I was going through one of my notebooks over the weekendAnd I stumbled upon a page titled 'Weight loss Challenge'It was dated last summerAbout two weeks before my mothers retirement doI had carefully printed my weightAnd the amount of weight I wanted to loseI vaguely remembered writing this My whole family were going to be at this doAnd I really wanted to look my best I had an orange and cream dress picked outAnd it just about zipped upMy BMI was about 22I wasn't unhappyBut I felt I should lose weightI'm not even sure why
My weight loss never happened thoughAnd I went to mums do the the exact same weight Now there are photos all over our house of that night And funnily enoughPeople always say that I look really well in those photos I look bright Healthy Alive Now?Well not so much My BMI has gone down almost five points I'm pale WanSick looking I any happier now that I have lost weight?I can categorically answer no to that question
I was speaking with my mother and sister over dinner a few days agoMy sister wanted to why and when this latest relapse had begunMy memory is not great at the best of times Fortunately my mother has the memory of an elephant And she could remember back to last NovemberWhen I spoke about wanting to lose weightRemember the navy trousers?They seemed to be the triggerBut reallyI think it started sooner than that I think as far back as my holiday in September Things were changingMy mood was slowly but surely heading south I got back in to a pattern of purging while on holidays Therefore probably wasn't getting the benefit of my medicationWhich led again to low moodAnd that cycle continuedThe navy trousers were just another symptom of a greater problem
So here I am 26 pounds lighterAnd not one iota happierAll I feel is a hole in my soulMy clothes don't fit My face tells the story of every pound I've lost and gained I feel tired So very tiredTired of playing this game This illnessThe never ending cycle of Get wellRelapse Get wellRelapseI swear More than anything else I am God damned bored of this illnessI want more I want to live my life To meThis illness has put my life on hold I had been doing well I had begun to take control of my own life I know I can get back there again I really believe that I canI've battled constantly for years To get to the point where most people start offBut that's ok I don't wish my life were differentIt's made me strong It's made my family strongIn a strange wayIt has brought us closer than we've ever beenBut of course It would be preferable not to have so much to deal with But I'm doing okWe are doing ok
SoWhere to from here? As always It's baby steps Work with MaryWork on the purging Eat little and oftenGet out of the house moreAllow myself to gain a little weightAnd I know along with that Will come feeling better I can't imagine how frustrating it is for those around me To witness my attempts to loll myself Because that's what an ED isA slow suicide Don't kid yourself that it's anything less than that My sister regularly comments on my thin body at the moment My old anorectic self would love thisNot anymore I can see the worry in her eyesAnd she has enough to deal withWithout having to worry about meI know that my family feel helpless There is really nothing they can do to help meYes they are there And that is a huge supportBut they can't force feed meThey can't stop me from purging I am a grown woman These are choices that I make And there is nothing anyone can do to help me
You would think that I would have learned over time That thin does not equal happinessBut I keep falling for that line Hook, line and sinker I know I look better when I have at least another 15 pounds on meI am only beginning to look better thenIn recent years I have been 28-35 pounds heavierAnd felt a lot better for it At the moment I feel like the wAlking deadAnd I've been a lot thinner than this at times I can't imagine how ill I must have been then
AnywayIn other news I saw my doctor this morning He reduced my methadone by 2mlsDown to 26mlsI couldn't think of a reason to argue with himSo I went along with it I told him about the job interview last week He told me about another patient he saw recently Who also went for the jobShe was already a home helpWorking in the community with the elderly So she would have a lot of experience I guess that's what I'm up against Others who have a vast knowledge of the jobI am starting to think that I have not a chance to get the jobBut I do have a plan BSo all is not lost I have since found out about two other stables bear enough to my areaWhere they take people with mental health issues To work along side the horses in a therapeutic environmentSo I am excited about that I really think I would get so much benefit from that kind of workAs you know I am a huge animal lover Really it's my ideal jobAnd getting the value of therapy from it would be an added bonus
So Lots to think about Lots to get excited about If nothing else the interview was good experience And I can always ask for feed back to see what areas I can improve onI guess my health is a priority at the moment Physical and mental I trust that something for me won't pass me by I just need to keep my eyes and ears open Be positive Open minded And willing to learn I've come so far I'm not going to give up yetNot by a long shot.....