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Vampyros Lesbos (You Know What That Means)

By Briennewalsh

Vampyros Lesbos (You Know What That Means)

When the cable went out at our house on Monday night, we didn’t know what to do. Although Caleb and I were tempted to walk around the storm, Mr. R adamantly refused to join us. “You will die,” he said. “Before the zombies get me?” I asked. “Probably not,” he said.

Vampyros Lesbos (You Know What That Means)

So I stayed home. At that point, I had been going to Niveh for at least 6 hours, and many things were beyond my capacity—reading, thinking, figuring out how to play Monopoly, putting on real pants.”I’m so bored,” I whined to Caleb. “There’s nothing to waaaatcchhhh.”

Vampyros Lesbos (You Know What That Means)

“Let’s put on a DVD?” he suggested. ”Oh no,” I said. Because the only DVDs that Caleb has are “Black Sabbath: Never Say Die,” and “Vamypros Lesbos,” a 1971 West German-Spanish horror film that no one (I respect) has ever seen.

Vampyros Lesbos (You Know What That Means)

“I won’t watch it,” I said when he put on Black Sabbath. And then I started making whining noises so loud no one could hear the TV.

“Fine,” he said, and switched over to Vampyros Lesbos.

Vampyros Lesbos (You Know What That Means)

One would think, with the going to Niveh and the storm and the fact that Caleb and I are nubile young (ish) human beings, that we could have used Vampyros Lesbos as inspiration to do some pretty kinky shit.


But Mr. R was there. And Niveh makes you fucking lazy. Am I wrong? All you want to do is eat cookie dough and watch The Bad Girls Club and then go to sleep.

Vampyros Lesbos (You Know What That Means)

Now, Vampyros Lesbos is about an American working at a Turkish legal firm who has violent erotic dreams every night about being “eaten” by a female vampire.


This vampire is played by the impossibly sexy Soledad Miranda, whose real name could not possibly be that. 

Vampyros Lesbos (You Know What That Means)

It was made by Jesus Franco, a dude who I imagine fancied himself an incredible sicko.

Vampyros Lesbos (You Know What That Means)

He never made it big, but he became something of a cult icon in the 1990s. The soundtrack to the film, “Vampyros Lesbos: Sexadelic Dance Party,” even made it on the top 10 list on the British Alternative Charts.

Vampyros Lesbos (You Know What That Means)

If you haven’t disqualified the movie yet, maybe it’s because you’re older.

Vampyros Lesbos (You Know What That Means)

Caleb is a little older than me, and also cooler—for instance, he has tattoos—so I frequently find myself differing to his taste even when I think it’s weird.

Vampyros Lesbos (You Know What That Means)

But I couldn’t keep my mouth shut when the two hot ladies walked on the screen in Vampyros Lesbos, stripped down, and began slowly making out with each other on a bare stage ringed with mirrors. “Snoozefest,” I said. “Where’s the part when she goes for a jog and then comes back and rips off his bathrobe and they have sex on an armchair?” Let’s just say that I was raised on Skinemax.


I cannot report what else happened in the film, because I went even further into Niveh—very hazy, that place—and then ventured out into the storm, to make a videocast, and get a Chipwich. But I think they had vampire lesbian sex in it.

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