Dating Magazine

I’m Getting Married, Let’s Talk Shit

By Aussalorens

I’m Getting Married, Let’s Talk ShitI'm getting married later this week so I feel like now is a good opportunity to reflect on all the shitty guys I've been involved with in the past. I say it's important to relish in the darkness of past disasters lest we forget all the swamps of shite that must be traversed before "Happily Ever After." You hear me? This is inspiring! Or something.

The Man Child: I really thought he was "the one" for like 48 hours. But then I realized he just needed me to be some sexy version of his mother while doing his laundry and throwing away the 900 cans of Sprite he drank in a day. Also, the drugs.

The Middle Aged Stalker: Every girl needs to experience at least one romantic episode where she dates a guy who is legit TWICE her age. Maybe don't go so far as to let him become a stalker who you have to get a restraining order against because he sends your naked photos around. But if you do find yourself in this situation, just know you have a plan for revenge and that Karma is ALWAYS on your side.

We won't go into the other guy just yet, but he's featured quite heavily on this handy dandy list of ways to tell if your boyfriend is cheating on you! Summary: No, his sister did NOT leave her thong tangled in his bedsheets.

I’m Getting Married, Let’s Talk Shit

Now that you've watched the Alex +Aussa (#AuSex) Fairytale unfold, you can consider me a legit expert on romance. This is exactly why I met up with a long lost love I'd never gotten over and promptly discovered he was a douche, before getting wasted and accusing him of being a compulsive liar.

If you can emulate this sort of classy behavior, you too can deal with the unwavering affection of the following winners:

  1. My coworker who insisted we needed to have a baby together since we're both redheads.
  2. The neighbor guy who wouldn't stop knocking at my door until he found someone else to obsess over before almost getting admitted to the psych hospital where I work.
  3. The sweaty chap at JCPenney's who wanted to rip pantyhose off of me and pantomimed exactly how he'd do it.
I’m Getting Married, Let’s Talk Shit

On the eve of my nuptials, I want you to take away these valuable lessons because I am obviously an expert at life:

Things are only shitty until they just aren't anymore

It's possible for happiness to sneak up on you. And when you're in the thick of a crisis or the depths of depression, you have to remember there is always another side to it. Life will bring you shit but eventually it's going to be flushed away.

We actually do get to make decisions that change our lives

Sometimes we're a victim of the shittiest things that life can hand or do to us. And often there is nothing we could have done to avoid it and we didn't do anything to deserve it. BUT we do get to decide how we react. This is the most underrated power that most all of us possess: You get to make decisions every day. You CAN decide to change things. You're actually in control over a fair amount of your life and at the very least you're the only person who has any say in how you perceive your own existence.

Sometimes life is kind to us despite our inability to make good choices

I'm fully committed to being stupid and reckless and have a very impressive track record of jumping without looking, walking into burning buildings, and choosing self-destruction. Thankfully we don't always reap what we sow, and there is more than enough goodness to go around.

I’m Getting Married, Let’s Talk Shit

I want to thank all of you for journeying along through all these horrifying and laughable tales and for your many congrats for me and Alex. The wedding is on Saturday and then we'll be in Costa Rica for about a week. I'm probably going to be THAT BRIDE who totally instagrams palm trees while she should be on her honeymoon and then tweets about getting drunk on free drinks, so be sure to keep up on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram.

Alex DOES read this blog but still... I have to wonder if he has any clue what he's gotten himself into? This should be fun.

Any parting advice before I make my way down the aisle? It's not too late.

You Might Also Like :

Back to Featured Articles on Logo Paperblog

These articles might interest you :

  • Movies of Recent Vintage Happening This Week

    Movies Recent Vintage Happening This Week

    Trivia will be happening this Tuesday night, August 21st at 8:30 PM, with "2010s Movie Trivia" as the Special Category. It will be seven questions about movies... Read more

    The 20 August 2018 by   Theomnipotentq
  • How a Keto Diet Could Ease Chronic Pain

    Chronic pains such as fibromyalgia, migraines or arthritis is a very common problem. Could a keto diet help ease these symptoms? Dr. Andreas Eenfeldt sits down... Read more

    The 20 August 2018 by   Dietdoctor
  • Video of the Week: Three Versions of Tree Pose

    Video Week: Three Versions Tree Pose

    In this video, Baxter demonstrates three versions of Tree pose, one of the few original standing yoga poses (according to author Richard Rosen) and a... Read more

    The 20 August 2018 by   Ninazolotow
  • Grumman F7F-3 Tigercat

    Grumman F7F-3 Tigercat

    @ Chino, CA May 2018 Arguably one of the most graceful piston-engined aircraft ever designed, this Tigercat makes a photo pass down the runway during the... Read more

    The 20 August 2018 by   Htam
  • ‘Arrow’ Season 7 Promises To Be Grittier and Push Boundaries

    ‘Arrow’ Season Promises Grittier Push Boundaries

    Get ready for Arrow to go back to its roots in season 7 Arrow has all the dark elements of a Netflix show, but being a series on The CW network, it’s limited... Read more

    The 20 August 2018 by   Entertainmentjolt
  • Ground Beef and Tomato Bake with Cauliflower Topping

    Pascale Naessens' low-carb take on the classic Irish shepherd's pie, where cauliflower replaces the traditional mashed potato topping. A multi-layered... Read more

    The 20 August 2018 by   Dietdoctor
  • 7 Employee Practices That Will Make You A ‘Superboss’

    Employee Practices That Will Make ‘Superboss’

    Every business executive and entrepreneur I know believes they are good or even great leaders, but as an advisor I often hear a different story from their team. Read more

    The 20 August 2018 by   Martin Zwilling