Humor Magazine

In Which I Forecast, with My Usual Accuracy, the Future of the Universe

By Davidduff

Now, we've been over all this before, yes, I did make a couple of boo-boos in predicting the results of some totally unimportant American elections but that was only because I was concentrating on higher things, such as the future of the universe.  Happily, I can now inform you of the results of my sustained and concentrated cogitations - this is what the universe will look like in x-zillion years:


Particle interaction simulation (SPL)

Oooops, sorry, wrong picture, that, of course, is actually a picture of an electronvolt doing, er, whatever electronvolts do - and you already know all that so there is no need for me to explain (thank God!)  Right, back to the future of the universe.

On second thoughts, perhaps I had better own up and admit that it isn't actually my forecast.  I mean, I was nearly there with my theory but this terrific swot called Dr Joseph Lykken just beat me to it.  According to him:

A concept known as vacuum instability could result, billions of years from now, in a new universe opening up in the present one and replacing it. [My emphasis]

To be honest, I thought "vacuum instability" was a description of my efforts at hoovering the house under the influence of a couple of dry martinis! Anyway, the new theory all depends on this Higgs-thingie they tripped over in the corridor at CERN the other day.  The swots had been looking for it for ages and there it was rolling around on the floor just outside the gent's loo.  Dr. Lykken seized upon it and has been looking at it this way and that and finally come up with this theory that because of the Higgs particle the old universe will turn into a brand new universe, a bit like the old bits of 'shrapnel' I used to flog to the unwary would inevitably end up as 'Iggs particles themselves, via the good office of 'Arry 'Iggs: Scrap Metal Dealership, and then, following some recycling, they no doubt rolled off the production line at Dagenham once again.

To be honest (and when a second-hand car dealer, even a retired one, says that - check your wallet!) I was prepared to add my not undistinguished name in support of Dr. Lykken's theory - until I read some Dread Words in the BBC report:

"It turns out there's a calculation you can do in our Standard Model [my emphasis] of particle physics, once you know the mass of the Higgs boson," explained Dr Joseph Lykken.

Oh no, I thought, not those standard bloody models again!  Don't the swots at CERN know that the climate scientologists have utterly destroyed the whole concept of 'standard models'?  They built their entire farrago of global warming nonsense on the basis of 'standard models' and nobody with more than two brain cells - so that excuses the present government - believes anything they forecast.

Sorry, Dr. Lykken, only 'E' for Effort this time, must try harder - back to the lab, I fear!


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