What's Not Working for Me

I have had some good realizations about myself, my business, and my blogging in the past few weeks.  Today, I read back over some of my posts - and it was eye opening.  I want to be an example of someone who is an integral member of the HAES(Health at Every Size) community, and yet MANY of my posts mentioned my weight, scales, wanting to lose weight, etc.  How's that working for me??
The blogs I love to read, and the people I love to be around are cheerful(for the most part) upbeat, positive, BALANCED individuals.  Every woman I know is aware of her weight; what it was, what it is now, what she wants it to be in the future, etc.  However, not all women let it rule their lives, and give obsessive thought to it day in and day out.  It is ideal to live life in a body you feel healthy and strong in, and that can happen at a variety of shapes and sizes - but it's not easy.  The mind is a powerful master...
I have a history of success and failure on diets, and I have thought for a long time(and been told by many) that OA is where I would find help.  I figured it was true, after all - I truly struggle with saying no to certain foods, I binge, etc.  I gave it an honest effort - but all the while I resisted my gut instincts.  I REALLY struggle to listen to my own inner wisdom, I assume others must know what's best for me, and I let that taint what I know to be true for myself.  Pretty soon, I can't decipher what's my idea, or what people have told me for years that I've adopted as my own... A perfect example of this is; fat = unhealthy, bad, lazy, dumb, unlovable, incapable.  Those ideas, while believed by me at times, I assure you - did NOT originate in my head.  I have spent many years working to get the old messages out, and the new, more positive messages in...
My struggles with OA from day one, were as follows;
1) I do not want to announce myself as a Compulsive Overeater again and again and again.  To me, it keeps me stuck in the belief that I am that - and I am so much more than that.
 
2) I have to buy into a belief that I have a disease, an incurable, deadly disease.  Again, having that belief is powerful - but not in a good way.
 
3) Most people in OA believe that certain foods are the issue - and some form of abstinence must be obtained.  Put all the "recovery" words you want around it, but to me, it still spells diet.
4) I HATED that people who weren't in  OA(or didn't "need" it) were reffered to as "normies".  Even in literature, others were described as "normal eaters."  Ummmm I'm pretty sure that people who struggle to find peace in their bodies are the norm these days, and again, how does it benefit my psyche to consider myself abnormal???
I was already scared to walk away from the meetings after a few months - I thought, "What if it's my disease convincing me to leave, what if I'm not being honest with myself?"  I started to believe I needed the organization to be healthy, just like I believed I needed a diet plan to be healthy.  Neither is true.
Some of you reading this may be getting your hackles up, feeling all kinds of defensive of OA, or your diet.  Let me just remind you; I encourage EVERYONE to find their OWN path - and no one path is less valid than another.  This blog is for me to share MY journey - and for me, OA and diets, leave me feeling dependent, abnormal, and cut off from life.  That is MY experience, and I share it here for those who can relate.
Here I am, committing to the thing that I come back to again and again; sharing my experience and knowledge through this blog.  Putting my struggles out there for people to read, and judge - is anything but easy, but I do it first because it is my medicine, and second - because I hope that it can be yours.  If nothing else, may it make you think - because isn't that what life is about?  Freedom of choice, and an ability(and willingness) to understand myself, and others, is what is working in my life.