Gray Eyed Athena

LATEST ARTICLES ( 197 )

• Begin Now

  And now my heart is breaking.  Breaking open and in and up and down, breaking with renewal and death, separation and introduction, breaking with the intense pai... Read more

  Posted on 22 May 2014 SELF EXPRESSION

• Change and Turn and Chance

  I am separating from my partner of five years this weekend.  Madeleine, my sister, is coming to help me move home to my family’s house which is one hour north... Read more

  Posted on 20 May 2014 SELF EXPRESSION

• He Told Me This Reminded Him of Me.

  I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz, or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off. I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, in... Read more

  Posted on 15 May 2014 SELF EXPRESSION

• an Object in Motion Will Remain in Motion

  There wasn’t much I could do when the iron bars of this disorder came crashing down with an echoing thud of finality.  My body was wrecked and I was blind; I... Read more

  Posted on 31 March 2014 SELF EXPRESSION

• Something is Better Than Nothing

  I’m here,I am here. Not back.But here, enough for now.  Deciding whether to stay or go, to keep running in a headlong pursuit of pain, punishment, passing... Read more

  Posted on 28 March 2014 SELF EXPRESSION

• Enter Here

  I hold my hand in the air in front of the speaker and the bass is a breathy staccato beat, picked up and pulsed through my deep palmar arch. Read more

  Posted on 28 March 2014 SELF EXPRESSION

• I Didn’t Know How Big This Was and How Rooted, Deeply Cli...

  I didn’t know how big this was and how rooted, deeply clinging and deceitful this is.  My eating disorder (yes, I can say it now) was not what I thought it... Read more

  Posted on 09 January 2014 SELF EXPRESSION

• Still

  It’s festering, and it poisons everything.  Often I locate my body in this swinging swerving nightmare land and I can climb into it for a moment of blisspanic,... Read more

  Posted on 30 December 2013 SELF EXPRESSION

• Muscle Memory

  Just a tightening, just there, now, do you feel it?  Your heart a sudden force of suction, absorption, your chest a quickening sinkhole and spasm and your... Read more

  Posted on 20 December 2013 SELF EXPRESSION

• Trigger Pulled

  Monday night I drifted through the final yoga class of my much-beloved teacher, Julie, before her retirement from teaching group classes at my kripalu studio. ... Read more

  Posted on 18 December 2013 SELF EXPRESSION

• Hospital.

  My ED assessment on Wednesday was not what I expected.I didn’t know my heart is straining so hard to move blood through my body, I didn’t know I am... Read more

  Posted on 13 December 2013 SELF EXPRESSION

• Panic

  Over sixty hours without food.  Just water and coffee.  I even managed a night and full day of yoga teacher training without calories.  Watched my weight drop... Read more

  Posted on 09 December 2013 SELF EXPRESSION

• End Soon.

  In shower, steam tickles vagus, heat which usually calms only threatens.  My core is so cold, rocky and dense, fortress, impenetrable. Read more

  Posted on 06 December 2013 SELF EXPRESSION

• Fell

  Returned to work today, someone is eating french fries and I need to vomit from the grease in the air, cloying, and my panic simmers just below the surface and ... Read more

  Posted on 06 December 2013 SELF EXPRESSION

• Mercy

  Yesterday.Skin shrunk tight flesh bulging stretching while I writhe, helpless and shivering, breaths go out but none come in, turn me up and shake me hard I am... Read more

  Posted on 05 December 2013 SELF EXPRESSION

• I Am in Pain

  If there were a way to exit without fuss and muss, tears and missing, I would in an instant.If I weren’t so embarassed by being a human and having a body and... Read more

  Posted on 04 December 2013 SELF EXPRESSION

• The Weird Part is That I’ve Never Been More Perfect Or Be...

  The weird part is that I’ve never been more perfect or beautiful than I am now, says everybody.So what’s the problem?  If they keep telling me I am slim,... Read more

  Posted on 03 December 2013 SELF EXPRESSION

• Don’t Grow Up, It’s a Trap

  It happened last weekend during the opening scene of the family reunion.  Last weekend was my youngest brother’s Eagle scout ceremony and my immediate family... Read more

  Posted on 02 December 2013 SELF EXPRESSION

• Taste Rainbow

  Came home, he had a steamy melty baked potato in a crispy leather jacket waiting for me.  Set it down in front of me, goldyshiny butter nearby, waiting,... Read more

  Posted on 22 November 2013 SELF EXPRESSION

• i Don’t Know What I’m Doing.

  There is nothing to say because nothing will ever be as true as it is in our selves.  There is no magic involved in transforming thought to paper.  It is... Read more

  Posted on 06 November 2013 SELF EXPRESSION