Contrary to what many scientists believe, there are only two varieties of spiders in the world:
1.) fugging nasty spiders
2.) fugging nasty spiders with fur
No need to get into genus and all that crap, because when you discover one perched on the ceiling monitoring your sleep status, you probably don’t give a hoot about what specific type of blood-sucking creature it is. The people who do care should probably have their carbon monoxide detector tested.
You may have a leak.
You don’t need to know anything about spiders except for how to destroy them.
Before proceeding, let’s check your spider reflexes:
Right now you should be wiping invisible spiders off of your leg. This is a healthy human reaction.
Let’s try one more test:
Right now you should be levitating above your chair, gagging, and wiping invisible spiders off of every square inch of you body.
If you passed both tests, congratulations. You have a healthy spider reflex.
Spiders are the sadistic psychopaths of the animal kingdom. They dazzle with intricate and beautifully crafted webs of all geometric shapes and sizes. That is until some unsuspecting flying tourist is violently wrapped into a cocoon of death, melted into a sticky sludge, and sucked into the stomach of one of these eight-legged demon freaks.
Finding one inside the house calls for an immediate plan of action:
1. The Discovery
Same reaction as walking into a public bathroom stall and discovering that the previous guest did not flush. It’s a mixture of horror, shock and disgust. The discoverer backs out of the area far enough to maintain visual contact and immediately calls for backup.
Witness #1: Eek! Save me!
Witness #2: What! What’s the matter! Is the house on fire?
Witness #1: There’s a spider in here!
Witness #2: Good. God. Well, looks like we won’t being using this room anymore. Lock the door and throw a towel under it while I grab the kerosene.
2. The Debate
Eradication is dependent upon the terms and conditions:
Witness #1: Kill it!
Witness #2: Hell no. You kill it.
Witness #1: I’m not going to bed until you kill it.
Witness #2: Fine. Don’t go to bed then.
Witness #1: I will divorce you if you don’t kill it.
Witness #2: Fine. Divorce me.
Witness #1: No sex for a month if you don’t kill it.
Witness #2: Ok, let’s not over-react here. Get me some toilet paper and a can of mace. I’ll wait here to make sure it doesn’t move.
3. The Hunt
The hunting procedure is like a scene from Predator. Sweat slowly drips down a concentrated brow. Silence. The breath slows. Vision becomes more acute.
Meanwhile, the spider is playing solitaire on the ceiling and wondering what all the commotion is about. It has no idea of its impending demise. It draws three and plays a Queen of spades. It shifts two of its eyes toward the man slowly moving closer. It draws three and plays a two of clubs.
The hunter holds a blow torch in one hand (just in case) and two rolls of wadded up toilet paper in the other hand. The hunted shifts slightly sensing danger. The hunter slowly inches toward the prey. The hunted quickly abandons its activity and little playing cards fly everywhere.
The hunter dives.
The hunted hits the ejector seat button.
The battlefield moves to the bed sheets.
4. The Retreat
This is the part where both parties retreat and draw up a revised battle plan. While the hunted is tunneling through cotton caverns, the hunters are jumping around brushing off their extremities as part of the cleansing ritual.
Witness #1: Where is it!
Witness #2: I think it hatched its babies all over me!
Witness #1: Stop, drop and roll! Stop, drop and roll!
5. The Capture
The hunter slowly inches toward the battle ground in a beekeeper suit and slowly peels back the layers of bed sheeting…
…and burns that mother to a crisp.
Go play cards somewhere else, you furry fugging bastard.
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