The Weighting Game

I was reading back over my weight notebook last nightI go through periods of recording my weightAlthough sometimes I don't want to be reminded of my weightI tend to only record it if it's going down 
As you knowIt was around this time last year that I began to regain weightIt happened quite suddenly and quicklyBut I didn't feel too bad about itThat was until I kept getting biggerAnd my weight hit an all time high around SeptemberI was really uncomfortableI felt so big and cumbersomeAnd I don't think it suited me at allSome people can carry a bit of extra weightBut my frame is so small that any excess is really noticeable I can remember going out for lunch for my mums birthday around this timeThe weather was amazingAnd I wore a dressI can remember feeling so self consciousI hated my new curvy shape
It was also around this time that I gave up smokingAnd I know I was eating more to fill the holeThen as suddenly as I put in onI began to lose it againAnd lost almost twenty poundsI was back weighing myself every dayBack obsessing about the numberI was bordering on a healthy weightAnd I actually felt ok in my skin
Recently I put back on a few poundsAnd wasn't feeling great about itThat's when I began to restrict againI hadn't restricted in yearsThought I couldn't do it any moreBut it's amazing how we can slip back in to old behaviours Like a comfortable pair of slippersMy weight is back down to a BMI of 19Nothing to worry about Yet
I'm now at the weight that was my target weight when I was in hospitalIt's bearableIt's manageableI feel ok in my clothesI think back to when I was 20 pounds heavierAnd I don't know how I tolerated itIt's such a horrible feeling When your clothes begin to feel tightWhen you are spilling out of themWhen all your favorite clothes are too smallIt's soul destroying And the thing isWhen your weight is at a healthy pointPeople assume that because you look okThen you must be okAnd you don't want to explain that your still in the grip of your disorderThe only thing that's changed is the number on the scaleYou don't want to tell them that you can't stand yourself and your bodyIt's a miserable place to be
The ideal thing now Would be to maintain this weightI feel something approaching ok at this weightI know that I ned to address the restriction Before it gets out of handWhen my mom came back from work this weekShe commented that I looked like I had lost weightMy ED was overjoyed to hear thisAnd added fuel to the fire that is my disorderI know I need to put the brakes on nowAnd not hurtle head first down the rabbit holeI've come too far to let that happen again
I was wondering about youHave you ever been in this position?When you regained weightWas it all over the place like money?Do let me know....