Finding a job as a millennial can be challenging, and it's only grown tougher because someone hasn't been following the first rule of Millennial Club, and now every media outlet and Internet troll of a certain age who uses the word "bunk" knows this generation is stockpiling participation trophies like nuclear warheads. Being part of an elusive, notoriously hard to reach, digitally-savvy demographic would usually be an asset, but there's a lot of bad press out there about Generation Y, especially millennials in the work force. Between you, me, and the NSA, most of the stereotypes are true, but job-seekers of every generation should be entitled to their employer discovering that they're emo and Snapchat filter-obsessed after they've already been hired.
Most job-seeking millennials are so focused on overcompensating for their millennialness on their resume that they're missing opportunities to sell their sought-after skill set. What millennials lack in legitimate career experience they make up for in ambition, GIFs, and slang that will make you feel old. The iCloud is truly the limit for millennials, but embracing that competitive edge starts with careful consideration of the talents they may have overlooked. To jumpstart your millennial resume revamp, take inspiration from this attempt at what an honest millennial resume would look like.
Career Summary
Bright, on fleek, detail-oriented, dependable af, creative, selfie-starting, ninja-leader-team player looks to build upon skills in a challenging new role. After paying my dues at an unpaid internship and accumulating two years of experience in my field - that really feels more like 5-7 years of experience - I'm ready to take this next step in my career.
My base salary requirements for my next position fall within the $100,000 to $1,000,000 range. This figure is based on my own audacious inflation of the value of my skills and my parents recent threat to stop paying my iPhone data plan. I would also require that my compensation package include a 401(k) plan where the employer matches 500% of my contributions up to 50%, health insurance that covers the luxury alternative medicine I've always wanted to try (like acupuncture, hypnosis, and essential oils), free Wi-Fi, paid parental leave that lasts as long as is convenient for me, paid holidays off (including lesser-known holidays like Do A Grouch A Favor Day and Inane Answering Message Day), unlimited vacation and sick time, a flexible schedule that accommodates late start days when I wake up and literally can't, the ability to "work" from home, and the option to bring my pet to work a few times a week to keep me company.
Professional Experience
Communications Strategist (2011 - Present)
Beyond my mastery of emojis, I have successfully converted 65% of all voicemails and missed calls into text message and/or email conversations that don't require me to actually talk to anyone on the phone. I'm a proficient subtweeter, and I excel at convincing people that my phone was charging when I was just ignoring their attempts to make plans that would involve me getting dressed, leaving the house, and being social.
Private Investigator (2010 - Present)
As a private investigator I have a proven history of finding information less resourceful individuals would overlook. For example, a recent inquiry prompted by a group text about some random from high school lead me to discover that former student council vice president Lauren Paszek goes by "Lo Marie" on Facebook and is engaged to a guy she met in college at a frat party. Photos seem to indicate that he's very proud of his biceps. He works at a company called DCW Enterprises and drives a matte blue 1999 Honda Civic with a custom rear spoiler that complements his apparent Napoleon complex and 28" rims whose value exceeds the vehicle's worth. Their wedding is set for September 9th, and they're registered at Starbucks and Trader Joe's.
Public Relations Coordinator (2008 - Present)
My most noteworthy contribution in this role thus far was developing and leading the public relations strategy when I accidentally sent a text trash talking someone to the very person I was trash talking. With deft use of hahahas, I was successful in achieving my goal of convincing that person that it was all a joke, keeping a valuable frienemy on board for at least two more years.
Chief Technology Officer (1998 - Present)
In this role I've been responsible for the technology operations and cybersecurity for an entire single-family household: my parent's. Key achievements include restarting the computer on their behalf because they "didn't think of that," serving as a liaison between my parents and Google, using seasoned interrogation tactics to make stubborn remotes cooperative, loading paper into the "unreliable, hunk of junk" printer, and explaining that hashtags have nothing to do with vandalizing things with hash browns.
Creative Director (2006 - 2013)
With experience dating back to the Myspace era, I developed the art direction for tens of videos of me and my friends riding in the car, talking, and dancing. I have used a wide variety of video and photo capturing equipment, including a RAZR phone. I've also managed the staging and served as the principal photographer for hundreds of selfie shoots and Instagram posts. Additionally, I was frequently the party responsible for setting the self-timer on the camera and sprinting back within ten seconds to join the group photo, which demonstrates my ability to work in high-pressure situations.
Animal Husbandry Expert (1999 - 2002)During this time I cared for five Tamagatchi simultaneously, raised two thoroughbred Furbys, and looked after a small herd of Beanie Babies. My crowning achievement in this role were the creatures I cared for on Neopets. During my tenure as a Neopian, I looked after a Lupe, a Kacheek, and a Uni. I'm most proud of my faerie Chomby, whose luxurious lifestyle was funded by many hours beating tough customers like Brucey B and Chuffer Bob in Cheat.
Skills
- Bilingual in Spanish from binge-watching season one of Narcos
- Expert proficiency in rapping Nelly's hits from the early 2000s
- Grace in receiving feedback as demonstrated by my calm demeanor when a (now former) friend informed that finding Lumiere - the candlestick from Beauty and the Beast - attractive was "kind of Robert Durst-y"
- Mathematical prowess developed over years of dividing the amount of mozzarella sticks I ate by the full cost of the appetizer to determine how little I can chip in for the bill
- Copes well with adversity, illustrated best by that time my Amazon Prime order took longer than two business days to deliver
- Ability to Valencia a picture to death on Instagram and make it look like it's #nofilter
Philanthropy and Activism
- I've shared my Netflix username and password with several members of my squad. I've also loaned my phone charger to upwards of five people in the past six months.
- A few months ago, I was vegan for a solid four and half days.
- I still feel icky about Chris Brown.
- In November 2015 I wrote a very charitable Yelp review about a new restaurant whose ambiance and natural lighting for selfies was on point.
- Last month, I generously wished a former college acquaintance a happy birthday on Facebook using not one, but two exclamation points.
Awards and Honors
2016 - Told by an Uber driver that my playlist was lit
2015 - Scored 12/15 on a quiz in which I had to identify Disney movie villains by examining only a zoomed-in picture of their eyes
2000 - Came very close to finishing a jawbreaker
Katie Hoffman is a writer living in the suburbs of Chicago. She enjoys leftovers, lunges, and laughs.
