Imma ’bout ready to slap a weight limit on some of these Mamas and put ’em back in the cage.
I accidentally used pixie stix instead of Splenda and now I swear a monkey is eating my face.
I deducted 2 points because her hair was bigger than mine. Mama don’t play, little girl.
I just want a drink that doesn’t come in a damn sippy cup. I can’t believe it’s not even 5 o’clock yet.
I usually just watch paint dry, but I’m getting a better buzz off all the Aqua Net in the ballroom.
No. I swear. The poop was literally THIS big and there were only Pageant Moms in the room. Not one animal.
I’m gonna shut this stupid blog down if he calls my boobs ‘Tiara Twins’ again. I don’t forget nuthin’.
So.
Couple things before we get started.
One. Yeah…I know. I messed up last week and didn’t get a recap posted in a timely manner. Like maybe not at all in a timely manner. I know.
And I feel bad. I swear. And this is me feeling bad last week when I got my first #HateTweet that wasn’t related to Dance Moms. Look at how crooked my crown was.
And now this one is late, too.
But I’m still waiting for that first TLC check to show up in the mailbox, which ain’t happened yet…so until the cable company takes snark and sparkles in trade for high speed internet, Imma have to show up at work once in awhile. Not my first choice. Or even my second. But it’s a lot easier to write these recaps…even the late ones…when the electricity doesn’t get shut off at the end of each month.
Two. Who the hell is this chick and how’d she get my gig?
In the first 299 words, I snuck in two totally unrelated Dance Moms gifs to keep the DM fans happy and distract them from the fact that I’ve been an even bigger slacker on my Lifetime Television duties. I basically told TLC to hire me without having to go through the hassle of figuring out their website and updating my LinkedIn page. I probably offended that OMG! Moments lady, who I’m sure is very nice when she’s not stealing other people’s jobs. And I even made certain that Abby Lee Miller‘s deceased dog (…who was stuffed and mounted after passing from this Earth, BTW…) was clearly visible in the montage so I could transition seamlessly into the latest episode of Toddlers & Tiaras.
The Me and My Pet Pageant.
Because that’s how it’s done.
And that’s how I do, mmkay?
Spoiler Alert: Unfortunately, there were no #NisaHooperSightings this week.
None. Which was not cool.
So here’s one. And it’s even pet-related to keep with the theme.
Please watch and enjoy as Nisa Hooper literally steals the crown off a small child’s head and tries to stick it on top of her alien dog with the light-up laser beam eyes because they don’t have pet pageants on whatever planet light-up laser beam eye dogs come from. No wonder Nisa wears shades.
I love Nisa.
And she gives me very little crap considering that I’ll go to my grave swearing my internet girlfriend Cambrie Littlefield is #Goals. Because she is. The #Goals part, I mean.
The internet girlfriend part is a work in progress.
Oh hey, Gurrrrl.
Look at how long Production made her sit in that gazebo chair. It’s dark outside now.
I guess we could get started now.
To celebrate their Top Spot win at last week’s pageant, the full Cambrie’s Court contingent headed to the local Water Park for some fun in the sun and free advertising on danthatscool.com.
Check’s in the mail, I’m sure.
Look at all that right there.
Just #Goals.
And look at how excited my Boo Jayliana was to find out there was no line for the slide.
They didn’t show it on TV, but there was one part where Cambrie forgot one of the kids at the Water Slide and had to run back to get her all like this…
Bonus: Here’s Mama June going down the Mac ‘N Cheese Slide. Because she can.
Dat’s rite. They’re baaaaack!
Alycesaundra and Giavanna. The Tiara Twins.
And Mom Kelly Lyerly.
Mom was put on Earth to groom children for pageantry and to call Dad a moron 24/7. The girls were put on Earth to be ridiculously cute and f*** up my Macbook spellcheck so bad that that hard drive fan turns itself on every time I type their names.
Back in the day, Lyerly & Co. all had gigantic personalities and gigantic bodyguards and a gigantic farm and a gigantic bus with the kids’ gigantic faces shrink-wrapped all over it like they were running for public office. Remember how they would pull that monster rig right up to the Ramada curb like it was Madison Square Garden and pour out with 47 suitcases, a bunch of goats and one turkey?
And they were gunning for win #3 this week.
Side note: Three years ago, Mom ‘fessed up to spending upwards of $500,000 on all this goodness. I don’t know what kinda magic cows they’re milking down at that farm but sign me up.
Look. This one is already wearing a Pashmina, which should make Kelly happy. Cuz she’s fancy.
As traumatizing as that was, there was also a scene where they made one of the girls hold up a piece of paper showing the dollar amount that they were spending on her pageant gown, which I thought was rather odd considering that this was a live goat auction. But in all honesty I’ve never been to a glitz pageant or a live goat auction or a glitz pageant with live goats in attendance, so maybe that’s just how they roll. Regardless, at the end of the day Lyerly & Co. owned a new baby goat.
…we headed back to Vegas to meet 10 year old Kailia and her rather alert Mom Marcy.
Mom got a little animated when describing how little Kailia turns from a sleeping puppy into a crazy little monkey. Just a little animated. Like seizure animated.
Let’s be honest. Only one of these monkeys is actually crazy and it ain’t the one in the ruffles.
Tonya Bailey. Queen. Don’t even argue with me on this one.
I didn’t quite catch where she met them, but at some point on her cross-country Crazy Monkey Tour a few years ago Marcy had discovered this couple who did nothing but yank on kids like this…
…and this…
Thankfully, Cambrie showed up at the front door before I got a visual charlie horse.
Except she got locked out of the house and was all like…
Take aways from this scene: Cambrie has a friend who has a monkey, because of course she does.
Unfortunately, the monkey’s agent had double booked him for the upcoming weekend and now Kailia was going to have to use a dog dressed up like a monkey to do God Knows What at the pageant in two days.
We should probably also point out that Cambrie’s hairdresser friend Mykel Baca gets double booked a lot. And that we’ve never actually seen Mykel and a monkey in the same room at the same time, so…
Just pointing out the facts, ma’am.
Next up: The Battle of the Blonde Chicks.
Meet 7 year old Callyn and her Mom Amber.
Callyn sat on a boulder that was wearing a crown and Mom took two sips of a cocktail and lost her shoes.
We looooove them. Callyn had a ‘secret pet’ for this week’s festivities that was gonna rock our world, but she wouldn’t let us in on the poop scoop just yet.
You’re just gonna have to hold your (…Spoiler Alert…) striped horses for a few.
FYI, Amber has a sister Alysha whose 7 year old daughter Emily also does pageants.
Do the math: Sibling Rivalry. Especially since Emily wins more than Callyn does.
Side note: You just know that lamp’s not plugged in.
And who leaves a 7 year old all alone on a bachelorette party bus?
No wonder she’s so excited. That is way better than any stupid monkey. #TotesJealz.
Finally, it was Showtime!
And Pageant Director Jill Worley puts on a show, yo.
Look at all that sweet loot. Those are some pretty awesome blinged-out crowns, even though the elephant kinda looks like a vacuum cleaner. We love Jill.
Look at how much fun that judge with the giant hair at the very end is having. And look at how thirsty the middle judge is…that is one Mega Ultimate Supreme Big Gulp. And how about poor judge #3 pretending she doesn’t hear the other two talking about her while she plots revenge?
Side note: Since this is another 2-part episode this week, we’re gonna have to skip over some of the hilarity and save it for next time to speed things up a bit. Things like Ron Lyerly’s glitter #DadJeans, maybe. The ones with his kids’ faces appliquéd on the butt that perfectly coordinated with his pink J.Crew shirt. And his gelled hair. Because I just can’t right now.
Side note: Kelly said that their pig is named Kim K.
Naturally, it wouldn’t be a pet pageant without major drama.
Cambrie’s Plan B didn’t work out very well. The Dog Monkey never showed up so she had to call a friend at the zoo to get something else put on a flatbed and shipped over asap. Because Cambrie has a local zoo in her speed dial. Because she’s Cambrie. #Goals.
Emily was first up in Beauty.
And then the judge’s critique.
Ladies and Gentlemen. I give you Jessica McClamroch.
And her hair and her judging game were on point this week, lemme tell you.
And let’s be honest, since they legally couldn’t give a prize to Mrs. McClamroch, it’s probably gonna go to Giavanna for that yellow Miss America gown. You see dat thang? Dang.
Even Cambrie was all like…
And then the s*** hit the fan. And the floor. Literally.
Callyn unveiled her secret pet and Mom Deb was not liking it one bit.
And excuse me.
If they knew you could break the rules, then Deb and Jayliana would have just brought their damn horse Bourbon, who is apparently so awesome that Boo had to say his name 3 times with attitude.
Not really sure what that was all about unless she was just mimicking Mom.
And then the rest of the episode just collapsed into pigs and goats and poop and poop and goats and pigs and people stepping on it and over it and nobody wanting to pick any of it up even when Jessica’s 3 year old flies started circling around it like an All You Can Eat Buffet.
Oh. And they also showed the hotel manager upstairs real quick.
And then it was over.
To be continued…
