Humor Magazine

Can I Love A Man Who Loves A Small Gauge? Aunty Bill’s Heartache Advice

By Gingerfightback @Gingerfightback

Aunty Bill - A Tin Opener Short

Dear Aunty Bill,

Last week I fell in love with my next door neighbor. He is no oil painting (most people who see him have a gag reflex) but I cannot stop thinking about him. And his train set. He has a scale version of London Kings Cross station in his back garden.

I was thinking of getting him something for his trainset as a way to break the ice as it were.

What would you suggest?

Emily, Bashley

Aunty Bill Replies;

Dear Emily,

This takes me back to the days when I had a train set! Nothing as grand as your neighbours though. Dad was seldom home so we had to run round the garden making train noises and wearing baseball hats pretending we were Casey Jones.

My “Uncle Des” insisted we wore baseball hats and nothing else, he said it was more “authentic”. Never saw Casey Jones with his overalls off though.

Anyway, pigeons would be the ideal icebreaker for your train loving heart-throb. He can place them around his garden to add authenticity. Chuck in some stale bread rolls, a half eaten bag of cheesy Wotsits and scatter vomit in the raised beds to provide a true diet of the London pigeon.

To add an even greater air of Dickensian squalor, ensure that some of the flock should have a missing leg, eye or even a wing that doesn’t flap properly.

Pigeons healthy and deformed, are widely available and will really set the scene. He will love you forever!

Coo Coo! Choo Choo!

Aunty Bill


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