I know it’s very last minute, but I found you this furry thing and even one of the Jonas Brothers.
I’m telling you right now…that kid is not going to the Award Show wearing my favorite furry vest.
OMG. I’m like 11 years old. Why don’t they just glue eyes on this thing and shoot me now?
#JustStop
It’s like they’re all looking at me right now. I can’t even remember what we’re talking about.
I paid extra to have my name engraved, but it was worth it. Purell your hands before you touch it.
And make sure to give them all Face like “Bitch, I know you’re jealous of my Eyeball Jacket.”
Drumroll.
The envelope, please.
And the Award for the most Mama Drama goes to…
Psych.
I don’t wanna spoil it for you.
You’ll figure it out on your own soon enough, tho. Trust me.
But first, we need to get you ready for something fancy.
Like an award show, maybe.
Because that’s exactly how this week’s Dance Moms started out….in full-on pre-show mode with Abby, Melissa and Maddie getting their hair did and their faces Beat to the Gawdz for the upcoming People’s Choice Awards.
The show actually started with this wide shot:
Then we went into hair and makeup, because Maddie had been nominated for a 2016 PCA in the “Seriously Popular” category along with some other people who were also in the category. I forget who exactly, but Melissa ran through the list of names on her iPhone while the camera zoomed in on all this tasty goodness…
Since Mackenzie was back in Pittsburgh performing with the original ALDC squad this week, Melissa had given Abby 2 tickets to tonight’s award show, but nobody knew who her Mystery Date was going to be for the evening. Even when pressed by Melissa, Abby wouldn’t give up any details on a potential escort.
Side note: I’ve said it before, but still.
Even my MomCrush Jill had to bow to the awesomeness of Abby’s spray tan this week.
And speaking of probably violating at least one city ordinance or fire code…the ALDC LA studio was busting at the seams with Dance Moms this week. They were everywhere.
The Mini Moms were finally back (…minus two of the blond ones who took their kids and hit the road back to wherever…) as well as all the original full-size Moms.
Disclaimer: I said full-size, not full-figure. Relax, people.
And there was even a new Mom on the scene this week.
Meet Jeannie and her trifecta of tiny dancers.
I’m assuming they were either personally called and invited to the ALDC or were drawn in by those gigantic window signs. I’m not sure. But there they were, regardless.
So now, not only did we finally meet a 7 year old child named Coco, but the Mini Team was potentially back up to its full 6 member headcount again.
That’s right. Abby was going to have the oldest girl, Kaylee, dance with the tater tots.
Which made Kaylee get all like ‘Excuse Me?’…
Duh.
Oh. And Peyton‘s Mom already knew Jeannie. Because of course she did.
And she already wasn’t a big fan, which caused Kerri to make the same face she made when she refused to believe that any woman in the building could afford that quilted Chanel bag sitting behind her head. As if.
But, of course, that didn’t stop Ashlee from asking about it anyway.
Melissa did this a lot this week.
Bottom Row: Mackenzie, Kalani, JoJo and Nia.
Psych #2. Abby moved Nia’s photo up one row, which caused Nia to make this face.
Middle Row: Kendall and Brynn, followed by Maddie on Top.
This week, the gang was headed to Placentia, CA for the Dream Dance Competition.
The new & improved Minis would be performing a group routine entitled ‘The Monsters,’ while the Big Girls would be circling overhead just like ‘The Vultures’ Abby thinks they are some times. And Maddie got a solo. Because Maddie. ‘The Peoples Choice…Or Not?’
With their Uber already waiting outside to take them downtown, Abby tracked down Brynn in that freaky back storeroom and asked her if she wanted to go to the awards.
This face, tho.
Bonus Points: To both Abby, for somehow finding an entire last minute Muppet-inspired outfit in Brynn’s size just hanging on a rack and to that random Boy Toy assistant who looked like whichever Jonas Brother it is that always works out, who kept walking in and out of the shot carrying what appeared to be a deli sandwich all wrapped to-go.
I don’t even understand this show anymore.
It was a mess.
The other Moms took offense to Abby asking Brynn first instead of one of the other girls.
Which made Ashlee mad.
Which got Jill mad.
To nip it in the bud, Abby asked Kendall and Kalani if they wanted to go in Brynn’s place, but neither of them were touching that one with a ten foot pole. Kudos for having the maturity to not take food right out of the mouth of your new little dance friend, girls.
Somehow when the dust settled, it ended up that Jill was going to the awards instead, even though she had nothing to wear.
Again…as if.
Deep down, I’ve always believed that everything Jill wears is actually velcro rip-away stuff that’s hiding something sequined underneath just in case anything like this ever happens to come up at the last minute and she finally gets that call from Dancing With The Stars.
I know, right? Iconic.
Eventually, everyone pig-piled on top of each other and nobody ended up going with Abby.
Nobody.
Jill wasn’t going to steal a little girl’s ticket. Ashlee wasn’t going to let her baby girl get bulldozed by anyone. Holly couldn’t believe we were still talking about this same issue 30 minutes later. And then I did the math and realized that I could have just taken the last ticket and saved everyone alot of grief. Thanks for nothing, ladies.
Fast forward: And the Winner is…Maddie Ziegler!! Our girl won!!
OMG. Like Seriously Popular.
The next day, Team Ziegler was back and telling all their exciting celebrity stories.
After allowing everyone to touch the award like it was some religious artifact from the Holy People’s Choice Land, Melissa finally put it down and we got to watch the girls rehearse.
Srsly. How adorbz were those little fur coats? Even before they hot glued all the roly-poly craft store hilarity onto the fur? I mean, c’mon.
Clearly, the only person who wasn’t loving the purple fur…other than the guy they had to hunt down on Sesame Street for his pelt and eyeballs, of course…
Mom immediately sat her down for the 411.
Apparently, Kaylee felt that the dance was for babies. Too young. Too cheeky. And why would anyone above the age of 10 want to pretend to be a monster and be all like…
Q. And didn’t Brooke Hyland dance with Minis even when she was old enough to date boys and take a pie in the face? Wasn’t she like 27 and still stepping on Mackenzie Boo back in the day? Gah. We miss those Hylands.
Take a bow, kids. XOXO
With barely a day to go before the competition, all the Moms were out back by the dumpster (…cuz that’s where all the good trash gets talked…) dishing the dirt about Jeannie and her kids and…of course…the dreaded Social Media.
Yup. Turns out that Jeannie had smack talked Abby and the ALDC crew online, calling them out for unprofessionalism and bad behavior and a stressful work environment and all the regular stuff you always put on social media when your boss rubs you the wrong way.
Mmmm. Do tell.
#StrongKidsWalkAway. She actually wrote that.
Yikes.
Side note: Was it my TV or was Jessalynn talking really loud this week? Cuz my ears…
I heart her, tho. Here she is being loud again.
Stop it. No…you stop it.
Kudos to Melissa for standing up for the Lukasiaks and making it clear that Jeannie didn’t know the whole back story.
And then they were gone.
I guess Kaylee was off to do something better that didn’t involve scary faces and purple fur that watches you wherever you go in the room.
With the Mini roster completely cut in half, Abby scrambled the girls into a Trio and then snatched two random ALDC hip hop girls who happened to be walking by and signed them up to do a Duet at the last minute. Sometimes panic brings out the best in everyone.
Finally, it was Showtime!
And Hat Day at the judges’ table. You see that? On point, boys.
Jill asked Melissa one more time if Maddie was sticking around or not, to which Melissa replied “As of right now”…which could either mean she’ll finish the dance, the season or this week’s episode. Who knows.
But her solo was awesome.
And they were barely done raving about it when the two surprise hip hop girls showed up backstage for some healthy competition. And most of Abby’s attention.
Look at Brynn. She totally knew what was about to hit the hip hop fan.
Needless to say, Kerri didn’t like that…at all. So she made this face again.
But in a different outfit.
And on steroids.
Kerri wanted her daughter to get some attention. And respect. And now.
Abby knew what she was doing. She’d done it before, right? We even got to see Chloe in an ‘Amber Alert’ flashback to prove her point about healthy competition!
Hey, Boo! Miss you more!
And then it got louder.
Abby yelled. Kerri yelled. Peyton cried. Rinse & Repeat.
Yell at my kid one more time. You’re the people I don’t want in my studio. You’re the culture. Yell at my kid one more time. I can get louder.
It was getting ugly. And even louder.
All Holly could think about was how good the coffee was…
Where this happened. Remember?
Luckily, it didn’t escalate to Kelly 2.0 and the show went on after all.
True Fact: The pep talk between the 3 Minis was probably the best part of the whole episode. Those kids are hilarious. Face. Give them Face. Give them pre-school Face.
We got this.
Stop it. I just can’t.
Side note: I really wanted to point out that one of the Minis has the most amazing calf muscles for such a teenie weenie, but it sounds way more unintentionally creepy when I say it out loud…so never mind.
The Big Girls were off the chart, too.
All the flashbacks this week made me recall those dime store costumes and Crayola makeup jobs the Moms used to have to do on their kids mugs. They’ve certainly come a long way since digging through that ratchet ALDC tutu store.
After a quick power point lesson on the mating rituals and survival techniques of Vultures (…Aegypius Monachus…) by Dr. Holly, it was time to hand out some awards.
Which the ALDC scooped up like those afore mentioned scavenging birds.
Mini Duet took First Place. Mini Trio snagged Second Place. And the Big Girls brought home another First Place trophy to put next to Melissa’s People’s Choice Award.
Which brought everyone back to the same old question one more time?
‘Sup with Maddie now?
Rumors? Go figure.
Maybe next week.
Or not, I guess.
