I am a well trained professional prima ballerina. Many men have referred to me as The Nutcracker.
Why does it always have to be Abby? Just once I’d like to be the pretty one. Work with me.
Those bitches. Why didn’t anyone tell me I had chocolate on my face?
It says you need to lose 10 lbs of baby fat and 200 lbs of enabling mother.
Back dat thang up.
I don’t know if it was my 2 hours at the gym tonight or Dance Moms: Miami that is making me feel so dehydrated.
Considering that I forgot my iPod and was having a difficult time lip reading Judge Judy on the monitor, I didn’t really work that hard on the treadmill. So it’s probably a given that my light headedness stems from this week’s episode, where there was so much crying and talk about salty food that I really need to replenish my fluids before I get one of those debilitating dancer cramps.
The gang was heading to San Antonio this time around, and you know what they say.
Everything’s bigger in Texas. The hair, the drama and the number on the bathroom scale. All big.
Really big.
What they don’t say is that everything starts getting big before you even leave Miami to board the plane to Texas.
This week all the dancers were headed to Starbound for the 99th time this season.
I’m unsure if that is the only competition left in America that will allow anyone even remotely affiliated with Abby Lee Miller to get past security, or if they’re all just Starbound groupies who follow the judges from city to city like stoners following a trail of pot smoke from the Grateful Dead tour bus.
Either way, San Antonio…get ready for some Fierceness.
But before they could pack their cowboy spurs and all of Victor’s new spiked goth jewelry, everyone had to deal with The List.
Drumroll, please.
The biggest newsflash this week was that every Mom finally had a chair to sit in, which made Victor pause and do some quick mathematical calculations in his head. Something wasn’t right.
Turned out that Sammy and her Mom “I’m the Pretty One” Abby were MIA, which explained the balanced seating arrangements.
Last week, after yet another throw down with the Moms, Abby and Sammy took off and hadn’t been heard from since. Hopefully they were not lying dead in a ditch on the side of the highway, because neither Victor or Angel could be bothered to find out what happened. Keep it moving, people. Nothing to see here.
Going bottom up…which is a hysterically fitting metaphor for so many things in Miami…The List was unveiled.
The lowest spot on the Toe Shoe Totem Pole was held by the missing Sammy, prompting Angel to declare that he would not waste his saliva on any explanation.
Plus he needed that mouth juice for his snacks later. Dude could use a sit up or two.
Don’t be hating…I’m just saying.
Fourth slot was Hannah. She still needed to work on her technique and caloric intake. Each week her weight has increasingly become the elephant in the room, no hurt or pun intended.
Hannah has an amazing head on her shoulders, and wants people to see her for a dancer, not as a kid with a Mom who overfeeds her every night. She knows what she needs to do, and is working on it for crying out loud, but Mom has some kind of lettuce phobia or something that won’t allow her to approach a salad bar without an inhaler.
So Hannah pays the price each week, whether it be concerned looks from the other Moms or the costumes they make her wear with those floppy swatches of fabric draped across her belly.
Worst. Camouflage. Job. Ever.
Third spot is for topless Lucas. He nailed his performances last time, but snitched on Sammy for dropping Kimmy on her head and as anyone who watches Mob Wives knows…nobody likes a rat.
Kimmy almost made it to the top, but got stuck at second because she was late on her penché, whatever that is. I don’t have time to Google it, but whatever a penché is…it shouldn’t be done late. She also got props for taking the heat for Sammy’s goof, even though getting dropped on the noggin wasn’t her fault.
Jessi made it back up on top after plummeting to the bottom for weeks. Her solo last week was great, and she made it another 7 days without killing her mother while she slept. Kudos.
Sammy and Abby decide to roll back into the studio as Victor began the assignments for the week, which wound him up a little tighter.
Jessi and Kimmy were given a duet.
If you didn’t know either of them you would immediately visualize some chick fight dance where the mean girl shoves the nerd girl inside her locker between classes. But since we’ve had 6 weeks to get acquainted it wasn’t going to be so terrifying to see Jessi flip Kimmy up over her head with one arm.
They like each other, even though their Moms are in the other room chewing through each other’s necks.
Lucas got a solo. Duh. I wonder if it will involve lifting his right leg straight up in the air?
Hannah got a solo as well, which was her golden opportunity to show all them skinny bitches how the big girls get it done. In yo’ face. Love her.
The group number was all about Abandonment Issues, designed as Victor’s way to force feed some teamwork down everyone’s throats.
And speaking of force feeding…uh oh.
As Hannah worked on her solo, the whole weight thing finally bubbled to the surface like microwaved cheese dip.
Now you don’t have to read medical journals at the dentist office to have heard a little something about childhood obesity and unhealthy eating habits. Just swing by any Food Court on your way to Macy’s.
Unless Hannah is buying the household groceries with her allowance and birthday money, I’m pretty sure Mom Debi is stocking the refrigerator, and what she is not eating herself…she is feeding to her daughter.
Debi got overly defensive about the weight issue and didn’t appear to really see how enabling she may have become at meal time. But luckily Mayra and her every changing hairdo was there to grind the point into Debi’s face like a seasoned pork rub.
Mayra called out Debi for allowing Hannah to eat a hamburger at the airport, when somewhere in the terminal there had to have been a Subway sandwich shop. Then it got ugly as Debi stormed out, vowing that Mayra would never again put her kid on the scale and that by the way…it was only half a hamburger, so go back to your front desk and f*** off.
Abandonment was key this week, as Angel and Victor kept disappearing at random inopportune times.
Mayra checked in on the duet while Angel focused on the never seen Senior Dancers, which made the Moms a little itchy. There were also a few scenes with the kids just standing around waiting for some direction, which made the Moms incredibly itchy.
While Victor showed off his new black & white Sephora manicure to the kids, the Moms decided that they would all try to get along for the sake of their kids and their own sanity.
The Moms. Getting along.
I know, right?
As they all bonded with that hand stack thing the Fantastic Four always does before they head off into the Negative Zone, their giddy Mom cheer got Victor so traumatized that he had to call off the group rehearsal, flamboyantly grab all his accessories and go bat s*** DivaPalooza out the front door.
PS. That was not a ManPurse he had seductively draped over his wrist as he exited stage right. Sorry. That was 100% Lady Bag.
Victoria, honey. C’mon.
Then it got cray cray.
In came Mayra, with no wig or weave, to teach the ballet class because both Victor and Angel were MIA. A lot of that going around lately.
The Moms went from itchy to full blown rash as they watched Mayra in her elastic pants and real hair lead the kids through their barre work. Word on the street is that Mayra used to be a professional dancer, so I guess it’s like riding a bike, but the Moms weren’t having it this close to competition. Everyone kept looking around for Ashton Kutcher to poke his head in the doorway and scream “You just got Punk’d, bitches!” but no such luck. This was really happening.
By the time Angel came in and made the announcement that he was staying home to work with those attention grabbing Seniors instead of joining everyone in San Antonio, the background drumroll and the Moms’ attitudes were both overly dramatic.
How could he abandon them at this late hour? How could they go to Texas without him? How does he fit in that Gap Kids polo shirt? And how does he dance in flip flops?
Gah. So many unanswered questions.
And then it got bigger, because it was Texas time!
I say it almost every week. You gotta love Victor’s entrances into the venues. Since they haven’t mastered the Abby Lee Miller group takeover walk, Victor just zones out and does his own mini runway, leaving all the kids behind.
They could all literally be hit by the airport shuttle bus and he wouldn’t know until the MC announces the Stars Dance Team and nobody goes on stage, because the dude is so focused on that strut.
This week’s runway included a hot pink top, purple pants, some whacked out jewelry and that shiny new manicure. Victor has also turned the simple task of removing sunglasses from your face into an art form. Walking down the narrow hallway you know he was totally dying to press himself up against the cinder block walls like that new Jennifer Lopez music video, but they were behind schedule.
Next time, maybe.
The dances all went really well. Hannah nailed her big girl dance, and showed everyone that she ain’t backing it up, or backing it down. She’s a force.
Debi, on the other hand, needs to just stop talking. In a classic Toddlers & Tiaras Pageant Mom Moment, Debi guaranteed Hannah a few years of adult therapy by being completely dumbstruck that her own daughter didn’t fail. Mom was surprised when her kid wasn’t 4th. She was 2nd. And Mom expected 4th. Or worse.
Debi better clear the DVR before she serves up another bucket of wings or Hannah is going to be devastated when she watches this episode. Nice, Mom. Nice.
Lucas somehow managed to dance both numbers with a shirt on, proving that…yes…he can still lift his right leg up 42 times without being stripped down like internet kiddie porn. Hopefully we’ve seen the last of naked Lucas.
Jessi doinked her back right as the duet was heading to the stage, but she still managed to pick up Kimmy like Idaho potatoes and spin her all over the stage without dropping her, which is a good thing. I don’t think Kimmy’s summa cum laude GPA could withstand too many more blows to the skull.
One quick pointer for any tech engineers who happened to find this site by mistake.
Starbound has one of the worst sound systems I’ve ever heard. Seriously. If the kids didn’t stand up, I would never have known who won what prize. What was she saying?
My grade school Peter and The Wolf play was easier to hear, and that was in the cafetorium with a tripod mic on fish stick day.
Fix that. Now.
Team Stars owned San Antonio, as Victor pointed out. They stole all the trophies out from everyone else and got their Fierce On. The numbers were great, the kids all did great and Victor’s funky new jewelry was killer.
That calls for some celebration snacks.
We’re all going to Debi’s for burgers. Wanna come?
