This might end up a long post – I apologize. I want to say this right.
Sophie at this moment is hysterically yelling she is going to jump of the balcony. That she wants to self-harm. Will is on suicide watch (STILL) because he has a date (which is getting closer), but says nothing much about it unless pressed.
A friend has advised that “If they are going to commit suicide then that’s just the way it is”. Inference – watching them is a waste of time as they will do it anyway. Get on with your life. Your kid might not be serious if it’s been this long.
Others have clearly shared we should be past this – I mean how long do you have to suicide watch for? Aren’t you over-doing it? They haven’t sat in the psychiatrist, psychologist, counselor or GP appointments we have had. They don’t see the continued concern and worry from the professionals. As they said, you don’t leave anything to chance.
Young people don’t often have plans as such in the way medical and media put out there. They are seriously depressed or anxious to the point they often not want to have a future or life, but most don’t have an actual suicide plan. Some have loose plans but not a definite “I am going to do this”. And yes, there are some who do have a definite plan or plans. Often the suicide or attempt at suicide is based purely on impetuousness or a bad day on medication. Its a ‘spur of the moment’ so to speak. Something strongly affected them or happened that pushed them to the edge. The ‘event’ just underlines all they are feeling and they act immediately up on. On the spur of the moment, they grab medication, drugs, jump etc to just “not wake up” to “not be here”. They don’t even wait to be alone or have no one at home.
Where do you jump as a parent?
First. Sophie is loud and out there. By expressing herself in the way she has, I know fairly accurately that she will be ok. Once past the outburst and getting the emotion out (read dumping onto mum), then the real chance of her doing anything other than self-harm is very slim. She will warn me – that is Sophie’s way. It doesn’t mean I don’t believe her emotions are really that bad and she feels that awful about life. It means that I understand her way of communicating.
Second. Will, in being silent and not saying anything is the one to watch. He has plans but doesn’t act on them as yet. He has a date but ‘might be flexible’. His anxiety though when pushed to the limit by an ‘event’ means he is the exact candidate to do the ‘impetuous’ behavior. He just wants the voice and the bad feelings to stop – and instantly.
Given that, what is our role as parents and carers? Be on watch, regardless and always. Have someone there as much as possible. Let schools know and have a safety plan. If your child has been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, eating disorders, or some other mental health illness and there is a risk of suicide (even small), your role is to be on guard. Don’t take it lightly. The kids who survive an attempt are the ones who have someone around to get them to help, or stop them attempting. You don’t ever be complacent about a suicide wish – the regret will devastate you. Both my kids, but particularly Will (and he still does) had a safety plan whilst at school. If away from school or home, his next backup plan was to promise to contact me immediately. And he has several times.
On a personal note, this has come close to home with those I know. The fact the parents are on hand during the moment of impetuousness has been the life saver. Parents who have been ‘wired’ into how their child’s mental health is, means the child will turn to them or friends of the child will tell the parents. The constant being there of the parent/carers in some shape or form is the clincher. Other personal stories I know, are the same ‘spur of the moment’ suicide attempts as I have described. Half an hour earlier they have no suicide plans, an ‘event’ happens, they find the quickest way to kill themselves.
For me it means not leaving Will alone. It means checking in on Sophie as many times are I can given the kilometres between us. Watching late teenagers, young adults isn’t easy. They want independence. So watching become a subtle thing. Just being there, or having if you can’t, having someone the child trusts and allows into their life to be there. It certainly isn’t something you just hand over to just anyone. It’s also exhausting being on suicide watch for almost a year (that’s just Will alone – that’s not even getting into Sophie’s area). It’s a long, draining time but one that always has importance and precedence.
Regret is something that those left living have a long time to live with. Suicide of a loved one (particularly young people) devastates every family and person it touches. Knowing what suicide is actually about and the reality of how it happens is critical. Nothing is ever exactly as it is portrayed in the media or many medical reports. They are often generalised and people in their ignorance, then generalise for everyone. Not so. Please don’t make that mistake. Be an active part of your child’s life and be there.
This post has been on my heart for sometime, writing it and getting it right was the harder part. The next post will be a similar thing. Stayed tuned for how asperger’s affects those with ED or anxiety/depression and it’s affects on the treatment path.
