via Here for The Right Reasons
Alright people we’ve got our first “not here for the right reasons” meltdown on the books! After a whopping 2 episodes in LA, Andi is ready to get out of the city of angels and head to Santa Barbara. Without delay, the best moments from this week’s (first) Bachelorette episode.
The guys totally see the trip to Santa Barbara as one long party bus.
You can just see the visions of mimosas dancing in their heads.
The First Instance of Boy Sh**
Marcus grows more attractive as he really leans into this Scott Disick’s doppelgänger thing. It works, especially when he’s shirtless. But how dare he and smarmy Andrew talk smack about my Nick! Nick, my new favorite, looks like a mix between hot Neville Long Bottom and Jason Segel, which is a combination I never guessed I’d be into. But now I’m fairly certain he’ll make it to hometowns. But is his nice, shy boy schtick an act? It would take supreme acting skills to awkwardly force the mention of a good resume into a first date though. Andi’s curious as to why Nick’s still single. That popped collar jacket might have something to do with it, but he emerges as the second bachelor to have been previously engaged. Nevertheless, she allows him to go into his previously rehearsed speech about why “The One” is actually unromantic. Andi recognizes this as the deep philosophy it is, and hands that mofo a rose!
Chubbies, The Musical
So many man quads, so little legroom in that limo. Male Sharleen starts his warmups early, and Patrick outs himself as…maybe he just outed himself in general (see also: beverage of choice = red wine in the hot tub with 2 other dudes.) This is going to be good. Clearly the guys’ synchronization won’t be as good as this one, but I can never say no to a little Boyz II Men. And Josh pulls ahead with his Bradley impression. And I realize that Andi’s question for Eric if he could sing wasn’t an invitation to sing “Love is an Open Door“, but rather foreshadowing! As it turns out, singing ability on the bachelor is inversely related to likability. See: Tasos and Operaman. And again, but opposite: Marquel (who is awesome.) The guys love the concert & tipsy Marcus calls it an “adrelanine” rush. All the guys fight to stand closest to Andi’s butt and whisper meaningful things in her ear.
The Greatest Karaoke I’ve Heard Since Friday Night
I mean…how else do you describe this? Operaman sounded nearly as bad as the rest of the gang, but Marquel and Cody would have won this challenge if it was Survivor.
Andi gives Cody a Heart Attack
Okay, now I like Jacklemore/Sean Browe.
Whisper Kissing
So Marcus threw a total BF when he didn’t get a one-on-one date. He looks majorly sadz that other guys are having one on one time after the karaoke date. He also realizes he’s developing feelings for her (the point of the show) which makes him even more determined to stand out. Fiercely determined, he cozies up to Andi, feigns surprise at the ocean’s existence, then asks if he may kiss Andi (and really, it is about damn time.) Then Josh gets in his second round of make out sesh this season, and well, we know who the better kisser is, regardless of who did or did not wear an idiotic scarf. Josh: rose, Marcus: bitter disappointment.
Pantsaprenuer Gets His Moment in the Sun
And it looks like sun damage. Bring on the prosthetics! What does that say about you when your date would rather you wear a disguise for her first several hours looking at your face? So the Bachelorette producers are now just ripping off Off Their Rockers and Andi and JJ’s interpretation of old people is “batman voice”. After they ditch politely asking them to take pictures and start being weird the date gets sweet. JJ does truly seem like a good time, and I admire his potty mouth. He gets a rose, and all is right with the world.
I Got C-Blocked by a Bouquet of Flowers
DAYUM! Eric’s face when he realized he should have had flowers delivered mid-conversation. Nick, meanwhile, reveals himself to be a dating mastermind by sending Andi flowers (duh!) In the real world, flowers after a first date would be a sweet totally normal gesture, which Nick agrees with, and has now firmly cemented himself as in.the.lead. He might as well have signed himself for “swimming” now.
We All Already Knew
No sh**, Andrew is a skeezball. I do love this scotch-fueled confrontation though, where JJ and Josh take Andrew behind the gym and beat him up call his skeezy ass out. We then take a Blair Witch style tour of the house while Andrew locks himself in his room. I haven’t seen such denial of responsibility since I “borrowed” my parents’ car without permission and locked myself in my bathroom. Andrew truly proves his Machiavellian dickishness by calling JJ and Josh’s confrontation a strategic attack. He them tries to slime his way out of accountability for hitting on what I’m sure was a very nice Hooters waitress (“I was handed a phone number.”) He then pleads the fifth/feigns ignorance like an Enron exec while the guys confront him. He’s mystified and baffled because he thought they were all here to have some sort of summer-camp-esque best friendship? Does he not know this is a reality show dating competition?
Goodbye, Ron. I’ll miss your steez, and I think Andi will too. Goodbye Operaman, you were so boring I thought you left last week. but I look forward to watching you on Castle! Goodbye, Brick Tamlan. I wish you much happiness with Lamp and your mullet.
