Are you a woman who isn't content? That's a real problem, because everyone is relying on you to be your best, even-tempered version of yourself at all times. You may sometimes be tempted to give into your emotions and express your feelings - anger, sadness, insecurity - but as a woman, you don't want to feel things too often. Feeling feelings is habit-forming and might become an obstacle at work and at home, so before giving in to you baser human instincts to express yourself, try these methods:
Sadness
Whatever happens, don't cry, especially if your cry face is unattractive. Unless you've sat for a sculptor creating a statue of a woman in mourning to be placed outside of a mausoleum, spare the world your tears. What are you really looking to gain by crying, anyway? A hug? A healthy release of some pent-up frustrations? Bury the urge to cry deep down inside of you, deeper than you buried that corduroy vest in your closet. If you insist on squeezing some tears out, collect them drop by drop in a mason jar and use them to create a watercolor still life painting of a bowl of fruit so at least some good will come of your blubbering.
Insecurity or Body Shame
If you're not feeling good about your body, drop a pinch of salt into your left pocket and head deep into the woods. When you find an open area, clasp your hands behind your back and recite the incantation "Vanitus Maxmilius" three times. A cloaked sorcerer will appear before you. Ask him to create an enchanted mirror for you, because honey, no one wants to hear about how you have weird knees or your hair is too thin or you don't like how your hips look in a pencil skirt. When you share your insecurities with other people, it makes them feel bad, worse than you feel when you look at your pores. If for some reason you're unable to let your self-doubt fester inside you, a magic mirror is the way to go.
Relationship Trouble
The next time you're having relationship troubles, whisper all of your deepest complaints, fears, and aspirations into a conch shell. Sail out to sea and throw the shell as hard as you can. As the maritime manifestation of your drama sinks to the ocean's floor, revel in the satisfaction that no one will ever know how clingy, needy, or crazy you are.
Frustration or Anxiety
The next time you're frustrated or anxious, what you need more than anything else is a loyal pal to interrupt and remind you that you're making a big deal about nothing. Set aside some time to chat with this person, and as you articulate what you thought were justified feelings, really listen carefully when they inform you that you're being silly. Accept that, whatever it is, it's "all in your head" and feel all your stress melt away as you embrace that your interpretation of the experience was completely erroneous. Gather some clay, go to your pottery wheel, and make a nice bowl.
Anger
Before getting angry, check the calendar to see if your period is coming. Anger is generally reserved for men, but you might be able to get a seat at anger's bar if you can prove your feelings are related to PMS or hormones. If it's not that time of the month, are you hungry? Are you sure a cookie wouldn't make this better? No? Okay, well, just don't burden anyone with your anger. You want your anger to be convenient for everyone, like one of those shoe organizers you can slide under the bed. Have you tried knitting, baking, or cleaning? Those are approved methods of female anger reduction.
Happiness
Disappointment
Did someone let you down? Did you get some bad news? These things happen. All you need to do is go to the craft store and buy a few dozen miniature glass bottles. When you get home, build yourself a nice set of floor-to-ceiling shelves. Every time you're disappointed about something, scribble it down on a piece of paper of put it into one of the bottles, seal it forever, and add it to your wall of disappointments. Your expectations really make people squirm, and no one likes seeing you upset, but luckily these inanimate objects will be there for you in your time of need.
Miscellaneous
Whether you're overwhelmed, hurt, annoyed, or confused, instead of attempting to puzzle thorough why you feel the way you do with your delicate lady brain, confide in someone else better suited to fix your problems. Before you protest, remember that everyone is an expert on your feelings except you. Just tell someone else what's going on - preferably someone very far removed from the situation who doesn't have any first-hand knowledge of what you're going through - and see what they have to say about it. In fact, go outside right now and wait around until a stranger walking a pug comes along and get their insight.
Katie Hoffman is a writer living in the suburbs of Chicago. She enjoys leftovers, lunges, and laughs.
