You Don't Understand. You Don't Have Kids.

I'm a Momish with no biological or adopted children of my own.  This makes this parent(ish) thing new to me.  I write this blog not because I'm an expert but rather in the hopes that together we can figure out how to be better stepparents to the great young people in our lives.  I'm actually far from being an expert.  However, I'm managing ok and learning as I go each and every day.
As I've shared in my blog post, Just the Stepmom, there are things you shouldn't say to a stepmom.  Suggesting she's "just the stepmom" is one of them.  The close runner up is "You don't understand.  You don't have kids."  As I did in the prior post, I'm going to choose to believe that anyone who says this is simply naive and misinformed.  Allow me to share with you why this is such a horrible thing to say.
First of all, you're exactly right (at least about part of it).  I don't have kids.  Whether it was by choice or by consequence I don't have biological or adopted children.  However, that does not make me less of a person or less of a stepparent.  It doesn't mean I lack understanding or am unable to love.  It doesn't make me desperate or impatient either.  It's simply a fact.  I don't have children of my own and it is not necessary for you to remind me of such things.
Yes, it's different when you have children of your own.  I get that.  In fact, I probably have a depth of understanding of how different it actually is that is far deeper than people who actually have children.  Why? Because I've been the one learning to navigate life, love, a parents who wanted grandchildren, and the pursuit of happiness without children while the rest of my peers were bringing one cooing bundle of joy after another into the world.  So yes, I understand that I don't have children.
I also understand that being a great parent has very little to do with giving birth and everything to do with giving your all to raise children with love and devotion.  As it turns out, you don't have to have a working uterus or stellar sperm to give love and devotion to a child.  You do however need an open heart and a willingness to try your hardest to provide, teach, and lead a young person in the way they should go.   Even the bible speaks to this in Proverbs 22:6 "Teach a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not turn from it."  Note that it doesn't say that you have to have children to be able to teach a child.
So the next time you're talking to someone like me and you find yourself thinking "You don't have children.  You don't understand."  Please stop and remember that the only way someone learns is by having a teacher.  Be willing to encourage and assist stepparents.  Lend a hand, an ear, or a shoulder to cry on.  Just like the parents you know, they need all the help they can get.