I’m really pretty. And I’m a little crazy. But basically, I’m really just pretty crazy.
Ahoy, matey! It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye, don’t cha know. Aaaaarrrrrggggh!
Oh yeah. That’s the spot. That’s what I’m talkin’ about, baby. Mama likes.
I knew they were gonna deduct points because I smelled like yak and camel toe. I told her so.
I went to the zoo and got these crazy cool flamingo glasses. And this t-shirt. And enough long term emotional scars to last a lifetime.
I mean, come on. Look at this thing. Fake pink diamonds on a skull crown? Haters gonna hate.
Srsly? White people are crazy. Child…that ain’t no booty.
Yo Ho. Yo Ho. Shiver me timbers and Aaaaargggh. And stuff.
It was Hijinx on the High Seas as Toddlers & Tiaras plundered our senses with an over the top pirate-themed extravaganza, all courtesy of Bailey’s Pageants.
There were pirates, pirates and more pirates. And a parrot impersonator. And then some more pirates.
All under the direction of one of the whackiest, and most fan favorite-ist of all Pageant Directors, Tonya Bailey!
You know Tonya. Everyone knows Tonya.
While she will never be able to compete with the finger snapping OhNoSheDin’t sass of my Secret Crush Director Girlfriend Annette Hill, Ms. Bailey compensates for that missing chromosome with some seriously crazy eyes and the kind of enthusiasm for her craft that would trigger seizures in most people.
She can also somehow manage to turn one lick of an FAO Schwarz cash register lollipop into a viral internet soft porn download, but that was a whole other episode.
Google it so I don’t get off track, if you’re really into that kind of thing.
Needless to say, I was a little concerned when we first met up with Tonya this week because one of her crazy orbs was covered up with an even crazier crystallized Lady Gaga eye patch, and I was afraid that she might have been involved in some horribly disfiguring glitter glue gun accident or something back at the Pageant Lab.
Then I remembered that the whole thing was supposed to be all about pirates, and it made more sense. Not much more. But more sense.
The It’s A Glitzy Life Pageant was all about the Glitz. The bigger and faker…the better.
And the ultimate über düber winner would score a one of a kind Sparkle Skull Crown, just like the skull on a pirate ship flag. Except that this one was wearing a pink tiara. I guess that’s how you tell the difference between regular pirates who pillage and plunder in search of gold coins and bar wenches with questionable morals versus glitz pirates who just wear flippers and blow finger kisses. The tiara is the clue, if you’re playing along at home.
Our first pirate princess wannabe was 5 year old Elesha and her slightly dazed Mom Beth. Let’s be nice and just say they were in over their heads.
Elesha was fairly new to the pageant biz, and according to Mom, had yet to win anything of any importance. No big crown. Nothing. One pageant she had actually only won Pixie Stix, which is kind of odd considering that everyone in the audience is shoveling them down before the show even starts each week. Not sure what made those Pixie Stix so special that they were given away as prizes, unless somebody underestimated attendance and had to swipe the first thing they could find in the lobby during crowning.
I’m going to assume that Beth was slightly dazed because she was raising two children as a single mother while working to support her family and put her daughter through the expensive pageant system.
And that she had just finished filming back to back episodes of Hoarders.
Seriously. I’m not even trying to be mean. I’m just stating the facts, ma’am.
Beth. Honey. It’s not like TLC just showed up unannounced with a camera crew and a sound guy, asking if there happened to be any family members at home with a passion for both extreme room clutter and toddler beauty pageants.
You knew company was coming. Pick it up a little.
Or at least make a path to the bathroom. It’s gonna be a long day of filming, and television production people drink a lot of coffee.
Let’s be real. Even if Elesha does someday win that elusive crown, and it could eventually happen because she is ridiculously precious in that shy kind of way, she’ll never find it again in that house. I personally lost track of Big Brother Zachery at least three times when he disappeared behind a fort made out of last year’s holiday decorations and broken Fisher Price toys. Clean Up. Aisle 4.
On the opposite end of the spectrum was 8 year old Daisy and her perky Mom April.
They were born to shop. And to spend money on pageants. And to talk about it until you wanted to slap someone. Twice.
Daisy was known on the circuit as that beautiful and fabulous and perfect Dancing Queen with a $3,000 dress that cost more than her Mom’s wedding gown. And proud of it. Because she was beautiful and fabulous and perfect.
Daisy was also at that transitional age where being cute and talking about how beautiful and fabulous and perfect you are is about one birthday candle from crossing the line into being not quite so cute.
Think: Alaska. The pageant kid, not the state. You saw how well that piece of attitude worked out on camera.
After applying two coats of flavored lip gloss, finding her emotional center and getting into her personal Interview Zone, Daisy did a little Show & Tell for us as Mom and Wynonna Judd watched from the sidelines.
Or at least she looked like Wynonna Judd. They didn’t really say. They never do.
There was also some random baby wearing a headband being lugged around. And a puppy that they kept swapping out with Headband Baby when their arms got tired.
You know I love when that unexplained s*** just kind of happens in a scene.
The third and final princess pretty much caused me to wave the white pirate flag and deactivate my laptop spellcheck before introductions were even completed.
In untelevised ceremonies held before the actual pageant, tiny 4 year old Paetynn and her MomBroughnman had clearly already been awarded the Best Use Of The Pageant Name-Generating Machine skull crown and trophy.
Are those even real names? One of them is spelled like something from Middle Earth, and the other one I swear I saw printed on a sausage link at one of those Hickory Farms kiosks that block every aisle during Christmas.
I loved the two of them, and Paetynn needs to be squished she is so cute, but it’s probably a safe bet that I’ll misspell at least one of their names before the week’s hilarity is fully recapped because I’m not much for scrolling back up to proofread anything.
Broughschnitzel explained how Paetynn was an absolute blessing. A handful of blessings, actually. Which is MomCode for If she draws one more smiley face on the wall with permanent magic marker, I swear I’m going to lose my nut as soon as the sound guy finishes his Starbucks and goes to use the restroom.
When she wasn’t defacing walls, Paetynn was busy dating, and had somehow managed to scoop upJustin Bieber while he was on the rebound from that whole nasty Selena Gomez mess. Yup. He’s off the market again already, ladies.
As yet another random child hung from the top rail of a bunk bed, Paetynn clutched a well worn Justin Bieber action figure, tongued his framed photo and caught a whiff of a porcelain puppy dog figurine passing gas. And then Justin smelled it. I swear.
A handful of blessings, I tell you.
Two of the most important attributes for any pageant princess are confidence and massive hair. And as it turned out, Elesha was severely lacking in both categories.
The hair could have easily been fixed with one strategically placed rug if Mom had so chosen (…Spoiler Alert: Points deducted for Mom’s bad decision later in the game…) but it was clear that the lack of confidence was proving to be an issue. So it was time to face your fears, kiddo.
And nothing cures a child of their deep rooted fear of public speaking and pretty feeting like a road trip to the local zoo.
I know, right? It’s hilarious because one has nothing to do with the other.
For what ever reason, Beth felt that a leisurely safari-style viewing of exotic animals might somehow help her daughter shine on stage, so the gang all headed to the Topsey Exotic Ranch to get their jungle love on.
Whereas in Africa you watch the majestic beauty of the Land unfold before your very eyes from the comfort and safety of a double decker tour bus, at Topsey’s you basically just stall your car out in the middle of the road and let some wildlife climb inside and try to drive stick. Tour Guide Antoine Dodson explains it best:
Hide yo’ kids! Hide yo’ wife! He’s climbin’ in da windows! He’s snatchin’ yo’ people up!
Seriously. By the time a yak had munched down on Beth’s naughty bits and Elesha was almost sucked out the sunroof by a pair of moist camel lips, I couldn’t even watch Madagascar on HBO without the lights on.
Daisy’s trip to the dance studio was not quite as exciting, though we did learn that she was not familiar with the term “soul”…though it was unclear whether that was because she had not grown one yet, or that it had already been drained from her body by the Alaska Pageant Monster. Only time will tell.
Finally, it was Showtime…and Makenzie Myers was there!!! She’s baaaaack!
The original T&T hissy fit queen was briefly spotted in the parking lot and it gave me life.
Part of me wishes her Mom Juana had started her on cigarettes at an early age, just so we could stunt her growth and keep her forever little and mouthy like those puppies that never seem to get bigger.
Watch her Makenzie House Mix Music Video here and your life will be complete.
The hair and makeup issues were just like they are every week, but with different kids having melt downs in different spots in the hotel room. Paetynn cried and didn’t want to put in her teeth. Daisy was beautiful and fabulous and perfect, but for some reason felt the need to tie a sissy dog chihuahua to the bed post, as if he could go anywhere with the door shut. Elesha had not followed the pre-game instructions on proper hair care and her frizz was all gummy, which really rubbed her Hair Lady the wrong way.
Maybe she should have taken some lessons from emcee Todd Bailey, who was rocking his signature frosted Boy Band tips and WD-40 freeze foam. Don’t you worry, girls…those spikes will never go out of style as long as there’s a pageant and a Gold’s Gym franchise south of the Jersey Turnpike.
I know he’s a Bailey, but I’ve always been too lazy to see how he’s related to Tonya.
The G-rated side of me assumes he’s a son or a nephew, but I tend to always lean towards the R-rated side which has the poor guy pegged as Tonya’s cougar lover.
Dude’s hair is as sticky as Mama’s lollipop, and you know how that story ended.
Bros before Pretty Toes, though, so we’re tight. He cracks me up in a good way.
From what I could tell, the judges were all part of some overseas girl band and one of them seemed to have forgotten to pack a comb in her carry-on. Bigzilla hair.
Beauty and Pirate Wear all kind of blended in together, because everything was prefaced or concluded with “Aaaaaaarrrrggghhhh!” or “Booty.”
I mean everything.
After momentarily losing Elesha, Mom got her back in time to throw her up on stage to ad lib, which unfortunately has the same number of letters as loser.
Do not ad lib. Nothing. Ever.
Fighting off a pack of horny yaks through a car window seemed to have put Beth in both a knee and wrist brace, because she was a hurting unit on pageant day. She means well, but they were out of their league in this one.
Paetynn pretended to be a parrot that lived in a trunk instead of a cage (…I didn’t ask…) and even though Daisy had some major CD dramz, she maintained her beautifulness and blah…blah…blah.
Then some kids won some stuff. You know it’s crowning when Todd takes his jacket off.
The ones you expected to win…won.
The others…not so much.
It was literally Bootyful.
Spaaaaaaarrrggghhhle, Baby.
