The trouble with having a land line house phone is that no one calls you on it except solicitors, telemarketers, and debit collectors. It came with the cable bundle or else we would not have it. Like most modern families, everyone has there own cell phone.
Here are some examples of the conversations that take place on the house phone:
Ring, Ring
Me: Hello?
Them: Hello? Are you the head of the house?
Me: Occasionally.
Them: Huh? Never mind. Anyway our company will be in your area and will be offering a special discount for a limited time. We are the Hobo Moving Company and we can move anything that you could fit into a handkerchief on a stick…
Click
—–
Ring, Ring
Me: Hola!
Them: Mr. De Voss? Hello! Your last name doesn’t sound Spanish!
Me: It’s not. Who is this?
Them: This is Fred from the National Eczema Rebounders Democratic Society, or N.E.R.D.S if it’s easier for you. We have you as a registered Democrat, is that correct?
Me: Yes, sort of. I’m really an Independent, but Florida makes you choose one of the big two. What is this about?
Them: Well, sir we are an organization looking to raise money in order to put James Ripkin on the Presidential ticket for 2016. If all goes well, he would be the first President to have eczema in the White House, something that has been sorely lacking in the governmental system…
Click
—–
Ring, Ring
Me: Speaking
Them: Please stay on the line for a limited time special offer. Introducing the Smart Burrito! You can take pictures, make calls, check your email, update your calendar, then just add guacamole and sour cream and you can eat it too.
Click
—–
Ring, Ring
Me: De Voss residence.
Them: This is John from The Balsa Wood Furniture Company. Your order is ready to be picked up.
Me: Excuse me?
Them: Your Balsa Wood Couch and Loveseat is ready to be picked up, sir.
Me: I didn’t order any Balsa Wood furniture, nor would I ever.
Them: You don’t have to be rude. Just so you know our furniture is hand crafted with the finest Slot A to Slot B technology! It’s light as a feather too. You can rearrange your living room with only one hand if you want, plus if it ever breaks, each piece of furniture comes with a free bottle of Elmer’s Glue…
Click
—–
Ring, Ring
Me: Hello, Hello
Them: You have been selected to win a free $5oo Dollar Tree Gift Card. Please press 1 if you speak French, press 2 if you speak Spanish, press 3 if you speak German, press 4 if you speak Russian, press 5 if you speak Mandarin, press 6 if you speak Pig Latin, press 7 if you speak Creole, press 8 seven times if you speak the African Clicking Language, press 9 if you speak Binary, press the Pound Sign if you….
Click
—–
Ring, Ring
Me: Hello
Them: *Heavy Breathing*
Me: What is this, 1975? Why don’t you post pictures of your junk on the internet like all the other sickos?!
Them: *Heavy breathing suddenly stops* Um, I don’t know how to upload the pictures from my phone, you insensitive prick!
Click
