Humor Magazine

Your Monday Funnies: 20.10.14

By Davidduff

This first one is a corker - thanks, Andra:

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.  Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros.  He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.  He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything.  Not like me.  I change a fuse and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.  But Brian, he never made a mistake and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.  He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes polished too.  He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his bloody widow."

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A disgraceful slur on the proud Welsh race: 

A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.  Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. 

Looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island. 

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set. 

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance. 

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Welshman.  Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and... put his arm around it. 

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. 

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling. 

A few more months passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.  The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen.  She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.

When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual.  It was another beautiful evening... red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. 

Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get 'those feelings' again. 

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and, realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear, 

'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'

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More blatent blondism - sorry! 

A blonde heard that bathing in milk would make her beautiful. 

She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. 

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.  He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons.  So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. 

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk.  Did you mean 2.5 gallons?" 

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons.  I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again." 

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?" 

Wait for it ... 

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits ... I can splash it on my eyes!"

You are allowed a titter for that one but not too loud, the boss might hear!

 


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