I swear Kanye stole my iPhone at the Grammys. I can’t find that damn thing anywhere. Not cool.
Time for my anti-lice headgear, cuz you know Mama’s gotta protect her investment.
So you want ME to give the bad news again? Getting sick of this Good Cop Bad Cop s***, lady.
All I know is that my hair’s on fleek and when I close my eyes my baby girl sounds like Whitney.
Your mother wears tight clothes every day and you don’t see her crying, do you? Suck it up.
Oh, that’s hilarious. But Tim Gunn calls it a “Tailored Fit,” thank you very much. Look it up.
It’s not your usual color, but it’ll still cover up those nasty roots. Close your mouth, honey.
Hollywood.
Entertainment Capital of the World.
Home to radio, TV, music and filmmaking. Where stars are made. And careers are born.
Where you’re only one audition away from your dreams and barely five miles up N. Santa Monica Blvd. from where The Beverly Hillbillies used to live.
Hollywood. Panoramic penthouses and celebrity mansions.
And now temporary housing for the Dance Moms. ALDC LA, baby.
After months and months (…and months…) of threatening to do it, Abby Lee Miller finally packed up all the over-sized hot rollers and Mama Drama she could fit in a steamer trunk and headed to the West Coast in search of new opportunities for her Pittsburgh Posse.
Since I pretty much neglected their actual arrival, here’s a capsulized version of what you missed when the ALDC landed in California last week…in case you need to clear out 60 minutes on your DVR for that new Gotham show, which I highly recommend:
Upon arriving, Abby was immediately intimidated by the high calibre of dancers in Hollywood. She found studio space for the girls and then had a run in with choreographer Erin Babbs, who likes to wear the same slouchy beanies that those DBag waiters on Vanderpump Rules always wear. Abby no-showed a lot, choosing instead to spend her time having emotional breakdowns inside her Enterprise rental while snacking on Sour Patch Kids and Burger King value meals.
My MomCrush Jill got herself a new, soft pink turtleneck that I especially enjoyed.
We love Mrs. Vertes.
Abby set up a casting call for all the girls with John Barba, who was wearing one of those Newsies caps that the Broadway Boys throw up in the air at the end of every dance number. My girl Nia rocked her audition, but Abby tried to sabotage it, which resulted in Holly deciding that from now on she would take charge of her own baby’s career. Move it and shake it, Dr. Beyoncé. Move it. And shake it. And then call Aubrey O’Day.
Because I’m not jealous at all that Holly has Aubrey in her contacts list.
As Season Five Abby continued her mental implosion, Season One Abby magically returned in her place, complete with puffy, makeup-free cheeks and that hair she used to have before Lifetime hooked her up with a stylist. Just. Whoa.
Abby also claimed to have spent one entire sleepless night working on a Homeless Girl costume for Maddie, though the same results could have been achieved by just snagging two towels on a washing machine agitator. Really? ALL night?
She also screamed a lot about parking spaces and how the Moms were really pushing her buttons, before throwing a totally yummy looking fruit basket on the floor.
And Gianna got ombré highlights.
Now you’re caught up.
As this week’s episode began, Abby had made the decision to move the girls to a different rehearsal space. One that was apparently less intimidating and clearly much cheaper by the hour. Did you see that thing?
I swear. With all the money that this Dance Moms cash cow brings in, I will never understand why they still insist on hiding whatever it is they are always hiding behind wrinkly bolts of fabric and CVS poster paper. Hang a confederate flag on the ceiling and that place would look exactly like a Freshman dorm. Or one of those restaurants with gigantic laminated menus that always hang old photos and horseshoes on the wall.
This week the gang was headed to another Sheer Talent competition, because clearly they offer this event in every state as well as Puerto Rico and the District of Columbia.
Before assignments and arguments were handed out, there was a short Pyramid of Shame which Abby tore through at such warp speed that it would literally take me longer to type the details than it took to present. Basically, JoJo’s headshot got ripped off and stuck on the other side of the room because she’s not actually a legitimate member of the team yet and Maddie was on top.
“There you go.”
Side note: Jessalyn‘s printed pants. Just staaaahhhp. My retina’s are burning.
Kendall and JoJo snagged solos. Since Honey Bow Bow Child is not even a legally licensed member of the ALDC and yet somehow still scored another dance number, I guess that means you can all look forward to me doing my signature tap routine at some point later on this season.
Seriously. I have no idea how these rules work anymore.
And then Holly and Abby went another round. Lawd. Testify, Mrs. Frazier.
Memo to self: Never stick it to Baby Cub Nia when Mama Bear Holly is in the cave.
Deep down under all the noise, the moral of the Dance Moms story is still all about Moms loving their kids and only wanting the best for them. It may get buried under a lot of screeching and VH1 finger pointing sometimes, but there’s no denying a Mother’s Love.
And there’s only so much anyone can take before they lose their noodle. Even if you have a PhD. It’s called The Breaking Point.
Somewhere in here Abby also called Aubrey O’Day, because apparently I’m the only one who doesn’t have her on speed dial.
Holly took off (…again looking pretty fly in her new Gap dark denim jacket, BTW…) and then Abby attempted a dramatic exit of her own, which kinda sputtered and then burned out before takeoff when she slowly walked sideways down the stairs like you do when your hip hurts in the rain and your bunions are flaring up.
Side note: Someone online stole my “The Struggle Is Real” joke when she took the stairs, so I got nothing right now.
The next day, with only 48 hours to go before the competition, Holly and Nia were nowhere to be found. Abby stuck JoJo into the ‘Collateral Damage’ Last Child Standing Survivalist group routine to replace Nia, which would explain why JoJo finally had a matching blue outfit like the rest of the girls.
(How may hair bows does this kid pack for a trip, anyway?)
Across town, we found the MIA Team Nia. Holly and Sasha were at the Boom Boom Room recording studio, meeting up with Aubrey O’Day. It was Nia’s day to record her new single “Star In Your Own Life!” (Available soon on iTunes.) Check out her Nia Nation App in the meantime.
I know, right? Do you have your own app? I don’t think so.
NIA: Just make sure you Google it correctly or you get the National Institute on Aging.
It was nice to see Aubrey O’Day not crying like she did every time Clay Aiken went all Drama Queen on her during Celebrity Apprentice. It was also nice to meet R8DIO, the music producer, who not only knows his shizzz but made me really want a hip hop name now. How kool wood dat bee?
One. Of all the bazillions of HollyFaces out there, ProudMama Face is a close second to the infamous WhatchooTalkinBoutWillis? Face when it comes to picking my favorite.
Mama was beyond proud of her baby. To Infinity & Beyond proud.
Two. My girl has pipes! Nia can saaaang, yo!
Back at 3rd Street Dance, Kendall and Jojo were fine tuning their solos. KK’s routine was a Bollywood themed number, while JoJo BowBow was trying to channel Stephen King‘s horror movie Carrie.
For realz. The one about the bloody Prom Queen, causing chaos wherever she goes. I see what you did there, Abby. Subtle.
Unfortunatley, JoJo was having trouble getting into the character, so Abby insisted that she go home and watch the movie.
Wait. What? Isn’t that an R rated movie? And isn’t she like 5 years old or something?
Luckily, before the Motion Picture Association of America and Child Services could be notified, time ran out on the studio rental meter and Abby had to scoot everyone out of the room. Hopefully JoJo went home to watch Nickelodeon and not witness a bucket of pig’s blood being dumped on someone, since the that little nugget is already teetering on the brink of insanity.
We heart JoJo. But she’s krazee.
With one day left before Sheer Talent, Nia was back in the studio getting cheers and huggies from all her BFFs. Holly had chillaxed a little and knew where Nia belonged. She loves to dance and loves her friends and Holly was willing to bite her tongue for a few minutes to let Nia have her moment. Doesn’t mean she was backing down. At all.
And then JoJo got head lice.
Not even lying. Her Mom uses more bleach on that kid’s head than I use on my entire bathtub and she still got head lice.
Jessalynn called from wherever she was to tell Kira that JoJo was at some secret location being treated for lice. Not sure what that really means since you can just go to Walgreen’s and then wash your hair.
But whatever.
While JoJo was being de-wormed, Gianna was in the other room getting a call from Abby, who was (…one mo’ time…) not even in the building. Abby made Gia the Heavy once again and told her to cut Nia from the group routine because she had not taken the opportunity to properly ‘Absolve Her Sins.’
Or maybe it was the Pope on the phone. I don’t know anyone else who talks like that.
To give us a quick breather from the religious overtones, the Moms all hit an outdoor cafe for some vino and diet coke. Even Jessalynn showed up (…allegedly uninvited or not?…) and thought she was in France.
She also thinks she’s a natural blonde, so there’s that, too.
Holly flipped her nutty again when Jessalynn started acting all Jessalynn and you know how that story always ends.
Finally, it was Showtime!
Nia showed up like a true pro to support her friends, even though she really wished she could dance in the group number. The rest of the ALDC team showed up in their new hooched up red dresses with some kind of studded thingamabobs on the shoulders. I guess the days of arriving in your sweatpants are long gone.
Even the Louis bags were back! It’s Hollywood, baby.
The only thing that didn’t show up at the auditorium was JoJo’s head lice. That was miraculously cured overnight. No worries though, because if the shampoo hadn’t done its job, the bottle of fake blood that Abby poured all over her Prom Queen head would have surely stopped those little buggers from multiplying.
Side note: You would have sworn everyone in the backroom had lice now the way they were stressing out. This was not a very relaxing pre-game locker room scene.
Kendall cried because her Bollywood costume was too tight. JoJo got fake blood in her eyes. Nia wanted to dance. Holly was grinding her teeth. Abby tried to buy back some of Nia’s love by tossing her a gift shop t-shirt.
Anyone else notice how often Maddie chews her nails? Put some hot sauce on those things or something. That’s a bad habit, sweetie.
Kendall’s solo went really well. At least until the music stopped. But she sang the song in her head while everyone in the audience clapped along and she made it through to the end like a true professional, even though the routine seemed a little more BoLyrical than Bollywood if you ask me. But again, I’m only going on what I remember from So You Think You Can Dance, so I might be a little foggy.
JoJo’s bloody mess of a dance reminded me of the time I almost OD’d on one of those chocolate waterfall fountains at a wedding reception. Twitching on the floor, tongue hanging out, goop smeared all over my face. Best. Day. Ever.
She never watched the movie, so she didn’t take the audience on an emotional roller coaster. Or kill her mother. Which I guess is a good thing.
Bonus Points: Given to Nia for shutting down JoJo when she asked her if Nia was sad that she couldn’t dance with the group.
Newsflash: I’m on the Team. You’re not. And you can’t sit with us at lunch.
Snap.
When it was all over, JoJo only pulled Fifth Place. Kendall’s silent mime dance nailed her Second Place. And the group came in First. Finally.
Backstage the Moms participated in one final round of discussions on how Nia should have been in the group dance. Holly proudly stated that her daughter learned some valuable lessons this week. Neither she nor her Mom are going to be vulnerable anymore. Obviously she would prefer the support of all the other mothers, but if she isn’t going to get it…no worries.
Step right up and enjoy the Nia Show, people.
FYI: You might wanna buy your tickets early, cuz it’s gonna sell out.
(PS…I’m starting an online petition to have the producers give Mackenzie at least one line in every episode. That poor little peanut has just been phoning it in lately.)
The ALDC team is broken. Or at least cracked a little bit.
I guess we’ll just have to wait and see what California has in store next time.
Ciao, baby. Love you. Mean it.
Hollywood Kisses.
