True Blood: The End Game

MASSIVE SPOILER WARNING: Contains vague spoilers about the conclusions of Lost, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Sopranos, Twin Peaks, Twilight, Dexter, and The Southern Vampire Mystery Novels!

The end of True Blood is nigh! After seven seasons of bloodshed, boinking, beasts and boobies we will finally learn the eventual fates of all the characters we have grown to love so dearly, and all those who have consistently annoyed the hellfire out of us. Taking into account the ways in which popular shows have met their makers in years gone by, here’s a look at some of the directions that True Blood take, should the writers be stuck for inspiration.

The “Lost” Ending

Sookie is the chosen one who has to sacrifice herself in order to avert the apocalypse, going head to head in a battle with the personification of pure evil, who has tricked Arlene into killing herself and taken over her body. Half the cast perish in the ensuing chaos. But it’s ok, because they all meet up in the afterlife, where they are wearing much better clothes and can finally connect with their true loves. Many questions are left unanswered, but fortunately the show’s makers will kindly make a minisode that explains all the loose threads like what happened to Jason’s werepanther babies, and how Lafayette and Jesus drove to Mexico so quickly.

The “Buffy” Ending

It turns out that the reason there’s so much supernatural freakishness going on in Bon Temps is that the entire town is actually built on a gate to Hell. Sookie and her Scooby gang have to fight off demons, and Eric bravely sacrifices himself because of his love for Sookie. Most of the citizens of Bon Temps escape, but the town eventually implodes when the Hellgate closes, leaving the mother of all sink holes. The subsequent escapades of Sookie and the surviving members of her gang are told in comic book form.

The “Sopranos” Ending

Half the cast perish in a war with gangster vampires. It seems that the war is over, and Sookie is having a pleasant meal in Bellefleur’s with her closest friends and family (that didn’t die). Everything is just lovely (apart from Arlene being in a coma) and Sookie puts Don’t Stop Believing by Journey on the jukebox. Just as Jason walks through the door, Sookie looks at him and…. It cuts to black. So nobody knows what the heck happened. Is she dead? Did she get shot by a rogue gangster vampire or something? Thus, the fan arguments debating the true nature of the ending ensue and continue ad infinitum.

The “Twin Peaks” Ending

The sexually depraved demon that’s been possessing people and making them commit atrocious murders of high school prom queens drags Sookie into a weird dimension where there’s a giant and a dwarf speaking riddles and lots of red curtains. She escapes, but then the demon possesses her!! The whole plot is so phenomenally bizarre that a kinky prequel movie is required to explain to everyone exactly what the heck was going on. The movie is so rubbish that some of the cast members don’t even bother to show up and so are replaced by actors who look nothing like them.

The “Twilight” Ending

Sookie becomes a vampire and marries Bill/Eric. They have a lovely vampire baby daughter who Alcide falls in love with immediately, even though that’s obviously really creepy. There are evil Authority-esque vampires who want the baby for some reason that nobody really cares about, and the good-looking cool vampires defeat the evil baby-snatching vampires with their badass fighting skills. Sookie’s dad makes an epic comeback with the moustache to end all moustaches.

The “Dexter” Ending

There’s a pointless serial killer that no viewer actually gives a toss about; Jason dies in ridiculous circumstances; Sookie blames herself and fakes her own death in an implausible way. She abandons everyone she cares about to go and live in isolation as a lumberjack. Nobody else’s stories are resolved.

The Cliffhanger Ending

No, not the superbly nuanced, thought-provoking and poignant Sylvester Stallone movie “Cliffhanger” – that would mean True Blood ending with Sookie escaping from an exploding helicopter. I’m talking about those shows which were cancelled before they reached their conclusion, leaving viewers with a frustrating non-ending to endlessly ponder and write fanfiction about. Questions are left unanswered, characters’ stories are unresolved, fates are unknown, and viewers are screaming “WHYYYYYYYY??” See: Carnivale, Deadwood, and weep at the inhumanity of the networks for giving these incredible shows the chop. Or, see: Heroes, Flashforward, The Event and thank the gods of TV that True Blood never got this bad.

The Slash Fiction Ending

Bill and Eric say, “You know what? Fuck Sookie!” and have manly vampire sex.

The Fangirl Ending

Sookie ends up living happily ever after with Bill/Eric/Sam/Alcide. There is prolonged full-frontal male nudity involved.

The Book Ending

After breaking up with Eric and being kidnapped by Steve Newlin (yes, unlikely in the show universe) Sookie renounces the vampire world and starts dating reliable ol’ Sam. Everyone has babies.

What do you think? How should True Blood end?

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AphroditeMF

Podcaster at God Hates FangsNatalie co-hosts God Hates Fangs podcast with her husband. She is currently working on a trilogy of sci-fi vampire novels.