You Might Be a "New Republican" If... (installment 216)

Louisiana Governor Bobby "Deer in Headlights" Jindal as well as some other notable Republicans have begun a new add campaign in which they say things like, "If you believe in allowing people to breathe, you might be a New Republican."  In short, they make-up some sort of non-conflict, like believing in "free enterprise", claim to be on the side EVERYONE is already on the side of, and then say it's a sign of how you might in fact be closer to the party of "them vs. us" than you think if you believe in this obviously supportable concept.
Now, beyond trying to suggest anyone who isn't a "New Republican" believes in using pitchforks on children - this line of advertising while initially looking to me as a bit clever, on further review strikes me as foolish in the extreme.  Much like many epic failures Jindal has undertaken in Louisiana, he appears to not have looked very far down the road, because this line of BS can be used so easily to draw out the substantive differences between Republicans and the rest of us.  In fact, I'm struck by the uncanny similarity between this line of advertising and comedian Jeff Foxworthy's line of jokes which run "You might be a Redneck if.."  The irony is even deeper in that so many of the "rural, gun-tottin' types" who might well be called "rednecks" also happen to.. yep, you guessed it, vote Republican.
So, with that in mind, and will all due credit to Mr. Foxworthy, here are my observations..

• You might be a redneck New Republican if you think the 14 year-olds carrying large capacity magazine, assault rifles are a responsible solution to mass shootings
• If you believe we should invade Iran, you might just be a New Republican
• If  you also believe the United States should not get itself involved in nation building you might be a New Republican
• If you believe that the phrase "Kill 'em all, let God sort 'em out" perfectly defines the proper US approach to foreign policy, you might be a New Republican
• You might be a New Republican if you think the US should erect a 2500 mile electrified fence to stop all illegal immigration especially if you immediately claim you don't understand how government spending got so out of control
• If you believe private property rights allow someone, in their place of business open to the public, discriminate against minorities, including usurping constitutional protections against discrimination, you just might be a New Republican
• If you believe your 2nd amendment constitutional right overrides someone's private property rights in their place of business, you just might be and very likely are a New Republican (no kidding, they really do, including believing that they have right to carry a firearm into my business even if I tell them they cannot).
• If you believe the not giving business executives more pay will kill job creation, because failing to do so will cause a brain drain, you just may be a New Republican
• If you believe the poor and the middle-class demanding more equal pay after watching productivity go up 50% while their wages remained flat (or worse), is unfair and will kill job creation, you might be a New Republican
• If you believe men ought to have Viagra covered by insurance, even though the men who need it aren't normally of child creating age, while at the same time you profess that birth control is immoral because it interferes with the primary purpose of sex (namely procreation) - and so it should not be covered under religious grounds, you might be a New Republican
• You might be a New Republican if you believe that the reason your taxes are "so high" is because lazy blacks don't understand the "blessings of work"
• If you believe 47% of Americans are "takers", you might be a New Republican, especially if you or your parents ever took a check from Social Security, an annuity program they paid into all their lives to receive (or as you would call it, take from).
• If you think the only people who "create" jobs are the CEO's of the world, you might be a New Republican - but I suggest you never say that to a farmer or a small business owner
• If you think that by handing more money to the corporate leaders of the world, that it will magically flow down to you in the form of higher paying jobs - in short that they'll share MORE than they do right now because they'll happily pay you more in this new job than they do in a crappy one - you not only might be a New Republican, you might very well be a drunk New Republican

Well, that's it for this installment.  Feel free to share you own.  Comments welcome, tune in next week for the next installment.