Making lists is an incredibly geeky thing to do. Seriously, it pre-supposed that you not only have a stupidly large and completely arbitrary knowledge of something, but also that you care enough to rank that thing. It’s super nerdy. I realized this, of course, while standing in a 45 minute line to get into the new Star Trek movie while discussing with my friends the finer points of how Wrath of Kahn was an amazing meditation on aging. So, lets just celebrate our inner nerdiness with the geekiest rock songs in the history of the galaxy (just this galaxy, not any far, far away ones). Before we start, some caveats: there are no parody songs because otherwise it would be the “10 Best Weird Al Songs” and these songs skew towards my own geekiness. To all those people who want to fight with me about my lack of video game related tracks I say, “whatever, nerd.”
10. “Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots”
A little Japanese girl takes a lot of vitamins and fights the giant pink robots that are coming to destroy us. I would watch the shit out of that movie.
9. “16 Military Wives”
Alright, alright you caught me — the song itself isn’t that geeky, but damn the music video is. To understand why this holds such a close place in my heart, you have to understand that I super did Model UN in High School and College (yes, in college too), and that it holds a very special place in my heart. The song itself is The Decemberists’ critique of American international policy, but the video is a lovely story about High School MUN — even if they don’t follow parliamentary procedure at all. Besides, I can’t tell you the amount of times I said, “The United Stated moves to declare war on The Grand Duchy of Luxembourg” in my time. Oh, memories.
8. “Common People”
Let’s examine the lines of geekiness here, shall we? The once and future Captain Kirk, William Shatner, covers a song by Jarvis Cocker, who is known for his extremely literary pop songs, and Ben Folds, who is known for being a giant nerd about silly things like a capella, produced the track. So these three men made this song. Tell me it’s not super geeky, I dare you.
7. “Matter Eater Lad”
Matter Eater Lad is actually a real super hero in the DC Universe and member of the Legion of Heroes. He eats matter, obviously. Guided by Voices wrote a song about how he was mad. It’s great.
6. “The Geeks Were Right”
I take this song to mean that the future is basically a mix between Star Trek and Blade Runner. Awesome new from The Faint.
5. “E.T.”
This song is about Doctor Who even if Katy Perry doesn’t know it’s about the Doctor. She sings about someone who’s “from a whole other world, a different dimension”. Is that world Gallifrey, Katy? Is the other dimension the TARDIS’ inside? He’s also “supersonic” like the Doctor’s screwdriver and could be the devil or an angel, depending on whether you’re talking to a Dalek or most of the human race. The only thing that could make it more about the Doctor is if she started saying “Bad Wolf” or “run you clever boy, and remember” over and over.
4. “Intergalactic”
Technically, this song is included because of the Star Trek reference in the last line, “like a pinch on the neck from Mr Spock,” and anything that references the Vulcan nerve pinch is pretty geeky in my book. In addition to that killer Star Trek reference, the video features a robot that’s so awesome I kind of want a tattoo version. The robot also spends most of his time doing the robot.
3. “The Rains of Castamere”
You guys, The National covered a song from Song of Ice and Fire, the last season of Game of Thrones. It’s a sad song that’s even more fucking sad (OMG!!!) if you’ve read the books, detailing how the Lannisters will basically kill everyone in your family, including women and children, if you screw with them.
2. “Ramble On”
The best geeky songs sound totally normal and only reveal their inner geekiness upon further listening. At first glance “Ramble On” is a perfectly normal Led Zeppelin song, complete with an awesome bass line, crazy guitar riffs and pitch perfect Robert Plant yelling. Of couse, in the third verse, things go all the way to Middle Earth, mentioning both Gollum and Mordor. Plant and Page don’t seem to really understand the plot of Lord of the Rings – it wasn’t a search for a pretty lady, it was the search for The Ring of Power! And Gollum isn’t evil; he’s misunderstood! But I’ll give the Greatest Rock Band a pass.
1. “In the Garage”
Here’s a quick list of the nerdy things that are mentioned in the geekiest song by the geekiest modern bad, Weezer: a dungeon masters guide, a 12 sided die, Kitty Pryde (not the rapper, the X-Man) and Nightcrawler too and KISS posters, specifically posters of Ace Freley and Peter Criss. It touches on so many aspects of geek culture, from comics to D&D and also gets across that it can be kinda lonely. After all, even in a world where people are defining themselves more and more by the niches the love, it can still be cause for ridicule. So geeks, wear your badges proud like Rivers Cumo and Co. — I obviously do.
”Ballad of Bilbo Baggins”
It seemed unfair to even put this pristine example of perfect song craft in the same league as these other, lesser, songs. So, as a special bonus, I give you the geek song Ring of Power, Excaibur and Millennium Falcon: Leonard Nimoy’s “The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins” from the album Mr. Spock’s Muisc from Outer Space. You…are…welcome.
