Slow Down and Savor - a food blog
I’m going in a bit of a different direction today, you guys. Please bear with me. I’ve been working something that’s deeply personal to me, and reflects where I am right now in my life. I figured I would share it here on Slow Down and Savor, because I think it would be kind of interesting to see what it’s like to really be vulnerable, and to let down my walls. Here’s a chance for you as readers to get to know me, the writer, a little bit more, and on a very intimate level. I would love to hear from you guys, but please, be gentle, as this is my heart I’m putting out here. Anyway, here goes!
When I got married, I went from being Katie Lewis, to Katie Ogletree. The change wasn’t just in the name. It was in my whole being and my whole identity. I knew who I was as Katie Lewis, and I held that close for 28 years. But when I got married, I experienced something completely new and different. When I got married to the love of my life, I became the happiest I’d ever been, and for the most surprising reasons.
When I was a young girl, I had a very specific idea of what love and marriage were, and what getting married would mean to me. Let me give you a quick rundown.
Girl meets boy. Boy and girl fall in love. Boy asks girl to marry him on bended knee. Girl and boy get married, move into a shiny new home, explore the world, spend time together, get to know each other on a new level, plan on having babies, make those babies, and live happily ever after. As you can tell, my thinking may be a bit linear, and yes, perhaps a tad unrealistic.
As you can imagine, my little-girl fantasy didn’t translate well to real life. I did meet that special man and we fell in love, but I also met another boy, a much younger boy, and I fell in love with him too. Gasp!
Falling in love with a man who has a child was never part of the equation. Taking it a step further and falling in love with a man who has primary custody of a child just never even entered the spectrum of possibility. It’s not that I never wanted to be a step-mom; it’s just that I never even imagined that being a full-time stepmom was a possibility. Ever.
So when my then-boyfriend asked me if I would be his wife, I burst into tears, and said yes over and over. I wasn’t just saying yes to a lifetime with him, though. I was also saying yes to, as well as accepting the role as being a mom to a precious 5-year-old boy.
We didn’t waste any time on our engagement, that’s for sure. A mere four months since he put a ring on it, I was stepping into my Monique Lhuillier gown, ready to walk down the aisle to say, “I do.”
It wasn’t until later, after the amazing party, the phenomenal food and simply put, the best night of my entire life, that I realized something very important. While we were caught up in the whirlwind of planning each and every detail for our big day, I didn’t stop to think about what to expect with the huge transition I was about to make.
I went from being an essentially single gal, to being a married woman with a 5-year-old son. Overnight. Like I said before, I wasn’t just changing my name and my address; I was changing my identity as a woman. I was now responsible for the life and happiness of a child.
After coming home from our weeklong Puerto Rican honeymoon paradise, I moved my whole life into my husband’s and stepson’s home. Waking up and packing lunches, varying between “meat sandwiches” with ketchup, because that’s what he likes, and peanut butter and jelly with a side of pickles and fruit snacks soon became the norm. Taking him to school and picking him up afterwards entered itself into my daily routine, and carlines became somewhat of a peaceful escape where I could read a book and contemplate life. And take selfies. I take a lot of selfies in the car line. I don’t know why.
Wednesday library trips, sports practices and church activities are important parts of our week, and hitting the park after school with a ball and bat has quickly become one of our favorite things to do.
My heart grew and grew and grew until I didn’t think it could grow any more, and my role as “mom” to this beautiful boy was becoming easier and easier, as if it was just part of me the whole time, and I didn’t know it.
My husband and I also have the kiddo for most weekends, so planning fun things and getting out on the town has been exciting. Between adventuring into Austin to try new restaurants, going to movies and simply just enjoying being together as a family, I have found that my role as “mom” has become solidified, and this new identity of mine makes me proud. I am proud to be the wife of my husband, and the mom to my son.
But, to be truthful, being a full time stepmom isn’t all rainbows and unicorn-cats. Being a full-time stepmom is a very difficult position to be in, especially when it comes to the emotional side of things. There are times where I want to go lock myself in my closet and bury myself in my clothes and cry and scream. Wait. I have done that. At least 9 times.
Imagine, if you will, doing all the things you do for your child physically: Making lunches, picking him up, dropping him off, driving him everywhere, attending school parties and functions, participating in afterschool activities and sports teams, and even being the team mom.
Imagine doing all of the things you do for your child emotionally: Being there when he has a scary dream, laughing with him over some silly joke that you don’t quite get but he thinks it’s the best so you laugh with him. When he cries, you wipe his tears and hold him until he starts laughing again. When he throws a fit or acts up, you put him in time out, and explain punishments. When he does wrong, he comes to you to apologize followed by a heartfelt expression of his love.
He tells you over and over every day how much he loves you and gives you hugs and kisses because in his words, “You’re the best mom ever.”
You’re floating on cloud nine and doing the happy dance, because what could be better than hearing that you’re the best mom ever from your little one? But then he corrects himself. “I mean stepmom.”
Then you fall down, flying through the air off cloud nine and slam into the ground. Deflated, you smile and give him a hug and say “Thank you. You’re the best son ever.” He smiles, gives you a kiss and runs back to whatever it was he was doing.
This first emotional roller coaster comes in the form of a name, and the child not knowing if it’s OK to call you mom. I mean, we don’t know how this works. We’ve never been in this position before. We’re feeling our way through this dark name forest, and it’s hard.
The ride continues in the form of other moms thinking that because you didn’t carry this child in your womb for 9 months, you can’t possibly understand what it’s like to be a mother. I mean, how could you? Well, let me explain how I can!
The roller coaster can also take form of his biological mother calling to cancel yet another weekend with the little man, or bringing him home early for whatever reason she decides to give, removing the possibility of having that coveted rare opportunity to actually spend time one-on-one with your husband that you so selfishly think you deserve as a newlywed.
The roller coasters keep coming. Sometimes they come in the guise of feeling let down for not getting that time with your husband that you so crave, because you ARE a mom to a 5-year-old. It comes because you were thrown into a role that you love and hold so tight, but you still get battered and bruised by the waves of uncertainty, frustration, hurt, confusion, and yes, that all-encompassing love.
I’m constantly struggling with my role and I know I’m not alone. I know that yes, I am in a unique situation, but I know I’m not the only one who has assumed the role of becoming an overnight mom. I know I’m not the only one feeling the blows from the roller coasters of emotional confusion. I know there are other women out there who have no one to talk to and no one who knows quite what it’s like to be in this new role, with this new, beautiful identity.
In the past year, I have learned a thing or two that has helped me to roll with the punches and bask in the glory that is the role of being a (step) mom.
I’ve learned to give everything to God. Taking selfish control of situations is a bad idea. Whether it’s dealing with the biological mom and her unreliability, or soaring with joy from another laugh-fest with the precious boy, when I try to get everything under control, things don’t work. Why? Because I’m not God. God is God, and He gave me this role and this identity for a reason. Asking Him for help, guidance, strength and perseverance is the only way I can be the best mom that I can be.
Joshua 1:9 says, “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.” Whew. I sure am glad He said that…
I have also learned that not everything is going to be perfect, or the way that we planned. That’s life. And it’s OK! I have had to go through several frustrating weekends where I would actually run into my closet or bathroom, shut the door, turn the lights out, and cry because of cancelations and plan changes before I learned this important lesson. It was incredibly difficult for me to let go of what I wanted to do when it came to having that precious one-on-one time with my husband that I so need.
While I still may have to do a lot of deep breathing when our plans change due to outside circumstances, I don’t run away. I don’t hide. I don’t cry… much. I have learned to go with the flow, put a smile on, and count it as a blessing, because that means we get that much more prized and treasured time as a family, and more and more, being a family has become everything to me. Yes, I still require that one on one time with the man of my dreams, but looking at it in a different way, in the “I get to enjoy a lot of time with the two men who have made my dreams come true” way has changed my whole perspective and outlook for the better.
I’m constantly learning new things about being a (step) mom, and I’m constantly growing and discovering who I am in this role and this identity. The rewards are many, and I love every single joyful, sad, frustrating, happy, encouraging and disappointing moment that it brings. Though he is not my blood, my son is my family. This is my life, and I love it.
