Entertainment Magazine

Bring It!: Nobody Pom Pom Panic, But We’re Not In Jackson Anymore. Lions And Jaguars And Vows…Oh My.

By Danthatscool @DanScontras

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Today’s episode is brought to you by the letter ‘E’…like in ‘Extra.’ Like all these coaches tryna be.

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Whatever. Whatever. Whatever, Boo. And it’s not Petty Betty…it’s Messy Bessy. Get it right, Felicia.

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I said get me a bag of Goobers, a diet Coke and one of those gigantic cardboard heads.

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And Lawd, gimme the strength to not rip off these new eyelashes and beat somebody with ’em.

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#CammieHead

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She’s gon’ kick us both outta here if you don’t turn down the music on that damn Candy Crush.

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I get one scene and you stick a white boy in pink panties in the shot? Get me Tawantza’s agent.

So, yeah.

Still having some trouble finding the proper balance between carbs, portion control and timely Bring It! recaps as the summer winds down.  I’m not proud, but at least I own it.

And I still blame the Lifetime executives in charge of programming more than I blame my complete lack of self-control when a burger hits the grill.  Any mid-season television premiere (…of a show that should totally be two hours long, BTW…) that is aired during the last month of quality snack-bar soft-serve is just asking for scheduling conflicts.

But summer’s over.  I think we’re back on track now.

This week, Miss Dianna Williams and her Jackson Dancing Dolls were headed to the Port City Majorette Battle in…I dunno…Port City, maybe…for a potential triple-threat performance.  The team was already booked for the Solo and Pom Pom categories, but would need to come out in the Top Four rankings in order to compete in the final Stand Battle portion of the competition.  Because, you know…rules.

Dianna’s new eyelashes, tho.

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I mean.  Dang.

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They were like…Bam!

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Looking good, Gurrrrrl.

Too bad all the drama couldn’t stay attached to your lids and not keep showing up with all these coaches lately, huh?  Wassupwiddat?

Whether it’s the elusive search for their 15 Minutes or a defective e-X-tra chromosome somehow making them all act up in front of the cameras, there’s certainly been a lot of confrontational coach moments this past season.

(Insert any loud, random Flashback here: ___________.)  And Dianna was over it.

Not gonna lie.  When she said she needed her Chi to be calm, I thought she said ‘Cheetos,’  which hilariously still made complete sense given the fact that Miss D does love a tasty, finger staining snack after a hard day at the office.

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Along with the pressure of another competition, Dianna announced to the Dolls that she was also planning the renewal of her wedding vows this week.  How romantical.

Turns out that when she and Robert were first married in 2009, money was tight and they had to cut corners to make it work.  But they did.  And now it was time to celebrate their blessings and show how thankful they were for everything good that has happened in their lives in the last 6 years.  Including my blog, even though the editors clearly cut that line out before they aired the episode.  But whatever.  I know she said it.

And who doesn’t love a wedding, right?  Even a redo.

As the girls all pulled out paper iParty horns and started honking all over the Dollhouse in celebration, my girl Mimi and the rest of the Mamas were back in the freshly painted DDP/IKEA Lounge planning a bachelorette party and thanking the good Lord that they weren’t the ones married to Dianna.

#MimiFace sez:  Seloncé, you so crazy.  

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This week the Dolls would be going up against the Southern Royalettes, the Exquisite Starlettes, the Forever Pretty Girls, NV’s Dancing Dolls (…potential copyright infringement papers have already been filed in Dianna Williams’ behalf.  You can thank me later…) the Columbus Jaguars and the White Girls In Yoga Pants Who Somehow Manage To Survive An Entire Fall Season Living On Nothing But Pumpkin Lattes.

Q.  Where did all these new even teams come from?  Was I really that out of the loop before Bring It! came into my life?  How embarrassing.

To speed up the process this week, there was no Captain’s Dance Your Pants Off Battle for the top spot.  MaKalah scored the Stand Battle Lead, which gave Camryn time to focus on her upcoming Lioness Solo.  Unleash the Beast.

With all the girls stepping up and working harder than ever this summer, Dianna wanted to award them with opportunities to shine.

Side note:  Was there a lot of ombré hair going on this week, or was it just me?

As the girls started hitting the choreography, we scooted over to Meridien, MS to check in on the Southern Starlettes and Coach Sharon Howard.

I’ll say it.  Since I can.  And nobody else will.

This is Sharon:

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This is that lady from HGTV:

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What channel am I even watching right now?  And I’m being serious.

I wasn’t expecting Sharon.  Or Carol.  But I’m glad they both showed up, because neither of them were gonna take any crap from you or me when it came to respecting their teams.

BONUS:  One of them even had time to make this little guy out of an old Renuzit air freshener during the commercial break.  I swear.

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Anyway.  Whoever the coach was, she was a riot.  No hate tweets, please.  We liked her.

Quite a bit, actually.  And as we discuss every week…I’m a little white boy who wore bow ties on Picture Day, so don’t make me keep saying that for the Legal Department.

No worries, though.  Sharon was just as dramatic as the other coaches when the red light came on.  Granted, it was definitely more Cheer Squad/Field Hockey/Someone Forgot To Bring A Crock Pot Cord To the PTA Supper Drama and less Take Off My Hair And Whoop You With It Drama, but Coach Howard still worked it for the camera like a Boss.

As all that hilarity was ensuing, Dianna was back at the Dollhouse bringing everyone up to speed on what to expect this week as they headed to Port City.

Especially from the Columbus Jaguars and their still-as-yet-unseen coach Arthur Harris.

Turns out that Arthur had left some kind of smack talking ransom note on the door of the Dollhouse a few weeks back telling the girls to get ready for a beatdown in Port City.

I know, right?  Who does that?  Besides kidnappers, I mean.

And how far is Columbus from Jackson?  Wouldn’t you just call first?

This is Arthur, who I’m pretty sure is somehow related to Quincy from the Prancing Tigerettes.  They both have the same gene for hand flailing and saying ‘Whatever.’

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Side note:  This happened for some reason:

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Raise yo’ hand if you miss the ’60s.

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I think I love Seloncé even more than Woodstock brownies.

That was a joke.  Drugs are bad, kids.

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Finally, it was time for the Bachelorette!

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Psych.  Kidding.  That crybaby was actually on The Bachelor, not The Bachelorette.  But look at her job title and then tell me how much you hate your job on a sweaty August afternoon.

I’m talking about Dianna’s DDP party.

Complete with feather boas, dirty girl games and one of those nasty boob cakes that even took Rittany‘s breath away for a moment.

I mean…look at the size of those things.  You could literally go into diabetic shock if you went back in for seconds on the left one.  And you just know the censors made Tina pull out all the candles that were shaped like boy parts before they started filming.

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Lemme tell you sumthin.  That.  Party.  Rocked.

Everybody was eating and drinking and werking and twerking like I don’t know what.

Seloncé did this a lot, too.  Because, you know…Seloncé.

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Tina wore this exact outfit, but in electric blue without the mask.

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She even swung around two Pom Pom Pasties so fast that it made Mimi kick off her shoes and do a Cake Dance on hot coals for some reason.  You can’t even make this show up anymore.

#MimiFace sez:  No you can’t.  Dat’s rite.

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Dianna loved her party.  And the snacks.  And the thought that went into it, because it proved that they all really do love each other even if they bicker and snicker and get all up in each other’s bidnezz way too much.

It’s all about the love, yo.  For yo’ kids.  For yo’ family.  For yo’ friends.

Finally, it was Showtime!

Arthur was already wound tighter than Camryn’s big hair by the time he arrived at the venue, yelling orders at his team and waving his #WhackyWavingQuincyArms around like he was selling used cars in a wind storm.

Side note:  They can Buck, too.  Who knew?

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After a quick prayer circle where one girl got busted for not head bowing OR eye closing (…ooooh, Dianna gon’ be mad…) the Dolls were ready to get this thing done.

Newsflash:  Jay Fever/Johnny Harrington V was back again to emcee!

F’realz.  That’s him right there.

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And he has a name now!!

True Fact:  Everyone’s been asking me and I never knew what it was until this week.  Unfortunately, I was so excited to finally figure out who this guy was that I accidentally clicked on his LinkedIn profile and now he probably thinks I’m creeping him online.  Which I was.  But I’m not now.

First up…the PomPomPalooza.

All the teams killed it on the floor.  Sharon was happy and could already tell that her girls were moving on to the Stand Battle.  She was also eyeing that #CammieHead like she’d never seen a popsicle stick so big.  Just imagine the awesome crafts.

When the Jaguars shook their stuff, Arthur almost lost his nutty he was so excited and somehow managed a perfectly choregraphed Two Snaps Up with some random crazy lady in the bleachers.

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You see dat?  It was like they planned it.

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And then the Dolls hit the floor and shut it down.

Just like when Twitter almost shut down from e’rryone posting screenshots back and forth and tweeting all like…waymin…isn’t dat…?

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Don’t ask.

Especially right now.  Because Arthur and Dianna just met up in the hallway.  Like they do on every Lifetime Network show now.  Have we learned nothing from six seasons of Dance Moms?

Right there in front of some fancy mural it went down like Donkey Kong.

Arthur jumped Miss D all like…Hiiiiiiiieeeeee……

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And Dianna was all like…OhHellNah…Do I Know You?

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And then they went at it a few rounds until Rittany and some mall cop lady came to break ’em up like it was about to go down in front of the Hallmark Christmas Ornaments on Limited Edition Release Day.

This show.  I swear.  Two hours, please.

Side note:  Please tell me you noticed that Miss D was making the exact same face as the University of South Alabama Jaguar during the entire throw down.  Truth.  They were both ready to bite somebody’s face off as soon as the cheerleaders finished their tumbles.

Put your punk a** doorknob note away.  It’s Game Time, bitch.

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Ding.

The Southern Royalettes were first out on the floor with their Solo routine, followed by Camryn who unleashed the beast all like…RAAAAWWWWWRRRRR!

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Side note:  Yes.  I know in the comic book this Lioness is actually part Tiger and part Were-Woman, but that’s exactly how Camryn looked and acted when they wheeled her out in her jungle cage.  So we’re sticking with Tigra.

And speaking of sticks.  Check this big thing out.

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Order before midnight tonight and we’ll add a second #CammieHead to your order at no additional charge.  All you pay is shipping, handling and FAA fines for blocking flight patterns with a giant Camryn Harris noggin.

I so need one of those in my life right now.

More than I need this one, probably.  Who knows where those sticks have been.

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This guy seems pretty happy with his #HeadOnAStick, too.  I think those are prison walls.

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#SticksOnAHead are probably another story.  Especially if you’re the Spawn of Satan.

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But I know Mimi and I could totally get my #WeaveStix business off the ground if she would just return my calls.  C’mon, girl.  You know I’m on to some good shizz with this one.

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But I digress.

Long story, short:  Arthur and his girls got cut from the Stand Battle and he wasn’t having it at all.  The Jaguars didn’t get the final spot, but I’m fairly confident their coach scored a pretty fabulous sashay away down the hallway.  Whatever.

But we got a wedding to get to…so…

Blah Blah Blah.  The Dancing Dolls took ALL THREE TOP PRIZES!

Pom Pom?  Check.  Solo?  Check.  Stand Battle?  Check.

Side note:  You see that TumbleWeave on the floor after the Dolls finished?

Lawd ha’ mercy.  Pick up your toys, kids.

Trifecta!

Topped off with a beautiful all-white vow renewal ceremony that was….just so…you know.

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The Dolls won.

And Love always wins.

DD4L!

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Bring It!: Nobody Panic, We’re Jackson Anymore. Lions Jaguars Vows…Oh
Bring It!: Nobody Panic, We’re Jackson Anymore. Lions Jaguars Vows…Oh
Bring It!: Nobody Panic, We’re Jackson Anymore. Lions Jaguars Vows…Oh
Bring It!: Nobody Panic, We’re Jackson Anymore. Lions Jaguars Vows…Oh
Bring It!: Nobody Panic, We’re Jackson Anymore. Lions Jaguars Vows…Oh
Bring It!: Nobody Panic, We’re Jackson Anymore. Lions Jaguars Vows…Oh
Bring It!: Nobody Panic, We’re Jackson Anymore. Lions Jaguars Vows…Oh

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