You better shut that Philly pie hole cuz Imma ’bout to get all Fake Kristie Ray on your fat a**, bitch.
Yo. Giaaanna! Over here! Have you seen my blue flip flops? They were in that Walmart bag with the Dr. Scholl’s pads.
Ok, then. And I see an easily accessible emergency exit over there. Good to know.
Kalani. OMG. Kalani. Kalani. OMG. Kalani. Kalani. OMG. Kalani. Kalani. OMG. Kalani. Whatever. So over it.
Oh, yeah! That hottie with the 1970′s porn moustache back there is so totally checking out Mama.
Yo…P. Diddy. Nice shades. You know we’re all inside the building now, right? How many did you have last night?
Me So Crazy.
Luck be a crazy lady tonight. Again.
Grab your cup of quarters and a cocktail, because it’s time to hit the slots.
I’d even wager a bet that the first person to get three Dance Moms to flip out in a row is gonna win big. Real big.
Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition served up Sin City Realness this week as the remaining dancers busted out show stopping routines in the hopes of getting one sickled foot closer to that elusive Joffrey Ballet scholarship.
Las Vegas. Abby’s go-to city for Theme Night.
After sending home booty pop-challenged Chloe and Mama Angela last week, the field of contestants was now down to nine.
Ten, if you count JoJo‘s iParty headgear, which I swear has taken on a life of its own as it increases in size, density and creativity with every new episode. I’m already growing a little bit concerned that if Honey Bow Bow Child does make it all the way to the Finals that she may actually be crushed under the weight of her self inflicted sassiness.
Like when the Frankenstein Monster turned on his creator at the end of the movie. But with less neck bolts and more lace and tulle. And slightly askew, of course.
I’m going to miss innocent little Chloe and those big eyeballs. But not as much as I’ll miss Mama raising her hands and going “MmmmMmmm” every time Richy Jackson gave feedback like he was some kind of warm cookie straight out of the oven.
MmmmMmmm. Those are some fine chocolate chips. Thank you, Nestlē Toll House.
As the gang all filed in for this week’s challenge, they were greeted by Abby and three of those dangling silk harness contraptions that Cirque du Soleil performers always swing around on while some random clown who can’t speak English drives by on a unicycle to the beat of a Celine Dion song.
For me? You’re all here for me?
(That joke is pointless if you’ve never seen Barbara Walters interview Celine.)
She’s Canadian, you know. Celine, I mean. And so is Cirque du Soleil, actually. But not Barbara. I don’t know what she is. But I know she’s on The View for a little bit longer.
As soon as she glimpsed the silks, Mom Sheryl got pretty excited for the TBoyz to get their swing on. They were so versatile and such quick learners that Mom could already picture them doing a two year run at Caesars.
All I could picture was at least one of them almost hanging himself by the waistband of his Toy Story pajamas while trying to jump from the top bunk too quickly at last month’s sleep over. I didn’t have a good feeling about these silks.
I’m sure the TBoyz will probably be heartbreakers when they sprout some facial hair, but right now they’re still trying to grow into their feet and heads like labradoodle puppies, so you pretty much knew how this one was going to play out for the Atwoods.
The Theme: Las Vegas.
The Skill: Flexibility of both mind and body.
The Challenge: Don’t crack your head open when you slip out of the silk hoop.
Right on cue, name droppin’/silk hoppin’ choreographer Shannon Beach came running into the studio (…still out of breath from a Justin Bieber concert or Katy Perry video shoot, no doubt…) to show the kiddos how to flip upside down without cutting off their oxygen supply.
This challenge was especially important, because the winner would get immunity from elimination. Just like on Project Runway. Which is a show that JoJo has clearly never watched, since she did not know what ‘immunity’ meant.
The kid can hot glue a hair bow that can be seen from Space, but she doesn’t know what ‘immunity’ means. At least the girl has the same priorities that I do.
As the Dangling Games began, Trinity‘s bad back was making her a little cranky, but she was working through the pain like a Boss.
Until Tina decided to storm the stage and get all Miss Saigon HelicopterHoverMom on her daughter, that is. Right in the middle of rehearsal.
OMG, Mom. Totz embarassing.
Clearly, Tina had waited until Week #4 to start letting some of her crazy leak out. Quiet as a samurai ninja for the first few episodes, you could tell she was going to be a handful this week.
Trinity just Wanted. To. Die.
Go. Away. Mom.
Not to be outdone in the Most Embarassing Mother Ever category, Gianna‘s Mom Cindy then decided to rise up on her own and try to get her daughter’s attention like she was flagging down the hotdog guy in the stands at a Philly softball game.
Psssst! Psssst! Giaaaaaaaaana! Over here! Over here!
OMG. Sit. Down. Mom. OMG.
Needless to say, the TBoyz were cut from the silk challenge at record speed, because they didn’t have Girly Hips.
Wait for it…
Never mind. I can’t.
I’m dying to make a joke, but boy dancers already get enough grief in gym class, so I’ll give them a pass this time. Follow your dreams, boys. And start wearing some damn name tags, because I have no clue who got cut first.
When it was all over, even though Trinity’s Mom had almost ripped the silks down from the rafters with her bare hands and dragged her baby straight back to the bus station, she ended up winning the challenge and was free to completely f*** up this week’s dance and still have a bed in the bungalow for at least 7 more days.
Time to rehearse.
As the kids were assigned routines, the Moms were out back getting in each other’s faces.
Proving that once you crack the seal you can’t cap the crazy bottle again, Tina stormed into the MomClubhouse with two stray costumes and proceeded to dump one on the arts & crafts table where the other Moms were slaving away like it was a GAP factory.
I know, right?
She dumped a costume right on the table where there could have been a woogie of moist glue just sitting and waiting to ruin some kid’s outfit.
Something klassy people don’t do. So call her Miss Rude and then sit back and watch her flap some crazy arms around the room.
Down the hall, the TBoyz and Kalani were working on their Rat Pack shoo bee doo wah dance. Kind of a Justin Timberlake meets Frank Sinatra mash-up.
Travis was having issues with his hat, which is pretty much a given for any Dance Moms production (…shout out to Chloe Lukasiak!…) as Kalani realized that she didn’t know how to hip hop. Tyler, on the other hand, kept assuring everyone that he had enough TSwag in just one of his labradoodle feet to make up for any of her weak spots.
You just keep telling yourself that, dude.
Also working on their routine in another one of those insane asylum padded wall cells was JoJo and Ally.
It was a magician’s assistant routine where JoJo would be transformed into a beautiful bird while Ally ran in circles trying to figure out how to dance like a man with biracial hair who was doing magic tricks in a crop top.
Yeah. You heard me.
For comic relief, we then headed across the hall to watch Haley and Gianna dancing in heels. Or if we’re being completely honest with each other, to watch Gianna dance in heels while Haley got a nosebleed.
Turns out that scaredy cat Haley had never worn heels and was having some…umm…issues, which were making everyone crazy. Mom Melanie was clearly relieved at first when she realized this was a sign from above that her daughter would never have the inner ear balance to be a drag queen or stripper pole ho. So that was a plus.
But for a $100,000 prize? Not cool.
Amazingly enough, Gianna was having much better luck werkin’ it in those heels, which was ironic considering that she is being raised by a Mom who probably wore flip flops to her Senior Prom.
Oh…and don’t worry. Abby busted Mom on those stubby piggly wigglies again.
Back out on the stage where the whole challenge started, Trinity and McKaylee were fine tuning their silk dancing techniques. Let’s just say that when you really watched them side by side and realized that McKayKay was 96% leg, it was a good thing Trinity was safe this week. She’s a patooty, but c’mon.
At some point in the evening, the Moms had gone out for cocktails and body shots on the Hollywood strip where wannabe Kristie Ray Kira had (…allegedly…) stated that she wasn’t there at AUDC for the money or the scholarship or the friendship or the comped bungalow.
According to Cindy, that is. Who’s from Philly.
True or not, Kira and Cindy decided to throw down in the back room the next day and somehow the argument shifted from Kira not needing cash to Kira’s Forever 21 mullet dress and fake boobs.
Cuz that’s how they fight in Philly, I guess.
By the time Cindy latched onto her own substantial boobage like you’d do if your plane was going down over the Atlantic and you were scrambling for the biggest, most buoyant seat cushion you could grab before impact, I forgot what they were even supposed to be fighting about in the first place.
What’s that old joke about ‘more than a handful…?’ Yowza.
On the other hand (…ful…) I did remember that I’ve always believed that after a certain age you should not even be allowed inside a Forever 21 unless you’re rescuing someone from a burning building. And even then, leave your credit cards outside.
Send your daughter inside with some cash and then wait in the Food Court like a good Mom before you make some bad fashion choices that might end up on national television. It’s 21 for a reason.
Finally, it was Showtime!
Richy was stylin’ in a gigantic ‘Richy Squirrel’ license plate necklace that kind of looked like what I imagine Flava Flav would wear in a mug shot. Rachelle and her Rak were busy being all sassy and stuff while Abby was being stalked from behind by some creeper in the audience who still thought men should rock porno moustaches.
The Magic Act routine had some flaws. JoJo wasn’t sassy enough, as if that was possible, and Ally’s Mom didn’t know to stuff her daughter’s top hat with foam to keep it out of her eyes.
Twenty three pounds of hair and that hat is still not high enough? Gah.
The High Heel Show Stoppers dance wasn’t high enough, so Rachelle felt it was necessary to come out from behind the judge’s table and show Haley and Gianna how to werk it in heels.
And it had to be seen to be believed.
Stomping it like out Naomi Campbell channeling RuPaul, Rachelle heel-toed her way upstage while screaming “Want Something!” as two little girls who just wanted boobs and sensible shoes tried to keep up with Miss Thang and her 8 feet of legs.
Want it. Own it. Boom I got your boyfriend!
The Rat Pack number was basically three dancers doing their own thing and calling it a trio. Richy was not happy with the TBoyz and pointed out that Kalani should have probably just skipped out on the whole dance and gone back to Forever 21 to return her neon Mom’s dress. Ouch.
The final dance of the evening was the silk swing, where McKaylee’s legs completely overpowered poor Trinity’s sickled feet. It’s called ‘immunity’ for a reason.
Phew.
The bottom two dancers ended up being Kalani and Ally.
And then Abby lost out to the majority vote and Kalani was sent home.
Kalani cried. Abby cried. Cindy did a happy flip flop dance.
Because sometimes you don’t win in Vegas, baby.
And then there were eight.
(Or ten if you count those two right there…)
I got your Philly hoagies right here, bitch.
Booyeah.
