The Ugly Truth

I tried writing a post about something else earlierBut In truth My thoughts are still consumed with what happened on Thursday I still can't quite believe that it happened And how close I came to really getting in to trouble with the lawIt still feels like a bad dreamLike I'm going to wake up any minute nowBut unfortunately It did happenAnd there's nothing I can do to change that

I had been in hiding since ThursdayOnly venturing out to go to my meetingsBut todayI decided to bite the bulletAnd head in to the town where it happened I shit you notI was so nervousEvery person I passedI wondered if they knew what I had done I was paranoid to the hilt Thinking I could hear whispers of There she is That's her That's the girl that was caught shoplifting
But I really wanted to face my demonsAnd I brought my dogs for their usual hour long walkI even went in to the shop where the shop owner stopped meNo comments were passed But then it was weekend staff that were onAnd the only thing the shop assistant said to me was asking me if I'd been away as I had a great colourI left the shopAnd decided to go to the leisure center to use the sun bedThat meant that I had to walk through the hotel that was right beside the shop where it happened I walked quicklyWanting to get in and out as fast as possibleMy heart started to thump when I saw a girl with blonde hair exit the hotelFor a second I was sure it was herBut when I looked closer It wasn't herI breathed a sigh of reliefAnd continued in to the hotel It sucks that I can't go in to that shop anymoreAs it was my favorite shopAnd I buy things in there quite oftenBut now I am effectively barredAnd that is not a nice feelingAs I wrote yesterdayI had written the shop owner a letterI haven't sent it in to the shop yetAs I think I am going to re write itTo explain in a bit more detailAs you know I have struggled massively with shoplifting over the yearsIt's tied up in my ED First it was foodThen clothes and other items In all the years I was doing itI was never once caughtUp until now that isI remember being in treatmentAnd other girls talking about their shoplifting I was so glad that I wasn't the only oneAs I had come to the conclusion that I was a bad personWho did bad thingsI also remember being at a meeting a long time agoA woman shared that she had been caught shoplifting the previous dayAnd was feeling really ashamedThe girl who shared after her told her that it was a blessing in disguiseBecause now she would never do that againIt's a lesson hard learned I have well and truly learned my lessonI was shopping todayAnd sometimes I would skip something in to my bagWell not todayAnd never againI will never forget that feeling of someone tipping me on the back and saying 'Excuse me, did you take something?'I never want to go through that againI still don't know the damage I've doneI don't know how many people that girl has told I don't know how blackened my name isI guess time will tell

Even though I feel huge shame about what I didThere was never a question in my mind that I would share this experience with my readersMy blog is all about telling the ugly truth of what it's like to live with an ED and addictionAnd everything that goes with thatIt was easy writing that post on ThursdayI mean who wants to admit that they were caught stealing?I didn't go it so it would make for interesting reading I didn't do it because I have no moneyI did it because part of me is still very unwellBecause my thinking and behaviours can still be very disordered I know I have a long way to goAnd a lot of work still to do I am a flawed individualVery flawed I make mistakes on a daily basis I fuck up regularly But I know thatDeep downIn my heartAnd in my soul That I am not a bad person And it's not my intention to hurt anyoneI would much rather hurt myself that anyone elseI try to be a good person I really doI love my family and friends to piecesAm fiercely loyalAnd would do anything for themHowever sometimesAgainst my better judgement I do stupid thingsReally stupid thingsI guess the trick is to learn from these mistakesMove onAnd not spend the rest of my natural life beating myself upEasier said than doneBut it must be doneOr else guilt and shame will fester and eat me up
So that's what I will do I will take the learningAnd never repeat that mistake againIn factIt is much easier to be honestTo live an honest lifeBeing untrue or deceitful is hard workAnd you're always looking over your shoulderHoping and praying you won't be caughtIt's no life reallyAs I am shown time and time againI have the most amazing people around meMy family My friendsMy dogsAnd all my beautiful ladies hereWho never fail to rally around when times aw toughThank you for thatIt means more than you will ever knowThank youAll my love,Ruby x