Environment Magazine

Venting Your Author Frustrations

Posted on the 27 January 2017 by Bradshaw @conservbytes

Venting your author frustrationsEvery scientist worth her salt has had her share of annoying interactions with journal editors — both verbally and via e-mail. My friend and colleague Bill Laurance, Distinguished Research Professor at James Cook University, is no exception, and penned this hypothetical exchange between an author and editor as a way of venting his frustrations. Enjoy!

Author to Journal Editor, at a conference

Author: “You know, if I could sniff my own butt like you do, I would.”

Editor: Wags butt like he’s wagging his tail

Author: “Then again, maybe I wouldn’t …”

Editor: “You’re taking this kind of personally.”

Author:  “You think howling after getting kicked in the nuts by three referees is ‘taking it personally’? How about if I kick you in the nuts and we see how you go?”

Editor: “Sorry, I have to maintain editorial impartiality.”

Author: “I wonder if you’ll stay impartial after I stick this in your ear?”

Editor: “Please send me an e-mail so we have a formal record of this conversation.”

Author: “Nothing would make me happier.”

Editor: “We’ll communicate with you later, then.”

Author to Journal Editor, Via e-mail

Author: “Dear esteemed editor, Please find attached the fortieth revision of our manuscript, ‘Cockroaches are not all bad’, for your kind consideration. Choke on it.”

Editor: “I think it’s great that you dabble in science the way that you do.”

Author: “Fuck you very much.”

Editor: “I am so glad that we are keeping a formal record of our interactions. I will share them with our Editorial Board at the annual Christmas party.”

Author: “Indeed, I have a few letters I want to mail to you and the Editorial Board. You don’t have to wait till Christmas if you all open them at once.”

Editor: “That is most kind of you.”

Author: “The letters will say ‘Editorial Rebuttal’, so you’ll know they’re from me.”

Editor: “We’ll keep our eyes open.”

Author: “The tenor of this conversation is not really getting close to the issue at the heart of my concerns.”

Editor: “And that would be?”

Author: “The fact that you and the other members of your Sadistic, Red-eyed, Satanic, Died-in-the-wool Reapers of the Editorial World are still allowed to visit your infamously horrid, malevolent, perturbed ways upon the likes of me and my renowned coauthors, some of whom are also my drinking buddies.”

Editor: “I am so sorry if we upset your drinking games.”

Author: “You did more than upset our games, you upset our stomachs and lower digestive tracts, and the resulting odour would be enough to knock a buzzard right off its perch were it not for the exceptionally robust and determined constitution of our science team.”

Editor: “I think you are using the word ‘Science’ a bit loosely. Besides, I am with Nature, and we have a higher impact factor than Science.”

Author: “You know what they say about impact factors?”

Editor: “That bigger is better?”

Author: “No, that you can bite me.”

Editor: “I think you are being a little irreverent.”

Author: “Say that again after you open my letter.”

Editor: “Do you know what we do to ‘authors with an attitude’, like you?”

Author: “No, what?”

Editor: “We forward their emails to the F.B.I.”

Author: “And that’s supposed to worry me?”

Editor: “I’d be worried if I were you.”

Author: “Why?”

Editor: “As my old girlfriend once said to me in a ‘Dear John’ letter: ‘Never put anything you might later regret in writing.’ “

William F. Laurance

You Might Also Like :

Back to Featured Articles on Logo Paperblog

These articles might interest you :

  • How To Style Your Shorts in 10 Unique Ways

    Style Your Shorts Unique Ways

    Summers are here and they are in full swing, all we want to do is chill by the beach side. While all of us can’t hit the beach, yet we can definitely bring beac... Read more

    7 hours, 6 minutes ago by   Dreamtechie
  • Monday Miscellany: Shoes, Shows And Friends

    Monday Miscellany: Shoes, Shows Friends

    The last several weeks have been such a whirlwind of activity, so this weekend I’ve been giving myself the gift of some “down time.” Playing a bit of catch-up... Read more

    7 hours, 10 minutes ago by   Unefemme
  • Nine Steps to Using a Paddling Pool

    Nine Steps Using Paddling Pool

    Sometimes, you just gotta cool down. These last few days it's been really quite warm, so we've had the paddling pool out for my son to play in. Read more

    7 hours, 20 minutes ago by   Ravenswingthog
  • Catrice Long-lasting Waterproof Eye Pencil Review

    Catrice Long-lasting Waterproof Pencil Review

    Hey everyone, what’s up? An eye-pencil is a must have in your vanity. That’s why I love trying out new brands every now and then. Today, I’m going to review... Read more

    7 hours, 47 minutes ago by   Jhilmil D Saha
  • The Edge


    While vacationing at an Alaskan lodge during a photo shoot, a pragmatic, solitary billionaire (Anthony Hopkins)--with a steel trap mind when it comes to... Read more

    7 hours, 48 minutes ago by   Kaiser31083
  • Mike Philbin - Art - Twin Towers 1, 2 and 7

    Mike Philbin Twin Towers

    This most-recent tryptich has a title of "Twin Towers 1, 2 and 7", an obvious and unsubtle allusion to a) the twin towers or pillars of freemasonic egyptologica... Read more

    7 hours, 52 minutes ago by   Freeplanet
  • Find a Travel Buddy with Ease and Make Solo Traveling Even Better

    Find Travel Buddy with Ease Make Solo Traveling Even Better

    Traveling solo as a woman has so many advantages. You can go where you wish, keep to your own schedule and spend some times really getting to know yourself. Read more

    8 hours, 24 minutes ago by   Poundtravel