I’m the low person on the totem pole on my team at the office, which means I’m routinely forced to share solo accomplishments with someone else, and I’m often the last to hear about issues that fall under the tiny umbrella of my job responsibilities. I’m no stranger to being entry level, so I have a good sense of humor about it, but on the days where I sift through passive aggressive emails or endure meetings filled with posturing and patronizing, I can’t help but envision how the office would run if I were someone with power. I don’t have any relevant experience or qualifications, which is exactly why I think I’d make a kickass boss. (Cue harp that signals the following is wishful thinking.)
Every Monday morning my employees and I would bring our cups of coffee (tea, water, gin, etc.) and our burdensome workweek denial and convene to discuss Sunday night television, because no one promptly starts work on Monday, anyway. I imagine everyone sharing their thoughts about how amazing Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey is and how surprised they are that Seth MacFarlane is one of the producers. I can see us all getting into good-natured squabbles about who should sit on the iron throne in Game of Thrones. I see a small group discussing Girls, questioning how many fruit-printed shirts Lena Dunham pulled for Hannah’s wardrobe.
At a place of prominence in the office there would be a large glass jar, and you would be required to deposit one dollar within it each time you mentioned any of the following, either verbally or via email:
- A case of the Mondays
- Working hard/hardly working
- The weather
- “How was your weekend?”
- “How’s it going?”
- “Circle back” (the only “_____ back” there is in my world/office is “SexyBack”)
- Wearing many hats (when meant metaphorically; literal conversations about many hats are welcome–my hat? It has three corners.)
- “At a high level” (when discussing the scope of something, not altitude)
- “Touching base” with someone (when referencing contacting someone; not using immature terminology to discuss your romantic life)
- Gwyneth Paltrow in any positive context (no explanation necessary)
This will be part of a larger office-wide imitative to stop small talk, foster interesting workplace conversations, and encourage people say exactly what they mean. Every month the proceeds of this jar will be emptied and put towards something deliciously full of carbs, like doughnuts or pizza.
I’d make time to meet with each of my employees individually as frequently as possible for something called a Fab Confab. In these meetings we’d talk about the employee’s job performance, his or her professional goals, and his or her deepest hopes and dreams. I envision these Fab Confabs taking place over parfait or hot fudge sundaes, because I think those desserts would most inspire honest conversation. My management style, needless to say, would revolve around food.
In the office there would be two Mental Health rooms that all employees would be welcome to visit as necessary (with no time limits until some abuses the privilege). I think providing a designated area in which people could let out their frustrations would free up a lot of bathroom stalls, which would simultaneously boost the morale of the pee shy employees! The Mental Health rooms would be soundproof, and within it there would be a punching bag, a huge Kleenex box (mental health also encompasses PMS), a stereo, a supply of stress balls, and a dry erase board upon which one could write filthy profanity (for those of you who just want to write mother fucker and sniff some marker fumes, I got you). Sometimes a person just needs to step away from his or her desk to sob, scream, punch, kick, twerk—whatever. We’re human beings. Let’s acknowledge or humanity with a room meant for letting out all those unprofessional emotions we keep bottled up all day (that subsequently turn into misdirected rage or alcoholism when we get home every night).
For birthdays, I would contact the aging employee a week ahead of time and ask that employee what a perfect birthday in the office would look like for them. If they want pistachio cupcakes, I’m getting pistachio fucking cupcakes. If they don’t want anyone to breathe a word of their birthday because they’re turning a difficult age they’re still in denial about, it’ll just be another day. Same goes for any other milestone or celebration. Not everyone wants a shout-out on the company intranet page, and not everyone wants shitty vanilla cake. If I were the boss, I would want my employees to have autonomy over their precious moments (that includes those creepy, overpriced figurines of the same name).
In at least one conference room there would be an oversized comfy chair, and taking a nap on it during your lunch hour wouldn’t be frowned upon. Speaking of lunch, I’d have a zero tolerance policy for employees working through their lunches, because there’s never any project a person needs to catch up on so badly that it’s more important than taking 30-60 minutes to relax, eat, and unwind.
Every Friday we’d have a group meeting to work on our team-building skills, but instead of untangling a human knot or doing trust falls, we’d act out scenes from movies:
Unlike most exercises like this, no one would be forced to participate. These meetings would conclude with an epic lip synching battle whose winner would receive a cool certificate created using Microsoft Word. If you’re wondering how I’ll earn the respect of my underlings (I’ll start by never calling them “underlings”), it’ll come from frequently kicking their asses in this competition. Few people can out lip-synch me.
To handle any shenanigans that may arise at the office, there would be the Don’t Be a Gadfly (DBAG) program. Every time you do something that’s remotely gadflyish, you get one strike. If you get three strikes in a month, you and I would need to have coaching moment about your gadflyish behavior. Some examples of that behavior include:
- Sending emails in an unnecessarily pretentious or rude tone
- Throwing people under the bus (when taken literally this counts for three strikes on its own)
- Coming in late all the time because you either have the sickliest dog/child in the history of the world, or you have an innate proclivity for getting in struck in traffic caused by impromptu parades only you have heard about/seen
- Telling farfetched lies that aren’t even passable in a work setting
- Not getting your shit done when you should have gotten it done, without an explanation about shit that could have gotten in the way of your original shit getting done
- Etc.
As with many other companies, my company’s success would be driven by our culture and key values. I generally find that most companies like to use their core values to give the appearance of empowering their employees, but in reality these “success programs” are actually hollow pyramid schemes, which typically entail little more than a boring seminar with corny objectives and heightened paranoia as a result. If I were running things, the office would simply follow the guidelines outlined in my program, “How to Succeed Professionally Without Alienating Everyone Around You.” These guidelines are provided in snazzy pyramid form below:
The dress code at the office would be I’m Going to Run Errands As Soon as I’m Finished Surfing BuzzFeed casual. For women, that does include a bra. Clothing with holes, stains, profanity or any other explicit content, or outfits that are too revealing (which I define as, anything more than a hint of cleavage/chest hair or the inability to bend down without exposing your business) would be prohibited–as would skorts and socks with sandals (I just hate them). Show up to the office wearing any of the above, and you’ll be forced to wear an oversized shirt that looks like this:
Every month there’d a be a theme day, like Support Your Favorite Sports Team day, College Hoodie day, or for the ladies of the office, Failed Attempt at a YouTube Hair/Makeup Tutorial day. The following supplies would always be stocked in the kitchen: Nutella, grapes, ginger ale, broccoli, cheesecake, and M&Ms.
Everyone’s salary would be compiled in a database to which every employee would have access. I think knowing the salary of your peers is not only a good source of motivation, but it gives you a more legitimate reason to hate someone, besides their bad haircut or smug meeting behavior. Let’s be honest: the one thing everyone employee wonders at least once a week at work is, “I wonder how much _____ gets paid…” At my company, you’d finally have some context for that dead-end daydream.
If I were the boss, I’d make every effort to be candid, fair, encouraging, and understanding. Two of my secret powers as a human being are figuring people out and becoming that person everyone wants to tell their all their super personal problems to (seriously, I’ve heard about everything from potential breast augmentations to conception troubles), so why wouldn’t I have a predisposition for leadership? I’d aspire to be a combination of Jim Halpert and April Ludgate.
I may never be on Undercover Boss, but a peon like me can dream, right?
Do you ever dream about how you’d run a company or the kind of boss you’d be? What does your ideal work environment look like?