Humor Magazine

Long Awkward Pause Reviews Movies It Hasn’t Seen Yet

By Christopher De Voss @chrisdevoss

The new year is starting and budget is really tight here at Long Awkward Pause.

Basically we spent it all on the biggest, baddest, New Years Eve Party ever! (You may have seen it on the news.)

Originally we were going to introduce a new segment called:

Long Awkward Pause Reviews The Movies 

But then the accountants started to get their grubby fat little fingers into the cash box that’s tucked behind our publisher’s favorite Azalea pot, a spot she thinks no one knows about…yet everyone does.

After the suits did some calculating, they had some bad news for our new segment:

They calculated that there was about 28 or so movies right now relevant enough to review. Each movie ticket costs the office $6 with our discounted press pass. That’s roughly $168. Then there is the matter of popcorn, soda, nachos, and Twizzlers per movie. That’s almost…calculating soda coming in the small size…and no extra butter on the popcorn…approximately $3,673 in snacks.

The cash box had in it:

  • $2 in nickels
  • A button
  • An expired coupon for Steak and Shake
  • And a rubber band. (The thick one, like the kind used to wrap broccoli stems)


Now we are in a quandary because there is a hole in the schedule and everyone was counting on this segment as it was just the Holidays. (To be honest, no one really wants to work.)

So…even though we don’t have any money left to start the new year, we are still going to review some movies. Instead of actually going to see them, we are just going to guess what they might be like instead.

First up is the controversial Seth Rogen/James Franco movie: The Interview.


 This one is pretty easy. From what we understand it’s a comedy where Seth Rogan and James Franco go and try to assassinate North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un.

By now you should know the controversy over the release. Some hackers or ninjas or something threatened Sony and they were not going to release it. Then they did on YouTube, Google Play and a couple of “brave” theaters on Christmas.  As the movie poster says, it’s the same team that brought you the movie, ‘The End.’ We actually saw ‘The End’, and was very happy when it actually ended. It was a horrible movie. So we imagine The Interview will be another two hours of weed, dick jokes, and James Franco making James Franco face.


This is James Franco face.

Seth Rogan will be confused in some parts and really animated and loud in other parts. He will touch James Franco a lot.

We give this movie: Five out of five bathroom breaks*.

Next is: Unbroken


This movie is directed by Angelina Jolie and stars several of her children. We are not sure if this is the first time Mrs. Jolie has directed a movie as most actors list Producer and Director credits on IMDB under themselves anyway. Let’s just assume she has directed some of those late night adopt a child for just pennies a day infomercials.

We have seen the trailer and this seems to be the story about some runner who finds himself in a WWII bomber plan. He is played by some actor we don’t recognize, but has probably been in a number of artsy-fartsy independent movies. He flashes back to his boyhood where he gets beat up a lot. The plane crashes and they use the left over sets from the George Clooney movie; A Perfect Storm. While floating around in a raft he resembles Christian Bale when Christian Bale wants to look homeless. Next he winds up in some sort of Tokyo prison camp where everyone dresses in the same ugly tan clothes. He gets beat up a lot there too. He finally lifts some rail road tie over his head and is probably either freed, escapes, or is rescued. We don’t know. Just guessing. He may have died because the book that this movie follows is not written by the main character.

 We give this movie: 2 out of 5 bathroom breaks*.

Lastly: Into The Woods

into thewoods

Before you ask, that is not Carol Kane on the poster. It’s Meryl Streep. All we know of this movie is that it has Johnny Depp in it, but it’s not directed by Tim Burton. The lady across the hall from the Long Awkward Pause offices saw it, and all she said was there was a lot of singing in it. It’s by the same guy that did Sweeny Todd, so we would expect some weird fascination with razors and meat pie at some point. We predict that this film will win best makeup at the Academy Awards.

We give this movie: 3 out of 5 bathroom breaks*.

*This is the number of times you feel you can leave the movie and go to the bathroom without missing key plot points.



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