I don’t know what kind of tea party you’re throwing, sister, but you need to switch to decaf.
Is she still behind me? Is she gone?
Girrrl, pleez. That weave. I just can’t. Ratchet.com much?
Oh he did NOT just go there with my new bunny tracks.
Bitches ain’t never late for important dates. Especially with two watches. Boom. The Truth.
Trust me. If this was Philly, I’d shove ‘em all down the damn hole and nobody’d ever find the bodies.
If that Flashdance chick doesn’t sit her a** down I’m gonna flip this table like a Real Housewife.
With apologies to Lewis Carroll…
We’re all mad here. So save those tears for your pillow and fix those damn rabbit feet.
You guessed it. Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition went Mad Hatter Bonkers this week as the Final Four tried to dance and claw their way out of the Bunny Chute and into next week’s Finale.
With a pretty healthy wad of cash and a Joffrey Ballet scholarship carrot dangling just out of reach, Kalani, McKaylee, Trinity and Giaaaaanna were headed into the last round of regular competition as wired as White Rabbits on Daylight Savings Time.
And don’t even get me started on the Moms yet.
It was Alice In Wonderland Day at the AUDC theater and Abby Lee Miller couldn’t wait to get started as the four remaining dancers filed in for the mini-challenge.
As soon as they rolled onto the dance floor it was clear that both the girls and their Moms were all feeling the pressure of the competition. A scholarship to the Joffrey Ballet is a pretty big deal. If you’re into that kind of thing, I mean. Not so much if you want to grow up and fix air conditioning units or trade stocks on Wall Street.
But if you are a dancer, it’s Go Joffrey or Go Home.
So the kids were freaking out a little bit. And the Moms were freaking out a lot a bit.
The theme: Down The Rabbit Hole. Head first.
The skill: Characterization. Feel the Bunny. Be the Bunny.
The challenge: Dance like the Bunny. And the Mouse. And the Queen.
The chance that Rachelle Rak‘s hair was going to do something Fierce before the episode was over: Count on it.
The winner of the latest challenge would be given the chance to stick it to all the other girls by assigning both the style of dance and the character they would portray in front of the judges. Which basically meant that you could either focus on their strengths, thereby giving your competition one last opportunity to shine in front of America, or let every other girl go complete Hot Mess on national television and then help them pack their bags to go home. Hmmm. Lemme think for a second.
Did somebody say ‘Joffrey?’
Tessandra Chavez led the girls through the characterization challenge rehearsal. I love the way the guest choreographer always runs out from behind that big sparkly wall like it’s the Tonight Show or something. Next season they should totally have Ricky Minor and the Band play a little intro ditty before every challenge.
Maybe Mom Cindy could even skooch down a little on her slouchy comfy chair and make some room for Nicole Kidman.
It didn’t take long for Tess to get it done. Shoulder. Shoulder. Cutesie. Cutesie.
Which, coincidentally enough, are the exact same words that silently go through my head every day as I walk down the street.
You Better Werk, Bitch on your way to CVS.
The four girls Busted. It. Out. for the chance to win the last mini-challenge.
First as the White Rabbit. Say buh bye, Trinity. Bad rabbit foot. You might want to just cut that thing off and turn it into a keychain.
Then as the Door Mouse, where McKaylee step ball chained on the wrong foot and got the boot. I know, right? You’ve only got two feet. How hard can it be?
Then Kalani and Giaaaaanna battled it out as the Queen of Hearts until Philadelphia represented and Cindy’s girl took the top prize.
Philly in the house, yo.
Forty five minutes later, Cindy had finally decided what girl was going to get what style of dance. Forty five minutes. I swear. I literally did two loads of laundry and wrote out all my Christmas cards before Cindy got her shiz together on that homework assignment.
Giaaaaanna wanted to give each girl their favorite dance and let them have one last moment in the spotlight, but Cindy wanted to hang them all out to dry like her pajama bottoms on the clothesline. And she’s the Mom. So it was time to sabotage some dancing, kids. Get psyched.
Trinity got stuck with a lyrical Alice routine, choreographed by Miss Thang Tarua Hall, who finally took off that furry collared jacket and got down to bidnezz.
As part of Cindy’s Master Plan, Trinity the gymnast was suddenly forced to create long, lean, flowing lines and not clunk her way through the entire dance like she was trying to get a 9.9 from the Russian judge.
We love Trinity and her mad balance beam skills, as well as that big, smiley mouthful of braces. I think it’s a contractual thing that any child involved in an Abby Lee Miller production has to have feet and teeth that need straightening.
Am I lying? Name one kid on Dance Moms who’s not rocking the metal mouth chrome dome right now. Been there. Done that.
Giaaaaanna gave herself a jazz inspired Mad Hatter dance during the mini-challenge, choreographed by Matt Cady. Show me Love. Show me Face.
As certifiably cray cray as her Mom is, I was feeling pretty confident that Giaaaaanna would nail the insanity portion of the routine.
Oh, Cindy. You and your cheese steaks.
Down the hall…and the Rabbit Hole…were Kalani and Victor Rojas, working on her manic White Rabbit hip hop dance.
OhMyGod. OhMyGod. OhMyGod. I’m late! I’m late! I’m like wicked late!
In the most hyperest (…is that even a word?…) Tardy for the Party meltdown evah broadcast on television, Victor ran in frantic circles showing Kalani how someone must look when they’re reading their first at-home pregnancy test and realizing that they just missed the last rush hour metro train home from college all at the same time.
While dropping acid and drinking espresso straight from the Keurig nozzle.
It was Spaztastic.
For you Toddlers & Tiaras groupies, it was Go-Go Juice with a Tinker Tea chaser.
Three. Two. One. Ba. Zing.
Since Kalani had been eliminated the last time that she attempted hip hop (…saved only by one of those blingy CallBack Cards the following morning…) she was a little stressed out. And late, of course. Very late.
Back in the Arts & Crafts Room, Moms Cindy and Shari were going another round or two as they hot glued stuff to other stuff. It was basically a bunch of sparkly fabric, Joan Rivers reading glasses and some stressed out ladies bickering like they had just stolen each other’s Bingo markers. Meow.
With Honey Bow Bow JoJo no longer in the building, Cindy had moved on to the next piece of fresh meat in her quest for $100, 000. She’s not in it to make friends, in case there was any confusion.
The last little dancer to get some rehearsal time was McKaylee and her modern funk Cheshire Cat lip sync routine.
Ooops, She Did It Again.
That girl does like to lip sync. A lot. No matter how many times Matt Cady and Abby Lee tell her to knock it off.
Let’s be honest. We’ve all been guilty of busting out a little Debbie Boone in the elevator at some point in our lives, but when we’re talking $100, 000 I’d duct tape that thing shut until the check clears.
Matt wanted McKayKay to channel a sad kitty who had just lost her family and all her chew toys in a tragic wood chipper accident, which was a little odd considering that all the Cheshire Cat did in the movie was smile. I think he was just trying to trick McKaylee into keeping her mouth shut, if you really want to know my opinion. But whatever gets the job done and pays the rent, right?
Mom Shari had to unleash a little Dr. Phil on her daughter at this point, because McKaylee’s ball of yarn started to unravel after she was busted once again for her characterization and karaoke mouth. Talk to me. What are you feeling? How long have you felt this way? Lean in and tilt your head.
They’re from Nebraska, you know.
Which sounds pretty irrelevant, but they’ve said it so many times over the last few weeks that I feel it must be important for some reason that I’m just not seeing right now.
Not to be outdone in the stressed out Mom category, Kira then decided it was her turn to blow a slight nutty on Kalani, who she felt was suddenly giving up on the whole competition with only one week to go.
No I’m not. Yes, you are. Nuh Uh. Yes, you are. Teen age angst. Lame Mom talk. Then somebody called somebody a brat and somebody else did a bunch of OMG eye rolls.
Finally, it was Showtime!
My boy Kevin Manno was all SkinnyPants, finger points and darn psyched to be in the hizzle the week before Finals. I bet he dances like that at the club. Like he’s whipping out invisible pistols at the saloon. Check it out, girls. KaPow! Straight to the heart.
Richy Jackson was wearing another one of those vests that would slow down everything at an airport security checkpoint and Rachelle brought her glitter princess wand from home for some reason.
There has to be some kind of off-screen competition going on between the two of them to see who can be the most crazy at the table. There has to be. I bet there’s even an office pool between all the camera guys.
Backstage, the Moms were in complete nuclear meltdown mode and already driving their children off the deep end before the party even started.
First up was McKaylee, who was pushed on stage by Shari with a motivational “Crawl out like a Cat,” which she unfortunately misinterpreted as “Mouth it like Britney.”
Yeah. She did it again. But just a little this time.
Luckily, Shari’s floor show off in the wings distracted the judges from most of the lip synching. I love when the Moms really get into the dance. I’m not sure if Shari was taking her SATs are passing a stone, but she was focused like a soldier with night vision goggles.
Behind the scenes, Giaaaaanna was having some issues with her Johnny Depp Mad Hatter headgear. Why she waited until 30 seconds before her performance to try on the hat…I dunno…but now she was going totz freakazoid that the whole thing was not going to stay on her head.
She lost it. Then Mom lost it. Then she tested out a wimpy fake half-jump. Then they blurred out Cindy’s potty mouth and I remembered that I forgot to set my DVR for the new season of Mob Wives.
I swear to Gawd, if I ever get stuck in an elevator with Cindy and Big Ang my head’s gonna (bleepin’) explode all over the (bleepin’) walls like a (bleepin’) water balloon.
One of them is from Philly, you know.
When Giaaaaanna finally hit the stage, Richy gave her the finger and Rachelle pretty much had a moment of Fierceness that would make Beyoncé jealous.
And that’s why you should always sew your weaves in, kids. Just saying.
Next up was Kalani and some serious bunny ears, poppin’ and locking’ and prayin’ that she wouldn’t blow this round of hip hop in front of Abby. She managed to score a finger wave from Richy and some sort of Toddlers & Tiaras chest pop from Rachelle.
T&T reference #2 if you’re counting. Bring my show back, TLC. Or else.
Last up was my girl Trinity who popped up from behind a gigantic storybook that reminded me of Project Runway and made me realize that I watch way too much reality television.
You could tell that she was fighting the Dark Side the entire time and was dying to do a backwards somersault into a blah blah handspring into a double tuck blah blah with a whatchamacallit 2 point landing.
But she didn’t.
Richy and Rachelle didn’t find too much fault in the routine, but Abby called it a huge let down. Which made everybody cry.
Backstage, Trinity pretty much cut Cindy off at the stubby knees for setting all the kids up to fail and then the whole room went full-on Wonderland Bonkers. Crying. Yelling. Accusations. Random characters in crooked hats running around stepping on rabbits.
You name it.
Luckily, Kevin called everyone back onstage before anyone lost an eye.
And then nobody went home.
Wha–? Nobody?
Abby wasn’t gonna let some Dance Mom decide the fate of her kids. Puhleez.
Everybody was coming back next week! Psych!
Which meant that there were still four players in the game.
Because fairy tales do come true. At least this week.
Everybody made it out of the rabbit hole alive and headed into the Finals.
It was madness, I tell you.
Madness.
