Dating Magazine

Dildo Theory & Other Mysteries

By Aussalorens

Dildo Theory & Other MysteriesI'm done trying to figure out what's going on.With anything.With everything!It all seems so subjective. I'm going to go with the flow and let the chips fall where they may.I don't think I can trust myself anymore-my perception is all askew. I dropped a French fry a few minutes ago.It was covered in special sauce and it plopped onto the armrest of the chair I was sitting in, splattering special bits all over the place.I immediately thought "oh my God, this is how the rest of my day is going to go, nothing is going to work out."Then I was like "wait, it could have landed on this dress and then I would have to actually launder my clothes after wearing them.This is a miracle.I can do anything today."

I have to stop.Because it doesn't mean anything.Nothing means anything.Nothing.I think I just became a nihilist with terrible grammar.Know what else doesn't mean anything?My handwriting.

Dildo Theory & Other Mysteries

A few weeks ago I was brushing my teeth when I was suddenly hit by a wave of inspiration.I rushed to my notebook and-with a mouthful of burning froth-scrawled my epiphany onto the page.My brain was orgasming in blissful rapture-I just can't remember why.I'd either come up with the point of my existence, the theme of my book, or a strategy to catapult me into mega stardom. The next day I pulled the note out, ready for enlightenment, and realized I couldn't read my own handwriting.As with all my personal problems, Itook it to Facebook and Twitter and asked for you guys' help. I'm pretty sure none of these guesses are right but I kind of wish they were:

"Diazepam? Good stuff.I understand why you'd write about it." (Love Morning Wood)

"Dandelions.Maybe you were craving homemade wine."

"Dead things... normally the honeymoon phase lasts a bit longer, but you know-whatever." (Jenni Chiu)

"Dastardly-someone is planning mischief." (Jana Kendall)

"That's not an English word, it's an ancient forgotten language... you're a wizard."

"It says something about Dysentery.Do you have dysentery? Drink fluids." (Beth Teliho)

Everyone asked for context but I shied away from that because it made me feel vulnerable.It looks like the words right before are "As a woman" and after is "revolutionize."What if it was something like "As a woman my dildo theory will revolutionize the world" or "As a woman it is dastardly to revolutionize?"

Reading over these suggestions, I feel like I don't even need to remember my original thought. I'm struck by a new inspiration.Don't doubt me, just because I have daddy issues.It's not as dastardly as diphtheria or dysentery and I've already faced all sorts of dead things.Life's not all dandelions, you know?You can't hide behind diazepam like a death eater, screeching "death them!" Trust me, I'm a wizard and true practitioner of Dildo Theory.

When do your most genius ideas tend to come to you?Can you read my handwriting?What's YOUR dildo theory?

This month's book giveaway is The%20Girl%20on%20the%20Train">The%20Girl%20on%20the%20Train">The%20Girl%20on%20the%20Train">The%20Girl%20on%20the%20Train">"The Girl On The Train" which you guys have probably already read but I'm still listening to the audiobook and HOLY SHITE. You need this if you don't already have it. Sign up to get full posts in your inbox and a chance to win this darkly fascinating bundle of words.


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