I think I’ll just hide back here behind you until whatever is happening stops happening. Srsly…
Just saying that if either of you try to leave me, I’ll snap both your necks like this. We good now?
Don’t cry, Peanut. Lemme tell you a little story about the International Year Of Nia. That one always cheers me up.
Them Haters already tryna take back my new ALDC jacket. Help me, Obi-Wan. They’re all nuts.
So clearly, nobody bothered to read my sweatshirt before you decided to get all up in my grill.
I promise you this, sweetie. If we’re both still alive in 5 years, I’ll take you out for a real drink.
I know that I haven’t slept for 72 hours, so you might wanna get that hand outta my face, asap.
You know what they say.
What happens in Pittsburgh doesn’t stay in Pittsburgh.
Because they totally say that, right? It never stays there.
It usually just ends up moving to Los Angeles and eventually taking a road trip to Vegas.
Which totally happened on Dance Moms.
Vegas, Baby.
That’s right. The ALDC was headed to Sin City for another Sheer Talent Competition this week and the odds were stacked in favor of some major Mama Drama before they even got any of their luggage on the bus.
And it started the second the credits finished rolling, with another one of those Random Moments of Chaos that the show likes to open with lately.
The gold Charleston costume was missing.
I swear. The gold one. And it was missing.
Sucked into the black hole known as The Back Storage Room.
And whoever was helping Abby Lee Miller dig through that mountain of plastic Target dump bins and Hefty Cinch Saks couldn’t find it to save her Life. Or her job.
We also learned that Abby had spent the last 2 hours looking for a bolt of material that she specifically requested be pulled the night before by who I can only assume would be one of the random Boy Toy guys who are always walking around in the back of every shot carrying their lunch and a clipboard.
Side note: I’m not really sure why those two fabric swatches match the map of Africa, or why there’s even a map of Africa on the back wall of a Los Angeles, CA dance studio store room/dorm room in the first place. Or why it has to be so massive.
But there is. And they do.
And I just bought a pair of suede shoes at Nordstrom that are the same color as Ethiopia, which is a rugged, landlocked country located in the Horn of Africa, split by the Great Rift Valley and known for its archaeological finds dating back more than 3 million years.
As Abby dug through a few more bins and Ashlee sat all by herself out on the empty MomBleachers with no friends (…she said it, not me…) we hitched a ride in Melissa‘s Uber to test out her newly installed CarCam.
Because she got one.
Check it out. It’s like that taxi cab show where you try to win money.
1. Maddie was starting to question whether she actually wanted to stay at the ALDC until retirement. Hollywood is calling, yo.
2. Mackenzie was stuck all the way in the back and didn’t even have one of those iPads that you can velcro to the back of a headrest and watch Frozen.
3. Melissa ran a red light.
Regardless, once Melissa got the cops off her tail and made it to the studio, Abby attempted to start the Pyramid of Shame. With ‘attempted’ being the key word.
I don’t know. It all happened so fast I had to rewind a few times.
Abby congratulated Brynn on finally becoming a legit member of the ALDC team. JoJo hugged her. Because she’s a hugger. And things seemed to be going ok so far.
Until Ashlee opened her mouth and asked how Abby really felt about Moms who didn’t agree with last week’s results and who–
Boom. Melissa cut her off at the knees. All you want is drama. Let’s just do Pyramid.
Ashlee raised her hand and her voice, which is never a good thing.
Duh. I know what you think. I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to Abby.
Oh snap.
#HollyFace Number One: OhLawdHereWeGoAgain.
Ashlee said my MomCrush Jill was just jealous that Brynn was having a better season than Kendall. Yeah, she said that.
And it’s true, she said. Because it was all over #SocialMedia.
Social media? Really? Have we learned nothing in 5 seasons?
Kendall cried. Which made JoJo hug her (…because she’s a hugger, remember…) and made Jill lose her nutty. Don’t listen to her, honey. That’s a lie.
She’s a Fool! She’s a Fool!
Don’t talk to my kid. Don’t look at my kid. All you do is tear down kids.
You tear down kids every day, Jill. No I don’t. You tear down kids every day, Ashlee. No I don’t. Yes, you do. No I don’t. Yes, you do.
KK yelled at Ashlee.
At first she politely said “No, I’m sorry. She doesn’t do that…” when Ashlee accused Jill of trash talking Brynn all the time. But when Ashlee got back in her face, KK lost her noodle and screamed “Why are you so mean?!?!” before taking off out the door, followed by Jill, who was all like…
The Kids are becoming like their Mothers.
Or at least that’s what Holly said. And Holly’s always right. And this time the whole scene was so horrifying that Holly made every emoji face in the entire IOS 9 update.
I love Holly too much. Smiley Face emojis with hearts for eyes x Infinity.
Next thing you know, everyone was pouring out into the lobby and crying and hiding and getting subtitled behind the door of whatever this bathroom-looking thing is…
Brynn cried. And then cried some more.
And then somebody else cried but I only heard them and never saw who it was.
Thankfully, The Artist Formerly Known As Just Nia came to Brynn’s rescue like some kind of slo-mo #SLAYwatch lifeguard (…just like her Mama taught her, BTW…) and scurried the poor thing out of the line of fire and into her mother’s waiting arms.
Crazy. Pants.
Side note: Is it just me or…? I swear they’re using the same background music they used on the soundtrack for that new Dawn Of Justice movie. Am I right?
Look at Jill going after Ashlee when she made Kendall cry.
Dang. Mrs. Vertes don’t play.
#HollyFace Number 746:
Once the dust settled and I realized that it had only been NINE minutes since the show started…yes, you heard me…it was clear that the Pyramid was not gonna happen this week unless we were talking a 4 hour episode.
That’s right. This recap is already half over and there hasn’t even been a commercial break yet. Clearly, Imma need to trim back on some of the last 50 minutes of this thing.
Using the same psychic skills which allowed her to know how soon that yellow light was going to turn red, Melissa correctly predicted that MackZ, Brynn and Kalani would be performing solos at the competition if anyone actually got any dancing done this week.
Brynn would portray Princess Leia from Star Wars. Kalani was going to wear Big Girl heels in a Fred Astaire Musical Theater routine.
And Mackadoodle would be channeling Jennifer Lopez, which made me very happy since Jenny From The Block never wore pigtails.
Melissa made a lot of these faces this week. Something’s up.
Look at Holly during all this post-drama drama.
The group routine was going to be a tribute to David Bowie, complete with (…Spoiler Alert!…) this lightening bolt thing on their faces and big, over-sized blazers like you used to see on MTV when it was actually MTV.
The next day, Abby took Maddie out for some Girl Talk and a non-alcoholic beverage at the same Sal’s Restaurant they went to FIVE years ago when they were just visiting LA.
Flashback Alert: Pocket Maddie was back!
Where did the time go?
Season One Abby even made a special guest appearance, which was worth the cover charge and two drink minimum all by itself. Where did the weight go?
Please tell me that’s not Melissa working the front desk in a beach cover-up.
With one day to go before Sheer Talent, Brynn had skipped school because she wasn’t feeling well, but had made it to rehearsals in the afternoon. So you know how well that was received by the other Moms.
What have we become?
Short Version: Jill and Kendall returned. Kendall was wearing a snarky shirt that I enjoyed immensely and which didn’t go unnoticed by Twitter. Jill cried in her interview whatchamacallit because of everything that Kendall has gone through lately. And then the ALDC team actually put some ‘Dance’ back into the ALDC and got some rehearsing done.
Finally, it was Showtime!
And time for Michelle Obama to arrive at the venue.
I know, right? She even has a Secret Service guy in sunglasses working the Sheer Talent detail just in case some 6 year old girl tries to bring down the First Lady with a piece of poster board covered in glitter glue.
And look at the dude behind her in the black tank top.
Somebody’s doing West Side Story today.
And Holly. And the other Moms, of course. #LIFE. And some more emojis.
As part of her research, Brynn finally watched a couple of Star Wars movies since she wasn’t even born when they first came out. In 1977. Before electricity.
TMZ Update: Melissa still won’t say what the dealio is after this season.
Mackenzie’s solo was much more grown-up than her usual handstand-in-a-circle thing she usually busts out on stage. I think this is the Year Of The Growth Spurt.
Kalani was straight up Broadway Baby.
I see a potential Rachelle ‘Sas’ Rak 2.0 in the making.
I bet Rachelle even subliminally planted something in the brain of every one of those kids back on Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition that’s going to eventually turn them all into SasRobots unless someone says the Safe Word.
I saved a Smiley Face Heart Eyeball emoji for Rachelle, too. XO
Brynn was nervous, but she nailed her routine…
…even landing on the ground like this a couple times.
JoJo was so excited she even tooted a little.
Gross. But they’re kids, I guess.
The group dance did David Bowie proud.
It was all technicolor and music video-y and made me want to immediately bring back shoulder pads as a must-have fashion accessory.
A different West Side Story kid took 3rd Place in the teeny tot solo division, which left room for Mackenzie’s 2nd Place and Brynn’s top spot First Place. Yaaaaaas, girls! Yaaaaaas!
Side note: What’s this kid looking at?
Yeah, that’s the lady in the beach cover-up.
Now mind your own business. We’re trying to make a TV show here.
Kalani scored 2nd Place in her age category and the ALDC group routine snatched First Place! Not a bad day at all, if I do say so myself.
And how about that blinged-out iPad? Holy smokes. Put that thing down.
Everyone was happy for a brief couple of seconds. Until Ashlee noted that all the stress leading up to the competition had made her daughter stress out, that is.
Which, as a mother, made her sad.
Which then made all the other mothers try and figure out where do they go from here?
This week was definitely a wakeup call for the Moms. Some of their drama was leaking onto their kids way more than they originally thought it was the last few months.
And Holly wasn’t liking it.
She was liking her outfit, tho. Look at her.
Mama knows she’s on point this week, mmmkay?
Just not right now.
For now, everyone just needed to get back to LA, lick some wounds and regroup for the next round of competition.
And fix this.
Not try to fix it.
Fix it.