- The ever so common , use the toilet alone. This means with no one outside the locked door screaming for a snack. No fingers under the door, no toddler at your feet begging to breastfeed.
- Drink your morning coffee HOT, not lukewarm while your chasing your toddler trying to reapply diaper rash cream for the 7th time.
- Paint your nails. As soon as you do, some one will get into the paper towel roll. You will have to use your fresh nails to take it out of your toddlers hands before she flushes the entire roll down the toilet. Now you have red nails with a little white accent color. Oh and they are ruined.
- Leave an unattended laundry basket on the floor, full of folded clothing. Need I say more?
- Shower alone, I like to wash my own butt thank you daughter. This goes for my husband too. Shower time should be alone time. Amen.
- In relation to number 5, have sex uninterrupted. Fun sex that could last for hours, but alas someone wakes up with a poop, a bad dream or a tummy ache. Sex stops, and when it starts back up again you call it quits until tomorrow. Tomorrow doesn’t happen either.
- Brush your teeth alone. With no tiny hand ” helping ” you brush, while shoving the brush down your throat.
- Take a nap. I mean a good, drool on your pillow nap. REM cycle sleep.
- Spend hours in Target planning the rest of your Fall wardrobe without having to pay for endless slushies and popcorn as bribery to stay in the freaking cart.
- Check out at the grocery store without having to say no to the gigantic candy bar your toddler now holds in his hand , begging you for it’s goodness. If you eat that I’m leaving you here. I love you.
- Openly eat chocolate, without having to hide in closets, pantries or outside.
- Read a magazine long enough to read at least the first article. Even if that article is three sentences.
- Go to book clubs without pretending you read the book. You couldn’t read the book because your toddler wouldn’t go to bed at suggested hour. The hour you were supposed to be reading. Then you fell asleep drinking wine on your sofa.
- Change a tampon without having to explain the female anatomy to a two year old. It’s weird.
- Stay for the whole party. Any party. Toddlers last about 2 hours anywhere stationary before they become wild animals.
- Wear white shirts, pants, shoes. It’s just dangerous.
- Wear a sexy dress that requires no bra. After child birth this is no longer attractive. In fact, it scares people.
- Buy a pregnancy test with your toddler in the cart without people staring in judgment. ” Do you know what causes this ma’am?’ … I’m not sure, but I’ll keep practicing until I figure it out.
- Get your hair done more than twice a year. At this point my hair looks like a homeless hippie man.
- Leave scissors within a normal person’s reach. I have to climb up on top of the counter to retrieve them. This could be slightly more dangerous than a toddler with scissors, but regardless I must do it. I value their hair, eyes and fingers.
- Look at Pinterest without feeling like the worst mom ever, while you hand your kid a crayon and a Target receipt to write on.
- Make salad for dinner. Just salad, and wine.
- Watch the movies that have been on your Netflix queue for a year now. Instead you turn on Daniel Tiger, only to find out he has a baby sister now? What the heck, I did NOT get an announcement.
- Blow dry your hair ALL the way, not just the top. I mean the back too, before your daughter starts practicing her makeup applying skills IN her eye. Not on.
- sit
I wouldn’t change this life if I could. But you have to admit, all 25 are on point.
They will find you
