"Take into account that great love andgreat achievements involve great risk" - Dalai Lama
The utter greatness: Wednesday night I went on date numero tres and had a fabulous time. I had left the second date a little shaky but was reassured last week that this dude makes me happy. I was also reassured of my fondness for how things were going. We talked a bit about what I was thinking, such as how I'm totally at ease with talking when we talk, seeing each other when we see each other, and not worrying about it when we don't do either of those things. I think that is a first for me, unless I really just haven't liked the guy (then obviously who would care) but I'm for the first time liking someone without over-thinking things. When I do see him, we have fun and he makes me laugh. I'm not trying to turn it into something that it's not...done and done.
Thursday I had lunch with the Butthead Friend. It was lovely. It really felt a lot like old times; he tells me his problems, I listen and advise, he tells me I'm right, I think to myself that he knows I'm right but he's not going to listen anyway, etc, etc. No, but really, it was great to see him and feel like we are slowly re-building our friendship. As he was saying goodbye, he gave me his puppy dog, sad eyes look that he does when he's hurting. I think the look stemmed from a place of depression that he knew his romantic relationship was over but also (I like to think) in admiration of his friend, me, who has been there for him more times than I probably should have been. We texted later that day about how awesome lunch was and I felt like a million bucks.
I went to one of the greatest Zumba classes I have ever taken. "Rabiosa!"
And a few hours later Tanya Bo Banya and Hill Horo Babes came over. Within 5 minutes of them being in my room I was hysterically laughing. Having come straight over from work, T was rubbing her entire body from ears to toes with a wipe trying to de-stench herself of pizza and marinara sauce. Hill Babes, while adding more pieces of hair to her head, was telling me the story of how she full on flashed the Tiki Bar like it was nothing. I adore these girls. We went to Sona, duh, and boy does it pay to have gorgeous friends. The owner took a strong liking to Tanya and bought us several rounds of Patron and vodka sodas. We danced awhile and then of course wanted pizza across the street (I don't even remember the name of the place). On the restaurant's second night of business, T and I felt it was our duty to offer them our advice. I'm suddenly a former manager and T is suddenly the current manager at Nonna's (both false, but Drew, give this girl a promotion!) in an attempt to show this guy that we know what we're talking about. The owner then offered us some vino, on da hizzouse, while we chatted with Tanya's detective friend. He also drove us home, bless his soul.
Me: "Wow, you live kinda far away. Does it take you a long time to get home?"
Detective: (flips on the siren) "Nope, not at all." Touche.
On Saturday night I drove down the shore looking for a new environment. I found it....sorta. I walked to The Parker House and as I'm approaching the entrance, I certain Cheetah comes popping out of cab. What a coinkidink! The Cheetah and I head in and stumble upon the rest of the group. I love love love LOVE the Parker House. If you live in northern Jersey and want to see anyone from high school either your age, a few years older, or a few years younger, this is the place to be. As many people as I did know, including some Georgetown people, I liked that the bar was so big that it's not possible to know everyone. Although everyone was that same type of person, J. Crew wearing, former lacrosse playing, J.P. Morgan working kinda crowd so it felt like you knew everyone. It was a strange, yet comforting feeling for a summer beach night.
The night continued on at Leggetts Sand Bar. I fell in absolute love with Leggetts because the first song I heard as we walked in was "Uptown Girl" by Billy Joel and of course because they let me kneel on the bar stools. Naturally I drunk text my mom (hey, it's better than some other options...)
Me: "Looovvveeeeee shaaaacckkkkk!"
Mom: "That's where it's at!! Loooveeee shack! Step away foool....!"
Me: "Steepppp away omg ok so now shot through the hearrrrtttt!"
Mom: "Where are you nut job? Bar A?" (Yeah, that "Bar A" thing just happened)
Me: "No, Leggetts. I'm kneeling of course aka I love this bar because they let me do my pose."
I continued to appreciate my youth. Poor Cheetah....Gabs and I "iced" him...twice...on his own tab...while he was talking to a blonde in a red dress. Loved it. He also kept ordering beers in rounds of 10, but leaving them in front of me was a bad idea because I was passing em out like candy! It was your typical Jersey Shore, "Take Me Home Tonight"/ "Your Love" (by the Outfield, not Nicki Minaj) / "Don't Stop Believing" kinda night and I was loving every second of it a few inches taller than everyone up on my bar stool.
Mom: "Wishing I was 22 when you were 22!"
Me: "No, we wouldn't have made it out alive."
I'm happy to report that my night ended with a slice of chicken parm pizza, a lovely interaction with a Jersey cop named "Java" or "Jaba" (I'm still not sure which) and the overwhelming satisfaction that I am over the Roller Coaster. I made it through a night with him, better yet, I genuinely had a blast. There was no anger, no depression, no jealousy...just a bunch of friends fist pumping and singing away. Now, finally, after all this time the "..." is eliminated from our relationship and not just by him but by me (Ashley Herbert, anyone?) I got me some honey. Throughout all of this, the only thing I was missing was my LAM. I kept turning to tell her things or to nod is excitement over a great song but she wasn't there. MISS YOU, DARLING! Can't WAIT for you to come back to me xo
Two weeks ago I was sooooo happy because I had my own routine, I had the house to myself, and I knew what to expect. I was eating right, I was exercising and taking care of myself. Now in the last few days, I've been sooooo happy because of the people and events taking place in my life. New boy toy, Butthead Friend, T-Money and Hill Horo Babes, Gabarooni, the Cheetah, Roller Coaster, etc all fell into place and I had a blast.
So tonight I was taking down every personal item in my room. We've been trying to sell our house so we've been advised to make the rooms as neat and tidy as possible with next to no personal artifacts in sight. My room is also getting painted so when I say everything needs to come down, I mean e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g needs to come down. All of my picture frames are down, I ripped the collages off my doors, and took apart all of the cloth boards of memories and movie ticket stubs. My room is plain, it is simple, and it is clean....or is it lonely?
It made me think of the movie characters that I never really understood. Throughout the first half of the film he, or let's just say she is portrayed as a workaholic or loner and then there's the montage of her eating a small dinner alone at the island in the kitchen, doing the laundry, running on the tread mill and popping open a book in bed before going to sleep. She seems totally happy with this lifestyle until she meets someone so fabulous and her life is completely rocked. She has kept people out of her life in order to protect herself from getting hurt without even realizing it. She then has a fight with the new fabulous person and she thinks, "See! I should've just kept on doing what I was doing." But then yada yada she realizes that she's never known happiness like she does with new person and fairy tale, happy ending, whatever.
Take Sandra Bullock's character in "The Proposal" as an example.
I get this character now. Just like my room, I stripped everything away from my life. I kept it simple by sticking to what I know works and taking complexity out of it. Go to work, go to gym, run an errand, eat dinner (same thing every night btw), watch tv, go to sleep, wake up and do it all over again. Now, I've added people and it's scaring the hell out of me. Ummm excuse me but who the hell let you in here? When you're on your own, only you can ruin the goosfraba but by adding people you care about, you are giving them a lot of power.
For example, I found out tonight that Butthead Friend is back with the girl who he has allowed to keep us apart for months. Before last week, I wouldn't have cared as much but now he's back and I'm loving it. I'd be lying if I said I wouldn't be shocked if it all gets taken away again. The new guy, well I'm nervous that with every time I see him I'm going to care more and more about who calls who, why he hasn't called, or when I'll see him next. I'll care that right now he's busy, then I'm going to busy, and then I'll be in California and we won't really have seen each other. The point is that it is easy to think that I'm happy when I'm on I'm own, doing my thing, because it is safe. When I add others to the mix, I'm allowing myself to be vulnerable to whatever they throw at me. I wanna hide out at the grocery store and the gym for awhile longer. I feel like it's only a matter of time, like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop because it's not possible to be this at ease. When I start to have these thoughts, I literally force a different one in my head. I try not to think about it.
I guess I'll just have to trust that the people I allow close enough to me will consider my happiness almost as seriously as I consider it. I will do what I can to do the same in return.
Sassarella Says...if I trust you enough to let you in, please be good to me. Putting up walls, keeping people out, and living a safe life is boring. We need to feel connected to others in order to learn and grow to be a better person. We also just have a heck of a lot more fun! I gotta figure out how to maintain both states of ease and content, in my own routine and in my relationships with others.
