the people you should ask for counsel; doing so would leave them feeling even more overwhelmed than you feel. Find someone who, from your perspective, has at least as much power as you do.
For example, after yelling at your child, you might say, "Honey, I'm so sorry for shouting at you. I was worried about something completely different, but I'm getting help with that." Then you could call an adult who's survived hard times—your father, a coworker, your best friend—and talk about your career uncertainty. Or you could offer your husband a peanut butter sandwich—and the truth about your physical and emotional fatigue. Or you could admit to your assistant that you were out of line, then close your office door and call a couples counselor to discuss your relationship.
Are you seeing the pattern here? Apologize, tell the truth, get help from someone who's not below you on the power pyramid.
You may feel awkward being this honest and open. Suck it up. If you don't want to be the general who shoots at his own troops, you need to consult experienced, educated advisers. Make no mistake: You are the one and only leader of your life. But you'll be amazed by how brave, learned and resourceful the people around you can be. Honesty and humility will help you solve both the problems that create stress-rolling and the problems stress-rolling creates.
Keep Enlarging Your Circle of Advisers
As you begin to stop rolling stress onto others, you'll also start to gather crucial information that will help you face any problem without feeling overwhelmed: You'll learn whom to trust and in what capacity. Not every person you ask for help will be able or willing to give it. Your work friends may amplify your fears with their own. Your husband might shut down the moment you start talking. Your couples counselor could be a complete idiot. It happens. Just keep consulting different people until you get a response that feels genuinely helpful. The great thing about total honesty is that once you are grounded in it, you immediately know when someone's advice to you is wrong.
Lao Tzu said, "All streams flow to the sea because it is lower than they are. Humility gives it its power." Every time you avoid rolling your negative emotions downhill, and instead admit the places you feel lowest, you'll find your power paradoxically growing. As you feel less overwhelmed and more balanced, you'll lift the people who look up to you until they, too, stop stress-rolling and start leveling with you about their own issues. In time, the very people you once dumped on may join you in solving any problems you face. Rolling on together, you'll be unstoppable.
Martha Beck's latest book is The Martha Beck Collection: Essays for Creating Your Right Life, Volume One (Martha Beck Inc.).
Read more: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Anger-Management-Tips-Displaced-Aggression-Martha-Beck/2#ixzz2idgjgwpO
Rich I bought her book for $3.99 on Kindle
Ends Here...
Ok, that's the story ... basically, he did read it while we were both here, and then we talked about it. He had a very bad time of thinking/believing that he was doing that - absorbing stress - especially from work and his mother, and then the refinancing of his first house, etc., and then coming in and on a hair trigger dumping a lot of anger on us. We usually dissipate some of our frustration by trying to talk to him when he's calmed down, but especially during our sessions with Dr. Marvin. I think he realizes it too because it was him who asked if we would like him to talk to Rich. Rich knows that's in the air, but he's tried to avoid it since we first talked to him.
Afterward - like after showing him this article he showed little signs of remembering it - because he brought it up in context, though we're not remembering how right now. It was something small. That seems to be a good first step ... at least he peaked out the window. Sometimes he can be aware of how much stress he is under and at other times just needs to get angry out - like the article says stress rolling. I think the more we learn to talk about it with him the better it is.
One of the nice things yesterday was that ... well in general some times we continue to work when he comes in and makes dinner, but sometimes we go and sit with him like last night. He talked about the stuff that was on his mind particularly how it went with his mother and what he would have to do next to get the place ready to take her back (her home). But, then there was a quiet period where we were just petting the cat. We'd long since gotten ourselves a fresh can of diet coke and were just resting comfortably in his space, but not too invasive.
And, then the good thing? He actually asked us how our day went. And, then we were like seriously? He interrupted that time then a couple times to either get new food supplies in the laundry room or to go to the bathroom, but he remembered that we were still on "Ann stuff" when he came back. It really allowed a very nice time.
We talked about what kinds of stuff we were doing. It started off - we had pre-thunk it, but we knew we'd met 3 out of 4 goals that yesterday. The first was to do dishes and litter box and garbage. We told him, we didn't make the bed, but had done most of what we had tried to do. That was goal one. The second goal was to keep up with correspondence during the day, and then we told him about the groups we were now involved with. And, then the third goal we told him about catching up with the 47 entries to the Learnist account. The fourth thing we didn't get done was to work on the big computer to do work with mapping the bloggers stuff. BUT, we had gotten Pinterest AND Learnist in for the week and we had gotten, all the blogs we meant to read, read, and we'd annotated them. That was pretty good work during the week. AND, we had a chance one evening to do some of the translation going from blog to mindmapping, so again testing the waters. It had been a long time since being able to carve out that much time when we still had the energy to do it. I think we went only through 5-6 blogs, but it was well worth the effort. We found the excitement coming back into it. We know that work is falling to Kelsie and Lissa and between them, they are like having the best time ever. I think between all of us internals, they are the happiest and most productive as a team as we have. It just seems more of late that Kelsie is letting in Lissa and we've been very grateful of not only the results, but the feelings we get inside that they are really working successfully through thoughts that mean something to the system. We feel a little like Sheldon, when he is in the zone. You know?
That's probably the most exciting thing this week, although there have been several ... getting quality Rich-time always ranks high, getting to know a little better the people in the Multiple groups is up there - though we don't want to publicly say what's going on there. Indirectly though as to our part and how we feel being in the groups ... it's really nice for various reasons between the groups. I have to say that we feel closest to the people in the Plural Activism group in that they know more about me/us and they are much more apt to be coming into the situation with plans to be working outside the group. This is all in a good way. We've presented a couple of the groups with things that really meant something to us this week. Most really can't get to it well, but some did read it and there was conversations on the material.
I felt like I really needed to run it past people and I thought it was in the communities best interest because it was stuff that affected the things that get talked about in group. There were two primary things we wanted to talk about both from the Google search work. The first was about the student doctors and the second was about continuing news about Elisabeth Loftus. Neither of the news was favorable to the community. Loftus had been approached by a news organization out of Utah, who seem to have made up their mind which side of the coin they were falling on as to the differences in belief between people who understood Multiplicity as real opposed to those who didn't. The arguments from the ones who don't believe are "typical." We might go into some of them later. The one's who don't like Multiplicity or have much belief in that incest happens are the ones that hold Loftus up. I think between all the names out there, she has one of the biggest names because of her "research" and in being in many courtrooms. It doesn't mean that she is right, just she's a figurehead for that cause. Her research isn't strong - from what I understood they were experiments out of context, and the participant size was low, and they are old studies.
The next group - the first one mentioned - Student Doctors. That just makes a person want to sit down and cry. If we were going to do things right, we would maybe do that group too as to sitting down and noting their arguments. Maybe with all this data we are collecting, we will be able to one day put ourselves in a situation where we can contest point by point the positives and negatives of each side. I think it is really sucky though that each side has people to argue for it, who are really more insulting than not. If someone claims to be a Multiple who isn't, then they lower the cause and give the other side room to shoot down ALL of the Multiples, and if they on the other side, choose to put out arguments that are old and tired and not supported, but given the numbers think they are presenting fact, then that is hurting their cause.
That's what was happening with the student doctors. They were in positions of becoming psychiatrists or at least had been working a round in psychiatry, and they'd come to decisions that weren't based in anything, but general hearsay. They didn't read books, or do research, or talk to Multiples, they just had an impression from this stuff going on in the circus around Multiplicity and its general 2013 culture, and they were accepting that at face value. It really was disgusting. Depending on who they had talked to and respected in their field - that was the general direction they were going to go. I don't know how evenly the divider is between people who do and do not believe in Multiplicity, but we go back to thinking that our best bet is to better understand Dell/O'Neils' book on dissociation.
It's a funny thing in psychiatry though ... the most valid information out there is done privately between the students/doctors. The tests, professional journals, associations, and papers are generally inaccessible to the general population even if they could understand the language which seems to be coded. When they are made available, they sell for in general $35 and upward APIECE! So for every article written, you have to pay a cost, and for the people who have DID or simply multiplicity the cost is preventive from reading the information. Sometimes Multiples become students and have more access to the material, but in general not nearly anywhere towards where they have extra time to be studying the topic. So, it stays the relevant proximity of those in higher circles - generally doctors and some students, and from there not often sees the light of day.
I think that's why Dell's book is so important. If we can get through the difference of complex language they use, then we've got some resource in understanding what they are finding about Multiplicity on a professional level. We're never going to even-up information that we can know opposed to those who can pay for the information, but we'd be in a better position in trying to fight back and advocate for ourselves.
I'm doing pretty well with getting to the tip of the iceberg in information about or from Multiples, but I'm not nearly sufficient for the whole of the task. Like we read the blogs from Multiples for this last week, BUT, the last time we were able to do this was maybe late August or early September - so over a month ago. AND, we are reading the information quickly, and of the information being utilized for the map - much less is gotten too. We've got to make the first priority getting information out to the community, but then the second part of that is doing something with the information. We're going to need being more prolific at that task. While thinking through all this and appreciating not having to drive into the city this week - for the extra time we had, more time went to correspondence then in the past, but we know to build up a PLN (Personal Learning Network), we have to be connected to where larger groups of people are getting together. At this point, there are:
144 Multiples listed who blog, but 7 are over the one year mark - so that total is 137 ... pretty much then holding to about 140 bloggers.
There are 233 Multiples listed in Twitter, but even more so than the blogging, some of the internal parts within each Multiple system list different names so that list is somewhat inflated.
So far, we have a total of 1311 days/(doubled because we are searching for DID AND MPD) so approximately 3-4 years of data from the google search, most of which is untapped. I maybe be immodest, but I'm pretty sure we have the largest ongoing collection there, though for every time I mention it there is that much better a chance someone picks up the idea - and is able to be more competitive with my resource bank, because bottom line is that it is public. Believe me PLENTY of work to be done out there for more people!
I was a little taken back this week, in that our scoopit was scooped. It was by someone from Australia working in the mental health field. She also has a board for dissociative identity disorder, and she scooped 13 of our entries. Wow! That was a lot. She does have different resources that we don't have, but we're going to try maintaining things discovered only through the Google search to keep the dynamics of our study consistent. That is generally what scoop-it is about - collecting information, but it was surprising, because she had taken so many pieces from the same resource. I'm going to choose however, to be more proud than not. That's the idea, is that you WANT people to be interested.
It does, however, remind us that we have maybe a couple of weeks information to get over to scoop-it. We tested it out this morning and their little app is now working again. This last week catching up we hadn't been able to get our pinterest or our Twitter feeds over to there. We also fell behind in being able to keep up our Buffer feed for Twitter, or to be reading from our Tweetdeck. We did pick-up on a few people through the interaction setting, but that was about it.
Harold Jarche, the person we are taking the class for next week wrote this morning that, "In personal knowledge management, the key is finding small habits that can be developed, that over time yield big results, like grains of sand. My sense-making here comes through the habit of a fortnightly blog post. Finding what works for you is the focus of my PKM Workshops, with the next one beginning this Monday. The challenge is to find something that works for you and will last over time. This is probably the biggest hurdle in PKM."
So, every couple of weeks he has to do something as to his collections. We are trying to do it weekly, but some of it is not getting done at all, so we'll definitely listen carefully to what he has to say. We are really excited to be in the course and as a secondary asset, we should be able to figure out how we're doing compared to some of the "bigger guys" out there. I think they have people who can do some of the work (in numbers of people) - which works in their benefit, but as to their time (the leaders of companies), I have more personal time to direct ONLY to personal knowledge management (PKM), so I have that to MY advantage. I'm sure I'm going to find out that the kind of data they are collecting is much different from what we're doing. That works out fine to me.
Whoops, those big business leaders probably don't have laundry they are doing in the meantime! Let me see ... I was going to do folding clothes AND putting clothes on hangers. BRB... Did you know that insight sometimes comes when you've prepped your mind to be thinking, but then stepped away to be doing something else? I mean how mind-draining can laundry be - maybe good peculation time! Hehehehe
Pswooh! We did really good that time ... we folded clothes, hung two sets of clothes up AND we emtpied the dishwasher and put a few more things away in the empty dishwasher. Feeling pretty good. I'm thinking that the next time ... we'll fold towels, AND do dusting. I don't know if I can move through the entire house and get everything, but we're going to try. :) Might have to get something to drink first ... feeling a little thirsty. We finished the little bit of water, we usually leave on the little chair/table next to us. I see four little things here to do ... a few coupons fell on the floor, there are two water bottles, blankets need folding and we left a bag of receipts on tea cart ... THAT should be done next too. Little worried over the kitties. They are both on my arm chair wanting to sit on my lap. Hmm, shooed them both away because I can't do them on days of heavy typing, but now have to watch the big one, because he's been trying to use my carpet when he's frustrated with me.
Good saw to that one ... he then went past the kitchen, so I know he's headed for the litter box. I guess that is what comes to mind when people say she or he is pissy!
ARGH! I hate that kind of language. Please lets not use it more? Please?
HMMM... moving on. Umm, lets do the little sitting room stuff AND get some water? I know we were just up, but make us feel better, right?
There better! Did those little things and checked for how bad the sunroom might be where Rich was working. It's TERRIBLE! There are tiny piece of white sticky paper everywhere around his work station and cords. I think if we just concentrate on that area we'll be good. I think now that he is using the power tool he might not need the circulating sink. I still want the pump to do something - like a water fall, but I'm not thinking he's going for that. We did think of something he could do ... we have a little wooden mirror set that was supposed to be hung in the bedroom 7 months ago, maybe I can ask for that for my OTHER anniversary gift. I was going to give it to one of my Granddaughters, because it had sat for so long on my dresser, but he saw it in the outgoing bag and said, NOT to give it away and that he'd take care of it. It's still sitting by the doorway being a pain.
Hmm, the cat is back ... he'd gone for a little refreshment. Now he's looking at my chair again, but again we'll shoo him away. They've gotten WAY TOO settled with me being around during the day. It's like ALL the time? We ignored him and kept typing and so now he's just sitting not knowing his next move. He's looking over to the shredding box, and up to Rich's chair. Missy just checked on him too. Can't believe he'll choose the floor though over a piece of cushy furniture. We'll see ... moving on...
Ok, where to next?
Hmm, cat just jumped up and I put him over on the other chair, but he's not happy. I think usually what happens is that I forget about the animals, and they just sneak over. It's driving him crazy that I'm watching his moves. Yesterday though we found a patch of wall he's been damaging and we're watching his patterns now VERY carefully. It's bad enough he might spot on the floor, but I don't think there's much you can do with those couple of inches on the wall. Rich was too busy this morning to talk to him about it, so we'll try tomorrow.
GOOD! Chief finally laid down on the chair. Now Missy is watching him and I think she'll either join him, or she'll go tuck herself in under the cabinet. I don't have to worry about her.
Let's go back to the computer work, and figure out if there is more to do/think through in that area. Oh Lordy ... wait a sec. Just realized I have 34 emails ... we've been trying to keep up with that because of the group conversations. Let me go look.
Wow! That's a deal breaker! One of the new people I've met through a group I just joined asked us, actually asked us what we thought about a forum chat with a couple of student doctors that we had discovered through the Google search. We had HATED what we were reading and we were highly insulted and downright scared for what we'd seen. But I hadn't REALLY looked into the very essence of what we had seen and recommended others look at too.
We started to right the following:
I/We hadn't collected all our initial thoughts, but be happy to do it now to carry on the conversation. It starts with the first member asking "Who believes in the DID diagnosis?" Like it is a spiritual awakening rather than a educational fact. I would write out each persons name as I went, but this site only offers identifying numbers ... so for sake of argument it is a junior member 83378 posing the question. Heaven forbid that people with opinions be identified as REAL people! He states that his buddies never saw a case so obviously it doesn't exist. Strike a no to the conversation of Multiplicity being real. Keep in mind this conversation didn't happen YEARS ago, it happened eight days ago AND this person is going INTO the field that is supposed to help us.
ARGH. Just erased what was typed out and we don't have the patience to replace. So for now ... just know that Kate has approved that we dedicate the rest of this day or as long as needed to answer the student doctors notes left in their forum. We do know by this time (post-popcorn/pop) that we're going to use the mind map, and that we had a big insight flash as to doing much more on the mind map. Basically, the anchor thought is ... that we should be doing when time avails getting the google thoughts online to the mind map too. Not just as bring overs that duplicate some of the work done at the Learnist level, but as well to in-bed some of the stuff within the conversation stream. The really hottest thought at this moment is to be making the mind map work so well that the whole argument of DID is placed out in it ... and that all the underlying data can go into making better sense in that in most conversations just a short spec of time and prejudice is put into the argument, before it is dropped. Then that short-tired piece of "blah" is picked up and declared a learned opinion. Just like these student doctors are doing too. What the Fuck? My friend the psych doctor didn't see it, so it doesn't exist? What kind of bullshit is that!?? We can do better.
I miss most Dr. Marvin at times like this, but I know he believes in us and would encourage us to work forward. Better to keep him close mentally today, especially as we tend to tire and dissociate. BUT, I've had two scares already as to using this writing app ... want to get it blogged, and be moving on our day ... Good thoughts to you!
(36,907/7,718)
BTW ... Just in case you want to look at it too ... this is the discussion from the student doctor's forum we're talking about ... see you back here soon.
Hmm, won't copy over ... as always there are links ... this is the one for the
STUDENT DOCTOR FORUM
