No. Really. Close your eyes. It sounds exactly like Beyoncé is here singing on the damn sidewalk.
Beyoncé? If you like it then you shoulda put some brains in it, maybe. That bitch is straight up crazy.
It’s time to yank it. And jerk it. Werk it and twerk it. And then spank it like a baby ’till it cries.
Take these five and the finger I’m about to give you and it will all add up to six judges, trust me.
Ridikilous.
When it comes to my kids, I will put on a wig just so I can snatch it off and beat you with it.
Close yo’ legs in the gymnasium. People eat hot dogs and Slim Jims in there. That s*** nasty.
Well, ok.
I guess maybe I have room in my busy schedule for one more Guilty Pleasure.
Because Bring It! just brung it again this week. And I couldn’t look away.
I could have probably walked away if I wanted to, I suppose. Maybe even gotten out of my pajamas, jumped on the subway and headed downtown for a nightcap. But I’m pretty sure I would have still been able to hear them no matter where I was, so I decided to just stay on the couch with my snacks and let Dianna Williams and the DDPs show me how they do down in Jackson, Mississippi.
Cuz they do. And they did.
Now that we’re all past the awkward introductions and First Date jitters, Dianna and the Dancing Dolls could get right down to bidnezz at the Dollhouse as soon as the credits jelly rolled across the screen. They were two days out from the next competition and it was a going to be a Big One. Really Big.
Memphis, Tennessee. Hostile Enemy Territory. Just like it says on Google Maps.
As the Dolls stretched it out on the floor, the front door busted open and the party started.
It’s Rittany, Bitch.
Can we just talk about how much we love Crystianna‘s Mom before we even go any further? With her red polo shirt and matching red knit snood like the Dance Moms kids wore a few seasons ago? And all that red hair? From the neck up she actually disappeared like some kind of optical illusion when she walked in front of that giant red stripe on the back wall.
And speaking of. I still swear this place is a Target that Dianna breaks into through the loading dock after the store is closed every night. Or maybe she knows someone who hooked her up with a key. I dunno. But either way, I’m already starting to think the real reason the Moms have to stay outside is to collect all the runaway shopping carts that people didn’t return to the front door during the day.
But it’s all good. Because I freakin’ love all these Moms. And Target, of course.
Rittany was still holding a grudge over last week’s confrontation with Dianna, but wanted to be the bigger plus-size woman and apologize. Which would have been great if she had remembered to dial it down a notch or ten before getting up in Dianna’s face all over again. But she din’t. OhNoSheDin’t.
Please tell me that there’s some kind of Learning Annex workshop available where people can learn to talk and act more like Rittany. Because I will pay good money.
Rent money, if I have to. Which would be ridikilous. But, chile…I’d dew it.
Dianna tried to explain that there are rules in place to prevent people from driving their cars on the sidewalk and punching out people who wear white after Labor Day, but Rittany wasn’t buying it. So they basically got nowhere on that one. Girl, bye.
Outside, Selena/Beyoncé had arrived with Sunjai and was trying to have a motivational Mother/Daughter Moment after having been cut from the competition team last week. Mom was all like “You need to do this and you need to do that” and Sunjai was all like “Shut up and stop living your life vicariously through me, Mom” before she scooted inside to be with her sane friends.
As soon as Selena mentioned that she used to dance herself back in the day, I got an acid flashback to that Toddlers & Tiaras episode when a Pageant Mom ripped the crown right off her own baby’s head and wore it in front of the cameras while walking aimlessly in a circle applying messy lipstick and rambling something about still being pretty.
Yeah. That was pretty much all I need to know about this situation, thank you.
But I love Selena. And Beyoncé. So she’s got kind of a Win/Win situation going on there as far as I’m concerned. Like a Payless BOGO sale. Two for the price of one almost.
Inside, Dianna was bracing the Dolls for this week’s competition, where they would be coming face to face with their arch enemies the Prancing Tigerettes.
The Dynamic Diamond Dolls would also be there. As would the Dancing Cloverleafs, the Golden High Steppers, the Divas Of Olive Branch, the Flying Monkeys Of Oz and the Girls Who Will Never Hold Onto A Man.
Glad to see that the old Toddlers & Tiaras Name-Generating-Machine hasn’t gone to waste since that TLC show was cancelled. I was exhausted before rehearsals even started. That’s a lot of teams, even if I may (…allegedly…) have made up one or two of those ridikilous names.
(See? It doesn’t even sound right when I type it. I really need that Rittany class asap.)
But nobody wins without practicing, so the Dolls hit the rehearsal floor and the Moms hit each other. Almost.
I don’t even know how it started. And I was sitting right there watching. I swear. I didn’t even look away for a second. But somehow, all of the sudden, Rittany and Seloncé were all up in each other’s grill and the next thing I knew Rittany was telling all of America that their weaves both came from hair yanked out of the a** of a Central Park horse.
I know, right? But apparently Seloncé pays more for her butt hair, because Rittany’s money all goes to fast food. Something about plus-size ladies being all the rage in 2014, thanks to Jennifer Hudson and American Idol. Except that nobody watches that show anymore and Jennifer’s skinny now. So who knows where she was going with that.
I couldn’t keep up. Didn’t even try. But I love them both. And I love Jennifer Hudson.
And I really…really…thank JH for giving me loud and proud Thick Girls. I just don’t like all the extra sodium in Weight Watchers frozen lasagna.
For the second week in a row, the award for Wearing A Wig That Can Be Seen From The International Space Station went to my new TV girlfriend, Tina. I used up all my good Ronald McDonald jokes last week, so I’ll just mention that her hair is the same color that scores you the most points in a paintball tournament and move on.
Love her. Paintball? Not so much.
Back inside, Dianna brought out the Clipboard of Cuts and started weed whacking the field down to a manageable number. First to go was Sunjai. Again.
She cut my baby! She cut my baby!
Also in her radar was Crystianna, who was dragging behind a little bit. But Dianna only pushes the girls hard to make them better. That’s still the heart of the show. The Moms just don’t see it that way most of the time.
Or ever. Which was clearly the case as Rittany blew back in through the front door for Round #2. Imma ’bout to handle her like a stranger!
I swear, if Maya Angelou doesn’t publish a book of inspirational Bring It! quotes for this holiday season, there’s something wrong with the world.
Remember all those rules that we mentioned earlier? I know there’s also the one about not touching a black girl’s hair. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
But I guess now there’s also a new one about not pushing her face like you’re high-fivin’ a basketball team after they win Nationals.
Because that’s exactly what Rittany did to Dianna, right before Miss D shoved Rittany and her snood right back outside. And then they both got all VH1 up in each other’s grill on the sidewalk until Dianna realized that going to jail would pretty much make this a one season show.
As Rittany and Crystianna climbed inside their car to head home, my girl Tina was still doing her Street Fight Dance. Whenever I see her getting all hyper it reminds me of those news stories about people walking their dogs and then stepping on an electrified manhole cover. Gurrrl. Arms and legs were flying e’rywhere.
Amidst all the chaos, we got a real tender moment between Rittany and Crystianna. Turns out that Rittany is actually the Auntie, not the Mom. But I’m too lazy to scroll back up and re-type everything and Real Moms are the ones who love you, whether they have stretch marks or not. Rittany cried. Crystianna cried. And the heart of the show came through again.
It’s all for the kids. Memorize it.
And speaking of Gladys Kravitz. Cuz we were, right? Turns out that Mimi is the town snoop. Who knew? She’s the lady who gets up from the dinner table every time she hears a car go by to see who is in the neighborhood. The lady who knows everything that is going on. The lady who is all up in everybody else’s shiz. The lady who keeps Miss D in da loop. Stay tuned for how this one rolls out.
For the first time we also got a glimpse of Dianna’s home life as she made a call to Rittany on the thickest, most blinged out iPhone evah to try and smooth out their relationship.
We got to meet Miss D’s man Robert, finally got a name for that fuzzy haired little boy Cobe and saw a photo of Dianna with one up leg in the air hanging on the wall.
I didn’t ask.
The next morning we also took a nice walk past 127 porta potties on the way to school with Crystianna and her BFF Camryn as they discussed their My Little Pony collections and how Rittany had lost her nutty on Miss D. The conversation was typical little kid stuff, which was cute to see. One of them was even wearing purple UGG boots, which for some reason reminded them both of The Color Purple.
Random. But so were the porta potties.
I’m also not sure how little girls can even keep their heads up with the size of those cheer hair bows nowadays. But I’m not in the elite world of hip hop majorette business, so I guess it doesn’t really matter.
With one day to go before the competition, Rittany and Crystianna returned. Everyone was happy and they put the finishing touches on their performance pieces.
Dianna tried to explain the rules for this event, but you either needed a NASA degree or membership in Mensa to know what she was talking about. So. Many. Rules.
I went downstairs, threw another load of laundry in the machine, came back up, brushed my teeth, flossed and when I sat back down she was still explaining what would be happening.
Fast songs. Slow songs. Medium songs. Random songs. Field Dances that didn’t count. Stand Battles that counted for the whole score.
Just call me when the Dolls are ready to rumble.
Finally, it was Showtime!
Quincy, who was not only the coach for the Prancing Tigerettes but also the Love Child of Pee Wee Herman and the fat guy from Boyz II Men, met the Dolls as they entered the venue. I liked him. His glasses were ginormous.
Vern, the competition’s organizer, already seemed to not be living up to her title before the show even got started. I just had a bad feeling.
My girlfriend Tina showed up in head to toe camo. This bitch was going to War. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Clearly, there is nothing cuter in this world than the Baby Dancing Dolls. Honestly, I don’t know what they do, or if they even do anything. Maybe they just dress them up and then let them all play in the back until the show is over. I dunno. I don’t care. It doesn’t even matter, because those little niblets are so cute I just wanted to slap somebody for not telling me about them sooner.
The Main Event was a Stand Battle. That’s the one where the two teams get all OhHellNo in each other’s face. There were (6) teams and each one got to bring a judge. My highly tuned ADD senses were quick to notice SEVEN (7) people sitting at the table as my eyeballs rolled all over the place, even though #7 was clearly trying to blend in by wearing the same color as the bunting on the front of the card table.
Busted.
First Round: The Dolls went up against the Divas From Olive Branch, who came out looking like hoochie choir girls, tossed their robes aside and then proceeded to spread it like PB & J all over the floor. I think ‘Strip Club’ is the term that somebody used.
Dianna flipped. The DDPs flipped. And then the judges flipped.
They flipped over poster board signs that looked like the cards you used to see on the old Newlywed Game and it was a TIE! Until that 7th judge had to go and f*** it all up for the Dolls by giving the win to the Olive Branches.
Boom goes the Dianna-mite!
Miss D put Rittany to shame and showed her how you REALLY lose your nutty. Vern tried to say that she announced the 7th judge at the start. Which she din’t, mmmkay?
Dianna had to be held back a few times. Vern went scrambling back to the mic to cover her own PB & J. Quincy even got so wound up that his shirt came untucked.
Hold me back! Hold me back! You don’t mess with my kids!
It was straight up Jerry Springer in the gymnasium. Everyone was pushing and holding back everyone else. Screaming and swearing and Don’t Make Me Take My Shoes Off. If the benches hadn’t been screwed down they probably would have thrown them like folding chairs after a DNA test. I never seen nuthin so cray.
I also never seen so many people taking pictures with iPads. You got a phone in your purse. What the hell?
And then it was over. The Dolls were done before they even got started. They had nothing to do for the rest of the day except cry. But Dianna wasn’t having it and turned the whole fiasco into a teaching moment.
A loud one. But still a teaching moment.
Turn them tears into anger. Starting tomorrow…we don’t lose no mo’.
Seven judges?
Ridikilous.
