Slow ride in a fast car? Pimpin’ ain’t easy in Arkansas.
I wonder which button works the Ejector Seat?
This ain’t no Barbie Corvette, haters. We be rollin’ in style.
I still need to get my hair did. Pedal to the metal, woman.
Seriously.
By the time I finished casually glancing in the direction of this week’s Toddlers & Tiaras episode, not only was I jealous of a 10 year old girl’s financial stability but I had also developed body image issues and booked a spray tan for tomorrow.
And that was all before the final credits rolled.
This show is messing with my head.
It was The Crown Beauties Glitzy Divas Pageant, and No Fat Chicks need apply.
I’m pretty certain that tag line is printed on the posters that get taped to the back of the Ramada restroom stalls the week before the show, because Pageant Director Bonnie was quick to point out that these events are based on beauty.
Beauty. And to be beautiful the little girls need a beautiful baby face.
Bring your best baby face, please. But leave the baby fat at home, because girls who are overweight are not gonna cut it.
Well. There you have it. Right out of the gate. Nice. Thanks.
And if you’re fat and broke…don’t even bother packing the car.
With the same kind of cold, matter of fact stare that your 5th grade Health Class teacher had on that gross day when you learned the nasty stuff, Bonnie let us all know that pageants are definitely not a hobby for the poor.
I did also notice that the camera only shot Bonnie from the neck up, but I’ll leave that one alone for now. Just saying.
First up was 4 year old Adriana and Mom Jade.
Little Adriana liked to say NO a lot, and was your basic wobbly tomboy who morphs into a Pageant Princess when duty calls.
She looked a lot like a miniaturized version of that Holiday Inn housekeeper who always seems to be carrying pillows in the hallway. The one who always smiles but never talks.
But instead of pillows Adriana has a million hats in her bedroom that she refuses to wear, so they’re not really coming in very handy at this point in her life.
I’m still not positive if that was their home or a Gift Shop, because everywhere you looked there was some kind of Indian artifact or cowboy sumthin sumthin. It totally looked like those Western Shops off the highway that you pull into when you have to use the restroom, and all they sell are moccasins and beaded Indian tom tom wall hangings.
For real. I’m not making it up. And you know what I’m talking about, because you probably have a pair of moccasin slippers in your closet from when you were too embarrassed to walk out of the Shop empty handed.
Next time, go before you leave the house. I’m not telling you again.
Jade points out that Adriana has lost 4 pounds already getting ready for the competition, so you know what the theme de jour is this time around. Then Adriana laid on her back and showed off her new white pretty feet shoes like she was on the bar at Hooters.
That was just odd.
Next up, Mom Kerry took time out from counting all the pageant winnings to introduce us to 10 year old Madi, who I really want to hate but can’t because she is a smiley blonde squirt.
I have a slight bruise on my forehead from hitting the coffee table when Kerry bragged that Madi had probably already hauled in over $100,000 in Pageant Bucks.
I know, right?
That’s like $99,999 more than I have in my checking account right now. When Madi chimed in that her college tuition is already paid off, I got a matching bruise on the back of my head.
During the episode, as the weight loss discussions kept coming up, Kerry was quick to point out that she doesn’t believe young girls should go on diets.
Hell, no. For $100,000 that bitch could get lipo and be back on the circuit by Summer.
Dang.
But we can leave the dieting to 8 year old Ever Rose.
Mom Kayla, besides having apparently named her daughter after some kind of feminine hygiene product, looks exactly like someone I saw on one of those CMT Behind the Country Music kind of shows. She is a firm believer in keeping kids skinny, and always puts Ever Rose on a diet before each pageant. 1600 calories. That’s it.
The only thing that Mom doesn’t seem to understand about dieting is that when you diet…umm…you lose weight, because all of ER’s clothes were getting loose and Mom seems surprised. ER’s Casual Wear outfit was hanging off her like scarecrow pants, and every time she practiced her jumps they just about fell down around her ankles.
So there’s so much I could say right now that I think we should just move on before anyone gets offended.
Madi and her fast metabolism were being fitted for her dress, and since she is built like a cardboard paper towel insert it took a little rigging to get it just right. But she’s a smiley blonde squirt and that always makes up for no badonkadonk.
Madi has a brother who likes to pretend that he’s a Grandpa, which makes Madi immediately pretend that she is a Grandma, and the two of them can work that shtick for hours. I’m pretty sure that her brother was cloned from blonde Derek Hough on Dancing With The Stars, but I don’t have any proof that would stand up in court or on The Maury Povich Show, so I’ll let that one go for now.
Adriana has been eating salads to lose weight since the pageant doesn’t allow fatties, which made her Mom break out into a strange giggle for no reason.
Or maybe it was the diesel fumes from their Pimp Daddy limousine idling in the front yard next to the wooden Indian.
For real. They bought a 1980′s porn movie limo to ride around in on Pageant Days.
Only on Pageant Days though…not Walmart Days, because they want it to be special.
Instead of spending the money on waxing Adriana’s hairy back, which got waaaaay too much discussion for my taste, they picked up the Red Rocket and get their Miss Daisy on whenever Beauty calls. Mom calls it Rolling in Style.
Whatever you want to call it, it made me want to put on my platform shoes and pop in an eight track.
Since Ever Fresh Ever Rose is the only hard core dieter in the bunch, it only made sense that Mom arrange a cookout right before the pageant so everyone could get together and wish her good luck.
And eat in front of her, of course.
Needless to say, Ever Hungry caved and dove face first into some pound cake which stressed out her Mom to the point where I thought someone was going to have to either restrain her or toss her into that trailer/mobile home thing that was parked in the front lawn.
Before anyone could binge again it was Pageant Day.
Chad, the Emcee, took time off from his accounting job to run the show while Bonnie was back to remind us that girls that aren’t pretty need to find another hobby.
Or become Pageant Directors.
Oh, snap.
Right from the start it became clear that Adriana’s Mom should have passed on the limo and spent the cash on a watch, because she was late for everything. Turns out that Adriana didn’t need to eat salads after all, because she got enough cardio running up and down fire escape staircases to burn off all her pixie stix fat. Mom has no patience for slow elevators.
Madi hates hairspray, which somehow magically not only keeps her curls intact but brings out her Inner Grandma every time she takes a hit of aerosol. She and mini-Derek should take their act on the road.
After she finishes her free doctorate at Harvard, of course.
Gah. $100,000.
Even on the day of the pageant, Ever Sweet’s Mom couldn’t comprehend why her daughter was losing so much weight. Her cupcake dress would have fit better if she had been allowed to actually eat a cupcake or two, but now it was sagging in the back and no one could find the Butt Glue, which is the same goop that they used to seal up Cher in her Turn Back Time video.
In a last minute MacGuyver panic solution, they put enough safety pins in ER’s dress to get her arrested at an airport and shipped off to the stage.
As usual, the actual pageant pales in comparison to the prep work leading up to all that finger kissing.
Everyone was ok in Beauty. No big drama.
Adriana missed the Casual Wear portion because Mom bought a limo instead of a Timex, and had to take the stairs again. In one Pageant Day that poor little peanut took half the required physical exam for being a New York Fire Fighter. She better get some cheese on that salad tonight.
Madi rocked it like a pro, even when she had to use different music at the last minute. Mom needs to read the rules before she’s standing at the stage.
Even with all the Best Most Pretty Beautiful Photogenic Face category prizes, the award should have gone to the table of judges when someone allowed Adriana to do her Casual Wear after they had just called it a night. The looks on their faces, when Adriana huffed and puffed her way up the stairs and onto the stage right when they were all going out for a smoke, was classic.
After penalizing her for being late, the judges sucked down coffee and some Camels, and then locked themselves away in the hotel Boardroom to pick the winnahs.
Apparently they were so inspired by Adriana’s tardiness that they were over two hours late coming out of hiding.
Seriously? How hard is this? Was it Jury Duty on the OJ Trial or the Glitzy Diva Pageant? Let’s go, people.
Finally Chad comes out, all sweaty and frazzled, and it’s Crowning.
Madi got the Grand Deep Dish Supreme for being a smiley blonde squirt.
Ever Rose was happy with her Novice Supreme Title and any solid food she could find.
Adriana only got Princess which Mom felt was like not winning at all. That should set her daughter up for some issues later in life.
Long story short…Bonnie might have been right all along. Thin rhymes with Win.
Adriana’s Mom was not likin’ it, thought the whole thing sucked, and then mentioned that they will put off buying a house for awhile longer so they can keep doing pageants.
Make up your mind, woman.
Then she backed the Pimp Daddy limo over two skinny bitches and drove off into the darkness to sulk with her girlfriends.
No Fat Chicks, please.
