Red Sox players walked to the locker room with a look of death on their faces as the Tigers completed a devastating sweep of the opening series of the season. The losses came in the most excruciating manner possible: blown leads, blow-out game, imploding bullpen, wretched starting pitching...
Reporters approached Bobby Valentine's office warily, but were shocked to find the manager sitting peacefully, sipping tea and grinning ear to ear. An intrepid reporter asked Valentine how much of a concern was the opening series sweep? Valentine laughed heartily, and said, "Ah, gentlemen, I see you don't understand what's going on here," said the manager, sipping his tea. "It's of no concern at all to me. In fact, the first three games went exactly as planned." More uproarious laughter from Valentine; more looks of confusion from the media. "We're exactly where we want to be, my friends, I couldn't have planned it more perfectly," he said confidently.
When asked to explain his logic, Valentine rolled his eyes. "You mere mortals need to have everything explained to you," he said. "I wanted Beckett and Buchholz to suck, so now we'll take everyone by surprise. The bullpen? We want other teams to think it's our weakness, then we spring it on them how good we really are. I drew it up this way the day I took over the team. Remember, I'm thinking at a much higher level than you guys. Three losses to start the season...all planned! Tonight, you'll see a different Red Sox team."
And if the team continues to play this poorly? "Then we really do suck, but it won't be my fault," he said with a shrug. "Blame it on Cherington."
