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All About Drug Testing, Including Innovative and Funny New Ways to Pass a Drug Test

By Tomretterbush @thomretterbush
All About Drug Testing, including Innovative and Funny new Ways to Pass a Drug Test

What happened to Our Right to Peerivacy?

The drugs you did last night, last week and last New Year's Eve are all embedded in your urine, sweat, hair, saliva and blood. Not so long ago, when I was growing up, the body was a temple the law could not enter. The body and its secretions were holy. Unfortunately, scrupleless courts, modern society and bad science have since united to make drug testing a part of American life, giving rise to a multibillion-dollar a year industry that exists only because of the money that is being made by violating our privacy. 
Despite the Fourth Amendment's guarantee of a right to privacy, courts have granted increasingly broad authority for random drug testing, so what was unthinkable in America only a generation ago is now taken for granted.
"The number of employers conducting drug testing is in a long-term decline," Lewis Maltby, president of the National Workrights Institute, reports. "And most employers who do test, only test for preemployment."
Maltby presaents figures from American Management Association member surveys which clearly show a steadfast drop in private-sector drug screening, from a high of 81% in 1996 declining to 62% in 2004. Why the decline?
"Employers are beginning to realize that drug testing is not producing any improvement in the bottom line," Maltby is quoted saying. "Most employers who bought into drug testing did so because the government and the drug-test industry promised it would increase safety and productivity, and that promise was not kept."
All About Drug Testing, including Innovative and Funny new Ways to Pass a Drug TestHowever, as the declining numbers of economic realities eventually sink in among corporate America's managers, the US government continues to push drug testing as a magic-bullet, while pot smokers remain caught in the middle. Don't forget, marijuana is by far the most widely used illicit drug in America and thus the most detected substance by drug testing. Twenty-five million Americans smoked pot last year! Yes, 25,000,000 Americans smoked weed last year!  
Unfortunately for these pot heads, THC stays in the body much, much, much longer compared to other drugs. This make marijuana the ideal target for a drug-test market. In fact, there could never be a widespread drug-testing industry if marijuana were legal.
As always, stoners need to know the facts and stay on top of things, because its not a joke, you really can study for a drug test.
Although jokes and drug tests don't usually go together, we could all use a bit of a laugh now and then. So, here's the funny side of drug testing. Here are a few jokes about drug tests and drug testing you might get a laugh from. Enjoy.
Innovative Ways to Deal With a Random Drug Test (you have to do it in a cup in front of a witness.)
  • Ask your observer if he wants to race.
  • Wear a diaper.
  • Urinate all over the outside of the cup, and then refuse to wash your hands with anything accept antibacterial soap.
  • Inquire about a "take home cup."
  • Get your privates stuck in your zipper.
  • After four-and-a-half hours of holding it, pee so hard you knock the cup out of your hand.
  • When the nurse asks you to witness the cup being empty, insist that you have to stick your finger in there to "check it out for yourself."
  • When they call your name, walk to the counter looking really concerned. Calmly explain to the nurse that you haven't studied for this test, and want to know if there's any extra credit.
  • Put some water in your boot before the test. When you get to the peeing part, take off your boot, pour it into the cup, and shamefully say that you just couldn't wait.
  • Ask the observer to slap you on your rear-end a few times, just to get things going for you.
  • Bring a drink umbrella for your cup.
  • Since this person has probably seen a lot of people pee, ask him how you measure up.
  • Before you start, self-check for hernias (turn, cough, etc...)
  • Wear a condom. 

Urine Test
I and another man was taking a drug test for employment.
He relayed a true story to me of a man who once sought employment with him for another company.
This man was a drug user and needed to have some “pure” urine because he knew that his own would never pass the test.
He decided to get someone else to donate urine for him.
When the day came for him to submit his specimen, he carried his friend’s urine sample into the restroom with him in his pocket, and then submitted it in the place of his own.
A couple of days later, he received the following call from the lab: “Mr. Smith (substituted name), we have some good news for you. We have received the results of your test and your urine is pure; you are drug free and healthy. And by the way, you’re pregnant!”– Jose Matthew, 
Too Many Rules
They got too many rules on the job. I used to work at this restaurant called Cracker Barrel. I was a dishwasher in the restaurant, and I was a good dishwasher, but they had too many rules. The supervisor called me in the office one day, and he’s like, ‘Rod, we need you to take a drug test.’ And I was like, ‘Whoa, I took a drug test to get the job.’ And he was like, ‘No, this is a random drug test.’ And I was like, ‘Well, hell, you better pick somebody else, damn it. This is not a good day to do me. Don’t get me wrong, I can pass the test. I just need to study.’
– from RodMan,
Well, that was the lighter side of drug testing. If you really want to know how to pass a drug test, you should check out my article, How to Confidently Beat a Drug Test, as I believe it to be the best, most thorough article on the subject anywhere. Not because I wrote it, but because I researched it, I've been drug tested and I have passed drug tests. And because I know what I put into this article, as well as what I continue to put into this article, as I will develop it regularly and indefinitely, as long as changes and improvements come along.
Who knows, this article could outlive me.
Written By: Tom Retterbush
Email: [email protected]
Last Update: 3-23-2012
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All About Drug Testing, including Innovative and Funny new Ways to Pass a Drug Test

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