Destinations Magazine

Let’s Pizza — Coming to an Airport Near You

By Mendeleyeev

Growing up in a family of Dutch heritage, I can tell you that the only cuisine that comes even close to being as uninspiring is served up by the English. Let’s see, the Dutch have split pea & ham soup and…and…and, well that should get us started. The English of course have double the amount of dishes as the Dutch, yes TWO dishes of note.

Sit for a meal in an English pub and the menu will list fish and chips (right proper chips by jolly) and bangers and mash. I get the “mash” in mashed potatoes but knowing the English, I’m just too afraid to ask about the bangers. It is no wonder the sun never set on the English as those boys were out in search of something to eat!

A good friend who owns restaurants once shared the secret of international dining:

- The French prepare the pastries and desserts.
- The Greeks prepare the salads.
- The Arabs percolate the coffee.
- The Chinese make the rice and tea.
- Italians are in charge of the main courses.
- Russians provide the valet parking.
- The Germans run the business.
- The Dutch make the floral arrangements, and
- The English feed the pigeons.

 What about the Americans, you ask? Ah well, it’s almost 10 o’clock and McDonald’s is about to open.

pizza lets

So you can imagine my horror upon discovering that the new “Let’s Pizza” vending machines rolling out at Moscow airports were developed by the Dutch! That should make the Italian who invented the machine shrink into the shadows but apparently in Italy these days, getting a pizza out on time is more important that the pizza taste.

So far they haven’t tried to “Dutchify” the product but I’m just waiting for the company to announce something like a new “rusk” dough pizza.

The “Let’s Pizza” machine has not only craved a verb from the rib of a noun, but offers hungry customers four choices of toppings while the machine kneads the dough, rolls out the crust, adds cheese and toppings, bakes the pizza and serves it in a box. This is advertised as a 2.5 minute process from the time you insert your Euros to the time you’re ready to eat, according to the advertisement on the machine. Truth is however those Dutch may not be a punctual as we thought because 3.5 minutes was our experience.

The company just announced expansion plans to Atlanta in the USA. I’m not sure if they eat pizza in Atlanta–grits, red beans with rice, and a gagging reflex concoction termed “sweet tea” is high brow cuisine around Atlanta. Oh wait, I forgot okra. Those folk may not be ready for Italian, much less Italian in a box, but we’ll take a wait and see attitude until market tests have been completed. Stranger things have happened.

With a slogan as catchy as “not touched by human hands” I’m fighting the impulse to throw all the family retirement funds into the next “Let’s Pizza” market. Somehow I’ll find a way resist that urge even though upon tasting the pizza made by a machine in a box, well it wasn’t that bad.

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