help me make the most of freedom and of pleasure, nothing ever lasts forever
Sometimes I watch myself, as I lose control, and things slip through my fingers. Sometimes I say things I do not mean, as if I am reading them from a hidden script inside my jealous heart. Am I programmed to hurt people? To throw my own children from the walls? I give everything, until I have nothing left except a reason to leave.
I sing while I am suffering, and it feels better than happiness. It goes deeper inside me, and further out into the world, than any joy could ever reach. I feel parts of me come apart in the song. I break into pieces; tiny shards of consciousness and experience, transparent, like a diamond. If we didn’t break we would never see what was on the inside.
But he needs me to be whole. And I cannot lose him.
