Dating Magazine

Can We All Agree This is the Dumbest Question Ever?

By Aussalorens
Can we all agree this is the dumbest question ever?

Alex is one of those fancy people who wears suits and gets invited to events and parties full of impressive humans, while I'm someone who skulks from table to table, hiding behind a curtain of scraggly red hair whilst fisting cheese trays like an undiscovered breed of cave troll.

But every so often a human will decide- for whatever baffling reason- to try and get to know us. This is a terrible idea. Especially if you're like the woman who zeroed in on us last weekend to ask the dumbest question in the history of the world:

Boring Human: "So, what do you do?"

Me: *looks at Alex*

Alex: "We do a lot of things."

Me: "I think she wants to know how we make money."

Alex: *makes very generic statement about who signs paycheques*

Boring Human: "How interesting!"

Me: "It's probably the least interesting thing."

Boring Human: "So how long have you been doing that?"

Alex: "Making money? Since college."

Me: "It's how we pay for things."

Can we please stop asking this question? Because it's awkward and I'm old now, so I'm no longer interested in shouldering the burden of others' regrets when they've asked a dumb question. Yes, I have a job and guess what- unless you're matching what they pay me to act normal for 40 hours a week then all bets are off for this conversation.

But of course she didn't get the clue, so I decided to do my submissive wife thing and look at Alex to answer every question on my behalf.

Boring Human: "So where do you two live?"

Me: *looks at Alex*

Alex: "We live in Denver."

Boring Human, not getting the point: "Sure, but what area?"

Me: *looks at Alex*

I wanted to steeple my fingers and ask this lady what her goals were for the conversation.

Was she trying to determine my social class and whether I might be useful to her? Because I can guaran-ass-tee ya that knowing me will gain you absolutely nothing valuable.

Alex and I aren't very good at being Americans. Meaning, neither of us pride ourselves on being busy or stressed, we exhaust every hour of vacation leave we're given, and we don't receive our work emails on our phones. In fact, I've trained all my coworkers to feel like they've been touched by an angel if I'm still in the office at 4:29PM. I treat my job like a campsite- leave it untouched and take nothing with you when you leave.

I'd like to propose that "so, what do you do" be permanently replaced with one of the following:

  1. So, what sorts of things keep you up at night?
  2. So, what are your unresolved childhood traumas?
  3. So, what do you think the odds are that we're living in a simulation?

At least then we could have a real conversation about the tension between desiring to experience your existence fully whilst also keeping track of whether or not you're spending too much time contemplating the nature of your existence over actually experiencing it and we could also discuss the possibility that maybe all of us are time travelers if you think about it a certain way.

But no, instead you're going to kill my soul over a plate of tapenade. Good job.

What's your favorite conversation starter? How would you answer that odious question? Which breed of cave troll are you?

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Can we all agree this is the dumbest question ever?

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