When Cynicism Meets Hope – and They Mate.

When cynicism meets hope – and they mate.

I’ve always known how I felt about relationships.

Besides the obviously peachy parts, you know, the cuddles and the kisses, the sleepovers and the snogging, I never really held much hope for a love that would stand the test of time, prove to be truly unbreakable and outweigh the negatives and the heartbreak that goes so cosily hand-in-hand with a Serious Romance.

When faced with a decision, I’ve deliberately sabotaged relationships with promise, by convincing myself that I’m too young to be held down, too independent to have to answer to anyone else – too guarded to let anyone else in. It seems like the easier option. You don’t get hurt and you never know who else is out there, and how are you supposed to meet Mr. Right when you’re spending all of your time off the shelf with Mr. I-guess-he’ll-do?

Yep, I was quite content with my single status. And my much spare time for writing this ‘ere blog, seeing my girlfriends, hunting for the next best male thing. I even ignored the pestering little niggle deep down that did believe in true love, yeah the one my friend Joey knows I’ve had all along – I shooshed it good and proper. That was, of course, until around two weeks ago.

Have you ever started to watch a television show and become completely enthralled? I mean completely sucked into their world? I never have before, which is why when I started watching (don’t laugh) Dawson’s Creek right around Christmas time, I was shocked at the less than ecstatic mood I was left in post-episode, as it dawned on me that boys just aren’t like Pacey and Dawson, they weren’t when I was 16 and they sure as hell aren’t now.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not a total fool. I know these are fictional characters. They don’t actually exist, but I think I was so sad because I just wished that they did. I’d love to be challenged with some big words and quick wips, some moonlit romance and hey, even a paddle down the creek if that happened to float my boat at the time.

So now, here I am. Completely conflicted. As relationships around me are breaking down all the time, my belief in the reality of relationships’ success rate is secured, yet here I am pining for my own great love, and coming up empty whenever I even think of where to start looking for it.

I love being single, but I want a great love. It feels as though i’m in the middle of a big tug’o'war and neither side is winning i’m just dangling in the middle like a confused piece of rope (why are these stupid humans pulling me in different directions anyways?)

It sucks, at least when I was a total pessimist I could sleep at night, without these dreams of the perfect guy with his hand-built ‘True Love’ boat and fixation with the open seas. A guy who’s declarations of love are so good, they almost seem scripted… D’oh.

When cynicism meets hope – and they mate.