Diaries Magazine

Top Six Worst Pains EVERRRRRRR

By Dmroughton

Top Six Worst Pains EVERRRRRRR

6. Hammer time. This is a nearly two pound Estwing framing hammer. Notice the waffled face. Imagine smashing your thumb with this, sending a jet of bright red blood 15 feet up the shingles of a brand new roof. (That's why you don't use a framing hammer for roofing. Duh, Mr. Roughton.) Now imagine it's mid-January and you throw the stupid hammer as far as you can out in the icy Albemarle Sound - only to realize you don't have a spare hammer, so if you want to get paid for working that day, you better get to swimming for your hammer.
5. You have some gall! I've never given birth (though some days I feel like it), but I can imagine it's not quite as painful as gall stones. It's the same principle: squeezing something impossibly large through an opening that's impossibly small. Only with gall stones, there's no vision of a forthcoming beautiful babe to get you through the pain. The doctor just hands you a vial of rocks.
4. Snap, crackle, pop. It's bad enough that you share every single birthday with your younger sister because your birthdays are a week apart. It's worse when, at one of said birthday parties, you are playing tag at dusk, so that, as you chase your cousin under the clothes line, you can't see that your brother is yanking it down with all his weight. What's the worst is when you fly through the air and land on a stump, shattering your collar bone into three pieces, your mother refuses to listen to your pleads to "beat the hell out of" your brother. After all, you know damn well he meant to do it!
3. Urine a lot of trouble. Kids, your friends are NOT your friends. Dares are stupid, especially if you are the one taking the dare. Moral of the story: no matter how cool it seems at the time, it's never a good idea to pee on your neighbor's electric fence.
2. Pop goes the...appendix?  Student infirmaries are notoriously staffed with idiot doctor wannabes who have to put in their time diagnosing dumb college kids so they  can make it over to the real money side of the hospital. If you have thrown up everything you have eaten for seven days straight, if you consistently run a fever of 104, and if you cannot physically raise your head up off the pillow, I'm pretty sure it's not just a gastrointestinal infection. Also, if you hear an audible "POP" that originates from INSIDE your body, I'm pretty sure it's not just severe diarrhea.
1. And the number one worst pain of all time. Hello college alcohol binge. Meet zipper. Zipper meet scrotum. You know what's worse than that?????
The realization that you now have to knowingly unzip.

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