
Pre-Game: Michael Kay is wearing a god-awful blazer. It is either micro-suede, velour-like, or made of platypus skin. Sadly, it is a mystery that won’t be solved. The umpiring crew for tonight, in case anyone cares, is Dan Bellino (behind the plate), Brian Gorman, Larry Vanover, and Tony Randazzo. I think Tony “The Razz” Randazzo was a Sopranos character. Lineups!
Twins: 1. Denard Span, CF; 2.Tsuyoshi Nishioka, 2B (his name took me about 5 minutes to correctly type; we are calling him “Yoshi,” thanks); 3. Stud Muffin Mauer, C; 4. Justin Morneau, 1B; 5. Delmon Young, LF; 6. Jim Thome, DH; 7. Jason Kubel, RF; 8. Danny Valencia, 3B; Alexi Casilla, SS.
Yankees: 1. Cute but Prematurely Balding, LF; 2. The Baseball Jesus, SS; 3. Big White Bread McGee, 1B; 4. Whiny Bitch Diaz, 3B; 5. AL MVP, 2B; 6. Swishelicious, RF; 7. Hip Hip Posada, DH; 8. Teenage Mutant Ninja Granderson, CF (he looks like a turtle, I’m sorry); 9. Thurman Munson 2.0, C.



Top of the 2nd: Groundout by Morneau, followed by a fly ball from Delmon Young. And then Derek Jeter displays his terrible range, booting a slow groundball and taking away what would have been an easy out for Robinson Cano. Jim Thome, who is approximately 78-years-old, is on first with the E-6. Every time that I convince myself that everything is going to be just fine with DJ, he does something like that. Thankfully, Kubel flies out, rendering the error moot. 2-0 Yankees.

Top of the 3rd: Kim Jones is wearing a sexxxy black trench rain coat and talking about how she is BFF with CC Sabathia. She is informing us that Ivan Nova “ordered shirts, suits, and ties that CC helped him pick out,” which will be delivered on Thursday. Is she serious about this? Kim Jones, I like you. But this is awful. Nova walks Valencia, gets Casilla to fly out to right, and then gets Span to ground into a 6-4-3 double play. Nicely done, boys. 4-0 Yankees.
Bottom of the 3rd: Tex goes down swinging on a backdoor slider. He looked totally fooled, poor guy. ARod rocks another one, but gets just under it, flying out to deep center. Cano softly flies out to left. Well, that was ugly. 4-0 Yankees.

Bottom of the 4th: Swish hits a can of corn to right field. Yawn. Jorge hits an easy groundball to second. Double Yawn. Oh but then Granderson walks. Which is not all that exciting, but at least it isn’t an out that a replacement-level little leaguer could make. Michael Kay just shared that Russell Martin’s middle name is Coltron, which is “pretty cool” according to MK. As Grandy takes off for second, R.Mart executes a perfect hit-and-run, lining a ball into right field. Granderson takes third. And then a delayed steal by R.Mart! I am becoming a huge fan. Oh, but now Brett Gardner is up. I love Brett, don’t get me wrong. I do. But he is clearly slumping right now. Let’s see what he can do with second and third, two outs. Oh wow! Brett is robbed! He lined a ball into left field and Delmon Young flew out of no where to dive and make the play. What a catch!! Brett must be so frustrated, but hopefully that will get him going. 4-2 Yankees.

Bottom of the 5th: We need some runs, because Supernova has not been totally super and does not have much left. Our bazillion dollar bullpen will most likely be called upon sometime soon. DJ hits a deep shot to the right field corner, but it just slices fouls. He then gets lucky, because the first-base ump said he checked his swing, when he most definitely went around. Will he make the most of it? No. I really need to stop asking these leading rhetorical questions. He strikes out on the same exact pitch. Fugly. Tex launches a ball that is about three feet foul of the pole in right. But he gets the walk, only to have ARod ground into a sharp double play. Lame sauce. 4-3 Yankees.

Bottom of the 6th: Come on, Robbie, let’s get something going. And he does! Cano lines one into left, his first hit of the day. We needed that. Now we need runs. Wow. Very interesting. Sharp groundball hit to Morneau, looked like an easy double-play ball. But he bobbled it and only got the out at first. One out, Cano on second, Jorge up. I would not cry about another two-run homerun right now. But he grounds to short. Granderson, come on! A man in scoring position! Full count! Do this! Or don’t, whatever. Just ground out weakly. Baker has to be done at 94 pitches; he was lucky to get through that. It looks like a battle of the bullpens, and I will take the Yanks in that fight. 4-3 Yankees.

Top of the 8th: Rafael Soriano is in. He strikes out Denard Span. The “PC Richards & Son” strike-out whistle at Yankee Stadium is marketing at its worst. We should not totally sell out the game of baseball. The next thing we know there will be commercials as at-bat songs and Nascar-style patches covering pinstripes. Yoshi is up! Oh that little bastard. He hits a groundball to the pitcher, which knocks off the tip of Soriano’s glove. Tying run on first. Yessss! He gets Mauer to pop out to third and Morneau to strike out. A lot of pitches, but excellent results. The Sandman is waiting, Minnesota. 4-3 Yankees.



[Update: Congrats to Kemba, UConn, and the sleazy Jim Calhoun. Butler just couldn’t hit anything last night. But they had such an incredible and surprisingly season, and they made me a Bulldog fan for life. So Brad, if you need to be comforted or consoled after last night's disaster, please feel free to call or email. I am already counting down until next March – let’s go Devils!].