Humor Magazine

A Letter to the Guy on the Dry Erase Board at the Container Store

By Dianelaneyfitzpatrick

Dear John,

I don't know you and you don't know me, but I saw your note to Anne on the dry erase board at the Container Store and I'm concerned. What exactly is going on with you guys?

I can only conclude by the first name basis that you and Anne are married or have some type of live-in relationship, co-habitating lovers at the least. If she was a casual girlfriend you wouldn't be leaving her notes on the dry erase board. You can't be simple roommates or you wouldn't have a say-so in when she comes home. What would you care, if Anne-the-roommate got home at 10:15, 11:30 or in a worst case scenario, when the bars closed at 2:30? I thought for a while that Anne might be your sister, but again, why would you need her home at 10? That hour of the night is too late to start a Netflix series that you might be watching together and it's certainly too late to be having a party or something.

No, Anne has got to be your wife. And this note is snippy and hints at some underlying problems. Anne is not a child, or she wouldn't be allowed to stay out that late. So I don't think you should treat her like one.

Dry erase boards are meant to be cheerful, homey reminders that we live in a world where there are family dinners to buy ingredients for, Saturday potlucks where you bring lasagna, dentist appointments on Tuesday, piano lessons cancelled on Thursday afternoons, and Brad called and your car will be ready tomorrow! Anne didn't pay $24.99 for the Talk Bubble Magnetic White Board at the Container Store for you to order her home like a Chinese takeout.

Your tone, as cold as ice and frankly somewhat threatening, can be read between those three lines. ANNE and JOHN in all caps. Those careful, elongated letters of yours scream "need to control." Also "art major." And what's with the period after your name? That is a wrath-laden punctation mark if I ever saw one. Unless you're running for president, any attempt to claim a punctuation as an attachment to your name just isn't going to work.

Unless Anne has a drinking problem or a history of picking up men in bars or blacking out and turning into her alternate personality, Ayn, shouldn't you just let her set her own curfew? Are you worried about Anne's safety and well being? Is that what's happening here? If so, do you really think a terse but beautifully penned note on the dry erase board is going to do the trick? I would think an intervention or a phone call to her cell at 9:50 pm might be a safer alternative. You can catch more flies with honey, John. You can catch more flies with honey.

If you cared at all about Anne, you would drop the passive-aggressive attitude from your dry erase marker use and approach Anne with a more open, positive manner.

"Hey hon, when will you be home? Can't wait to see you!" "Hitting the sack at 10:30 tonite - hope you're home in time to tuck me in (wink wink)!" Any of those work. Or: "Anne, I'll be home at 10pm. John."

OK, John, I've got to wrap this up. Please disregard this letter.

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