So the inevitable has happened, an invitation to my school reunion has landed on my door mat (not literally, but facebook doesn't really have a door mat). And I'm not going. Because of how I look.
Yeah I really did say that, and before you close the page, thinking well she is a fraud, hear me out.
When I left school in 2003 I was 11 stone and a size 14/16......12 years later I'm nearer 19 stone and a size 22. Back then I counted calories like a crazy woman, exercised for hours a day all because I could pinch an inch. I was unhappy in my own skin and thought that being slim was the only way I could be happy.
Now in my extra-large body, I am comfortable in my own skin and 99% of the time I will rock it, rolls and all, in some fabulous dresses.
Going to my school reunion might rob me of this.
A few years ago I attended the funeral of a family friend, who also worked at the school, some the teachers attended. I went to say hello to my head of year after the ceremony as I hadn't seen her in years. Her reaction to me was not what I expected, the first word out of her mouth where 'my you've gotten big' and the look of shock and surprise on her face lasted only a second, and was replaced with an awkward laugh but it hurt. Even now I wince a bit at the thought of it. Not because I am ashamed of my body, but because how that is how others see and judge me.
I do not want to attend an event where my success as a human being is based on how I look, not the fact I have two degrees and started a PhD, I have a good job, or that I'm actually a decent person.
As a woman my worth in society is valued only if I look the part, which I do not. I do not want the pity looks or people's sympathy because they think I let myself go and that my life must be sad. No one was yet put a ring on it - 'because I'm fat' - my uterus lay barren - 'because I'm too fat to get someone to have sex with me - however I have mastered of the womanly virtue of baking, I literally ate all the pies. These are not thoughts, or verbalisations i want in my life.
It's a form of self-care, self-love even, my confidence and contentment with my life does not need others to validate it, or cast dispersions on it. So on that evening, I will be at home, probably eating a cake.
Becky x
