Yes, I am the mother of two small boys, so I expect a certain amount of, um…spray. That’s fine. I can deal with spray. But what I have been finding lately is NOT SPRAY, unless the new meaning of “spray” is “puddles.”
It’s smelly. It’s gross to look at. And it’s NOT OK.
At first, I tried talking to my boys about the problem. I figured it would be like those conversations you read about in parenting books: They would willingly take responsibility for their actions and together we’d create a fun plan to avoid future problems. Heck, we might even make a sticker chart! Right. Here’s how the conversation went:
Me: Guys, someone is peeing on the floor and walls around the toilet.
5-year-old:(shrugging exaggeratedly) It’s not me!
3-year-old: (eyes wide with “innocence”) It’s not me!
Me: Well, who is it then???
(Both look pensive)
5-year-old: Guess it must be Daddy!
3-year-old: Yeah, Daddy!!
And off they ran to do whatever it is they do when they’re not peeing on the floor and walls around the toilet.
My husband, of course, was shocked and horrified by this. And I, of course, mostly believed him when he swore that he was not responsible.
But, here’s the thing.
It’s PROBABLY NOT him.
It PROBABLY IS the boys.
But—and I know this to be true—it’s DEFINITELY NOT me.
And so I have decided to abdicate my position of head-cleaner-of-pee-on-the-floor-and-walls-around-the-toilet. And since my husband has until now been the vice-cleaner-of-pee-on-the-floor-and-walls-around-the-toilet, that leaves him in charge.
My husband tried to argue that I really couldn’t with 100% certainty claim that I had never peed on the floor next to or behind the toilet.
“Oh, yeah?” I responded. “I guess you’re right. I guess maybe if I did this….”
And I proceeded to pretend to pee, standing up and facing an imaginary toilet while aiming for the walls and floor.
Now I’m a woman, with regular working lady parts, so you can just imagine the bending, thrusting, and gyrating that this little show involved—even while fully clothed.
My husband cringed, and maybe even heaved a little, and told me that was by far the least sexy thing he has ever seen me do. (I think he has blocked out the unmedicated childbirth that he witnessed just 8 months ago, lucky bastard.) But I was willing to take the hit on my MILF status, because he eventually had to agree that I was not the pee-pee perpetrator.
So…I’m out. Starting tomorrow, my boys are on notice that THEY will be responsible for cleaning the floor and walls around the toilet.
And I’m willing to bet that everyone’s aim will miraculously improve soon after.
